My evil, wretched twin is back. No, not Esther Madge, but the OTHER evil twin...

Before there was N'Suck, Britney, Christina and Jessica Simpleton, the music industry was plagued by another group of foolish and wretched teenybopper singers. Among them were New Kids On The Block, and of course, DEBBIE Gibson. Yeah, yeah, she wants to be "Deborah", but considering she's as childish as ever, she's stuck with DEBBIE.

DEBBIE'S career, of course, crashed and burnt before Clinton took office, and for nearly 15 years has been nothing more than the butt of jokes who every so often shows her face and pulls another hair-brained stunt in hopes it'll bring her publicity. In other words, consider her ME without the success (ironic, then, that I share my name with her, and last year reinvented myself as the person she tries so desperately to imitate. She should star in Roseanne Arquette's role in the modern-day remake Desperately Seeking MADONNA.)

The irony of it all is it's easy to see why Esther Madge is so addicted to publicity and attention, considering the first couple decades of her life. DEBBIE, on the other hand, got plenty of it from both parents while growing up, yet keeps craving more...

Whether it be the "Losin' Myself" video, or stage-diving at a Circle Jerks concert, or Broadway Bares, DEBBIE never ceases to find that one publicity stunt ensured to once again make her headline news. Fifteen minutes of fame wasn't enough for her, nor has being the butt of jokes for fifteen years done anything to turn her off to attention.

Well, DEBBIE may be getting her wish - and attention she might not enjoy so much once she gets it...

Apparently, little DEBBIE Gibson has posed nude for Playboy.

No, don't adjust your monitors. Don't pinch yourself. Don't reboot your computers, thinking Windows is screwing up. You read that right...

What's so amusing about this little tidbit is how this latest publicity stunt contradicts so many of the things that have come out of little DEBBIE'S mouth over the years.

My "Sex" book comes out in 1992, and there's DEBBIE writing an open letter in the New York Times, attacking me... (The irony, of course, is when DEBBIE relased her "Shock Your Mama" single a few months later, it came with a sticker on it, saying "What Madonna sings about, Debbie does!")

A few years ago, there was DEBBIE criticizing Britney and Christina for their images, criticizing their use of sex to sell records...

And, of course, let's not forget dear old Debs, who many moons ago said she'd only pose nude if it would bring world peace or end hunger. Funny, since neither one of those goals is anywhere near happening at this time...

Of course, it comes as no surprise when you realize DEBBIE is what happens when you take a mediocre musician, who craves attention the way some crave crack, and is a cross between George W. Bush, John Kerry and Jimmy Swaggart - a flip-flopping pathological liar who doesn't practice what she preaches. Whether it be something as simple as lying about her real hair color, or claiming she considers herself a serious singer/songwriter who idolizes Billy Joel and Elton John while performing crappy dance music, or claiming to love music about all else while ignoring her own music career, or preaching at other artists while exposing herself, you can usually bet that if DEBBIE says something, it's packed with more bullshit than a sack of Bandini.

What's hilarious about this is I deal with a sister (more on her in the near future) who believes you can completely judge a person just on their Chinese and/or Western astrology signs. "All Tauruses are assholes", "All Snakes will fuck you over", etc. etc. etc. What's funny is DEBBIE and Sherrie Austin - three days apart in age - are about as opposite as you can get. One is obsessed with attention, the other is more worried about her music than publicity. One is a clown, the other is a serious artist. One is going on twelve, the other acts her age.

So, I guess if there is one good thing about this fiasco, it's that it's just more evidence to throw at my sister...

And, honestly, it's not DEBBIE'S nudity I have an issue with - after all, look who I reinvented myself as! It's that hypocrites make me sick. Mean what you say, and say what you mean. Don't throw stones if you live in a glass house. DEBBIE ripping on Britney, Christina and myself while turning around and doing the exact same thing she criticized would be like Barry Bonds criticizing Jason Giambi for using steroids - it only succeeds in making you look like a two-faced, hypocritical ass.

What's also ironic about this is the timing - DEBBIE exposing herself just as her website is about to start selling T-Shirts saying "Electric Youth lives!". Electric Youth, indeed. More like Electric Fluke...

Well, the joke will be on you, DEBBIE. You may get your precious second fifteen minutes of fame. The world may turn around and stare at you - much like how they'd stare if a pink elephant walked down the street. But you can bet they'll be laughing harder than ever before - and that I'll be the head coach of the St. Louis Rams before you're ever taken seriously as an artist again.

You know this also means you've lost your bet to Howard Stern...

Please, do us all a favor, and just go back to the 80's, where you belong. No, wait, on second thought, I liked the 80's. Better yet, go back to the 90's - I don't give a rat's ass about that decade...

You know, it's not good when you're sitting here, almost wishing your name was Martha Stewart instead. I should've reinvented myself as Madonna fifteen years ago...

Labels: Little Debbie Gibson, Reinvention

(Okay, so I'm kidding: The Patsies aren't involved with this one)...

The Religious Right*, that band of thugs who feel that money, power and a Bible give them the right to tell you what you can and can't do, and what is and isn't safe for your kids, is at it again... Whether it be that "Satanic" Harry Potter, or that "homosexual" Tinky Winky, you can always count on them to lead the fight in the war against some evil influence waiting to turn your child into a "heathen".

It's not enough to launch groups like the Parents Music Resource Center - which among some of their most famous and fascist actions were trying to BAN the Two Live Crew, and launching their "Filthy Fifteen" list in 1985, complete with "obscene, sexual" songs like Cyndi Lauper's "She Bop" and Madonna's "Dress You Up", and "violent" songs like Twisted Sister's "We're Not Gonna Take It". The irony, of course, is "Dress You Up" is tame by my standards, and "We're Not Gonna Take It" isn't anti-violence, but anti-conformity! (then again, these thugs view individualism and nonconformity AS "violent"...)

And, of course, there was that righteous, compassionate Jerry Falwell (you know, the one that blamed the butchering of 3,000 people on 9/11/*1 on gays and liberated women) leading the war against that dangerous Tinky Winky, who secretly was on a quest to turn every child in the world into a homosexual...

Or, of course, blaming the rise in youth violence and crime (including tragedies like Columbine) on brainwashing, evil influences like Marilyn Manson, Snoop Doggy Dogg, Doom and Grand Theft Auto, instead of getting their heads out of their asses and realizing bad parenting is a far bigger cause of youth violence than video games or music will ever be...

Well, lock up the doors, board up the windows, and throw away the TV so you can protect kids from their newest "threat" - an animated spoonge.

That's right! Welcome to the first right wing war of 2005 - Focus On The Family vs. SpoongeBob Squarepants!

James Dobson, the right-wing lunatic behind Focus On The Family recently met with other conservatives and Congress in response to a video featuring everyone's favorite cartoon sponge, claiming SpongeBob has been recruited to "indoctrinate children to accept homosexuality."

The video, of course, is no such thing. In the process of being distributed to elementry schools throughout the nation in a partnership with FedEx, the video is supposed to teach children about multiculturalism.

And, after all, it's not like this isn't something America needs. After all, cartoon characters and books are threats to our children. However, young white people blaming the Civil Rights movement on "that n*gger who refused to get off the bus" (yes, according to a post I saw online recently, that was what someone's fellow classmate said started the fight for Civil Rights), or young blacks labeling all whites as "honkys" and "crackers", or kids hazing anyone who doesn't fit in as a "faggot" is not harming children in the least. At least not according to our fearless voice of reason, James Dobson.

After all, this would be a perfectly safe world for children if it wasn't for dangerous gays like SpongeBob Squarepants. Children could be comforted by enlightening and nurturing images like Harry And The Swastika - who is no threat whatsoever to the fragile minds of kids...

Let's be coldly honest about it - this world has some major fucking problems. The youth of today are lost and heading to a path of chaos and destruction. No, not because of cartoon characters, but shitty parenting, shitty schools (including and especially the environment of hate and tension that exists on so many campuses), and "fearless leaders" like George Bush launching preemptive strikes (what kind of message does it send to a kid when they're told not to use violence, then see the president launch a war against a nation with no right or reason? Funny how the Religious Right never thinks of THAT!). I'm scared by the youth of today, not because of their "funny clothes" or "wild music", but the fact I see a genuine sense of hatred and anger in them today that sure as hell didn't exist when I was growing up.

When I was in elementry school nearly 25 years ago? We had nowhere near the racial tension and intolerance that I see in today's youth. I sure as hell didn't hear words like "n*gger", "cracker", "beaner" and "faggot" thrown around like they are today. There have always been cliques (and sadly, probably always will be), but they weren't so blatantly divided along racial lines then as they are today.

What the youth of today need to learn is that "multiculturalism" is a good thing - not in the forced manner of the Rainbow Coalition trying to force the NFL into hiring more black coaches, but in a way that genuinely teaches kids (and adults, for that matter) that we're all the same, regardless of the color of our skins. That it's what inside that matters (or as I cynically put it, there are good people of every race, and assholes of every race, and people are who they choose to be, not their skin color or race).

And if someone gets the idea to use a popular television character like SpongeBob to help deliver this message? More power to them! Mind you, it has bothered me for a couple decades now (since it seemed like parenting went to total shit and the youth of this nation began spiraling out of control as a result) that it's not parents doing a better job of teaching this. But I sure as hell would rather see a kid learn this from a cartoon than some angry, hostile, out of control fellow student who has already been taught to hate at the age of nine (quite often by his own parents).

The likes of James Dobson make me want to vomit, as do most of these public talking heads to claim to do it "for the children!". Wiping out SpongeBob Squarepants or Harry Potter isn't going to make a safer world for the kids. Working to put an end to hatred and intolerance, striving to create safer cities and schools, and pushing Congress to invest more into education and after-school programs instead of corporate welfare and the military WILL. Instead of the likes of Hillary Clinton giving us bullshit about how a takes a village to raise a child (ie. justifying Big Brother government sticking their nose into your children's business), how about a campaign to put parenting classes into high schools and colleges, or funding for more counseling services to help young/lost parents?

Why? Because the truth of the matter is, it's not about the children. It's about control, and power. "This is for the children" has become one of the most commonly used claims - and biggest lies - over the last few decades. Because these same right-wing fascists who claim to be protecting the poor kids from evil like SpongeBob are the same ones who cut funding for education, wipe out after-school programs, creating an education system where many kids learn how to be thugs and bullies (because of the be a bully or be bullied environment that has grown throughout the nation's schools) and do so much to hurt the working class that they force both parents (in the rare household anymore WITH two parents) to work, instead of allowing one to raise these kids they claim to be so concerned about.

The truth of the matter is, they probably DO view SpongeBob and this video as a threat - a threat to their world of labels and segregation, the utopia they want to create where everything IS divided along religious (where you're either a Christian or a heathen), class (where you're rich or don't deserve to live), racial and gender lines. For all the talk of wanting to make the world a better place, the truth is these bands of thugs want to set us back hundreds - if not thousands - of years. What they fear isn't some cartoon character, but free-thinking people who have learned tolerance. This isn't a fight to protect children, but to enforce conformity - by legislature and by Bible. The likes of James Dobson aren't crusaders, or compassionate leaders, but thugs hiding behind religion, endorsed by a government of thugs and crooks drunk with their own power.

The irony is how these right-wing wackos try to tell us how the Bible teaches of love, yet are often the first ones to display hate toward someone who doesn't fit their mold and agenda. On the contrary, Mr. Dobson, I believe the likes of you teach hate, intolerance and bigotry. And that is why you feel the need to waste the time, and possible resources of our government, in a bitter, insane quest to destroy an animated sponge.

You, James Dobson, are a backwards-ass piece of shit, and you make me so sick that if I ever had children, I'd rather them spend eight hours a day watching Barney the purple fucking dinosaur than spend two seconds listening to the hateful, bigoted, intolerant, greedy, self-righteous, egotistical, bullying venom that shoots out of your mouth.

You want to worry about the kids? Invest your time to helping groups that help single parents. Devote your work toward improving the schools. But quit trying to bully around and brainwash America's youth - and adults - into your sick agenda.


* By Religious Right, I mean the likes of Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell, Tipper Gore and James Dobson - people who use religion as a means to gain power and money, and bully people around. Not all Christians are bad - there are good and bad in every religion. However, anyone who uses religion as a weapon to bring suffering and grief upon others IS an asshole. Many Christians are not part of the Religious Right, nor do they support it. And, when you truly think about it, the Religious Right doesn't represent Christianity - it USES it as a weapon to gain power and inflict pain on others.

Labels: A world gone mad, Religious Right Ain't Right, Sports

(And yes, it's over as far as I'm concerned.)

Yesterday, and this last month, has just proven what an utter mess the NFL has become. Predicting anything in the playoffs seems to be a waste of time (unless, of course, you pick Tagliabue's new favorite team - they never lose).

What happened yesterday was what I considered an absolute worst-case scenario five months ago - Team Terrible Terrell vs. The New England Chosen Ones. I also promised myself five months ago that if that's indeed the Super Bowl we get stuck with, I won't watch it.

SO... Two weeks from now, I may be spending my time doing any combination of the following:

Wasting people in Grand Theft Auto: Vice City
Playing on pogo.com
Watching reruns of The Greatest American Hero
Watching reruns of Quantum Leap
Watching reruns of Star Trek
Watching reruns of South Park
Writing song parodies
Playing my own "Super Bowl" on Madden 2005, where I destroy the hated Patsies with the Arizona Cardinals
Watching paint dry
Waxing the dog
Painting the grass
Shopping for boots
Longing for the days when the worst thing in football was the 49ers

I am beginning to wonder if the Woofing Gods are dead. Owens says something that should've infuriated them, the Eagles still blowout the Falcons. Phil Simms has become a mindless pro-Patriots parrot (which should infuriate said Gods), and yet the New Nightmare Patriots are probably on their way to another undeserved Super Bowl.

Examples of CBS stupidity yesterday:

On a play in the third quarter initially called a completion, replays show the ball hitting David Givens' hands, then arms, them the ground, then his face, then back into his hands. No doubt that it's an imcomplete pass because Givens didn't control it. The play's challenged by the Steelers, and CBS shows about a dozen replays. Simms is asked by Jim Nantz if he thinks he had control and if's a catch. Simms hems and haws for 10 seconds, then says "Yes, that's a catch. I think the play will stand."

Wow.

Later in the game, CBS (both Nantz and Simms, complete with graphics), comparing the Patriots to past dynasties (despite the fact they could lose in two weeks..), compare Tom Brady to Hall of Famers (or future HoF'ers) like John Elway, Troy Aikman, Joe Montana and Bart Starr, and Bill Belichick to Vince Lombardi.

This isn't football coverage, this is propaganda, pure and simple.

A few moments later, Simms decides he's not done, telling us how "classy" and "humble" the Patsies are, and how they "don't showboat". This despite Corey Dillon getting up, thumping his chest and flapping his lips are three short carries. A few players later, Deion Branch scores on a reverse, goes into the end zone looking back and waving at the Steelers defenders, then taunts the fans near the end zone.

How that is not showboating is beyond me. Simms is either a gutless sellout, or has lost all grasp on reality.

So, my prediction for the Super Bowl is the game will make me sick, and therefore, I won't watch. For the first time in my life, we're stuck with a Super Bowl where no matter who wins, I'm going to be disgusted.

Besides, it's not like the NFL will let New England lose. As long as we're fighting the "war on terrorism", YOU can always count on the New England Patriots to show the world that patriots are ALWAYS champions! The New England Patriots: Protecting YOU from terrorism!

And Phil Simms, you should be ashamed of yourself. You USED to be good. Now you're just a worthless piece of shit like everyone else covering pro football.

How about golf? Oh, wait. The OTHER hype machine decided he needed to win yesterday, too...

Labels: Boot Worship, Mi Vida Loca, Sports, Terrible Owens

About half an hour ago, the news broke that Johnny Carson, who hosted The Tonight Show for thirty years, passed away from emphysema at the age of 79.

I grew up watching Carson, though by the mid and late 80's it seemed at times we saw Jay Leno more often that Johnny. To this day, I still tend to think of The Tonight Show as Johnny's, and it's probably why I never really gave Leno a fair shot (more often than not, if I watch a late night comedy show, I tend to prefer David Letterman's Late Show).

Johnny, who had disappeared from the spotlight and became reclusive after retiring in 1992, had been battling various health problems in recent years. He'd also as of late been sending in jokes to Letterman, which Dave had used on the air.

Sadly, a true icon and a familiar face from my childhood is now gone. Rest in peace, Johnny.

I'm sure he's wasted no time to bring laughter to the great beyond...

Labels: Gone But Not Forgotten

Recently, Esther made a comment to one of my posts, expressing concerns about the recent flood of sports-related content here. I'm bringing this up not to single her out and I'm not upset at her (in fact, I need to reply to her email once I'm done here), but to comment for anyone else who's reading, had the same thoughts, and hasn't said anything...

There have been some things going on in my life, more of an emotional nature than the mental chaos that was going on last year. Some of which I don't feel are appropriate or fair to discuss here due to privacy issues, and some of which I don't quite know what to say about yet.

On top of that, I haven't been following much news lately - which isn't uncommon around the period of a presidental inaugeration for a president I don't like (whether it's his first term or second). Besides, with the same old same old out of Washington, there isn't much to discuss besides griping about the PR campaign of the Bush administration - which, again, will go away soon.

Basically, about the only thing in sports that's really a huge deal to me anymore are the NFL playoffs, and golf's major tournaments. I only care about the steroid derby (AKA baseball) playoffs when there's a team I care about playing. I have watched one NBA game since June 2000 (and that was to see for myself so I could try to silence the Lakers fans claiming "Stern is screwing us!"). There's no hockey, and at the rate we're going, may never be again...

And, of course, even then, occasionally I'd hit the topic of sports (Bonds, steroids, the Red Sox, etc.)...

So, with all that's going on in real life, and this being the one month that really is a big deal to me anymore, it's the reason for the recent "monopoly" on sports. I'm sure once either I feel comfortable discussing some of what's going on and/or the playoffs end, things will switch.

Maybe I need to work on some more song parodies...

Fortunately, with just two more big Sundays left, it's not like there'll be that much more to discuss when it comes to sports...


First off, the sad, chaotic life of Barret Robbins may have hit rock bottom. Robbins, of course, was the Raider who made headlines two years ago when he went AWOL just before the Super Bowl.

In the course of two years, Robbins has gone from a Pro Bowl center, to a mentally ill player who was scratched just before kickoff, to a person trying to rebuild his life, to testing positive for THG (the secret, nondetectable steroid created by Barry Bonds' friends at BALCO), to being released by the Raiders, and now this..

Saturday, the Miami police were called when Robbins forced his way into a building and refused to leave. He assaulted all three officers before being shot, and at last report, was in critical but stable condition.

Reportedly, Robbins was "snarling", "growling" and "laughing through the attack" - actions that hardly sound like those of a sane man.

He's facing multiple charges - misdemeanor tresspassing, two felony counts of resisting arrest, two felony counts of attempting to deprive an officer of his weapon, and three counts of felony attempted murder. The felony attempted murder charges carry up to 30 years each, the rest of the felonies carry up to five years each.

While I do not condone Robbins' actions in any way, this is clearly a case of a sick man who has hit rock bottom. Sad.

I hope he recovers, and I hope they do what's right, factoring in his mental illness. If this means a nice, long rest in a psychiatric facility, then so be it.


Terrell Owens has angered the Woofing Gods. This week, Owens told the Falcons to not even bother showing up, because they have no chance, and guarantees victory on Sunday.

What's infuriating, first and foremost, about these comments is the fact Owens is in no position to back them up. He's still out, and will not play. Meaning, he may have just written a check with his mouth that his teammates can't cash.

Adding insult to injury is that we're talking about Terrell Owens, Bad Teammate. Last Sunday, Owens sat up in the owner's luxury box during the game, instead of standing (or sitting) on the sidelines and supporting his teammates. Think Owens will be on the sidelines on Sunday? Of course not!

However, this incident again shows the hypocritical nature of the sports media. When Mike Vanderjagt offered some logical, insightful thoughts into why he thoughts the Colts had a chance and the Patsies were "ripe for the picking", the media accused the "Idiot Kicker" of talking shit yet again. Owens speaks up, and the media applauds him, kisses his ass, and spends this into "That's just TO's competitive nature"...

It's just like how when Owens throws a tantrum and wants the ball more, he's "competitive", but when Shauna Alexandria says he's "stabbed in the back" for losing the rushing title by a yard, he's a "selfish crybaby".

It's been like this for years - hence why Wilt Chamberlain was "just a bragger" and Michael jordon was "intense and competitive", despite the fact one was a true legend, and the other is just a selfish corporate icon.

I hope the Falcons kill the Eagles on Sunday. Shut the fuck up, Owens.


Atlanta Falcons vs. Philadelphia Eagles

Offense: Falcons 16th in points, 18th in yards. Eagles 8th in points, 8th in yards.
Defense: Falcons 14th in points, 14th in yards. Eagles 7th in points, 22nd in yards.

Falcons 4-4 on the road, Eagles 8-1 at home (including playoffs)

On paper, this game looks pretty even. And under normal circumstances, you'd think the weather (a forecast of 23 with snow showers) should give the Eagles a huge advantage over Atlanta, who plays in a nice, comfortable dome.

However, there are two exceptions here. The first being that Atlanta is not your typical indoor team. Second is that they beat the Packers in frigid weather in Lambeau two years ago, and with many of these same players having been there for 2003, they know how to win in the cold.

Add in the true bulletin board comment that spewed out of Owens' mouth this week, the fact that Atlanta just won a game where they didn't rely on the pass at all (70 yards passing) and scored 47 points, and the fact the Woofing Gods cannot be happy, and I smell a major upset.

Furthermore, despite all the tough talk, I am not sure I'm sold on the fact that the Eagles are mentally tough enough to win the NFC championship. They made it the last three years, and lost all three times - including last year at home, where they just seemed to give up before the opening kickoff.

I believe Atlanta is on their way to their second Super Bowl, and Philadelphia will be forever remembered at Buffalo Lite.

Falcons 23, Eagles 14


New England Patriots vs. Pittsburgh Steelers

Offense: Patriots 4th in points, 7th in yards. Steelers 11th in points, 14th in yards.
Defense: Patriots 2nd in points, 9th in yards. Steelers 1st in points, 1st in yards.

Patriots 6-2 on the road, Steelers 9-0 at home (including playoffs)

In week 8, Pittsburgh ended New England's 22 game winning streak with a 34-20 victory in Heinz Field. I don't think there's any reason to be surprised if the Steelers now end New England's season in Heinz Field on Sunday.

While Pittsburgh struggled last Saturday against the Jets, I can't foresee the same happening again. I expect them to turn the ball over far less, and put the focus back on the running game on the offensive side of the ball. Furthermore, Ben Roethlisberger went 18 of 24 for 196 yards, two touchdowns and zero interceptions in the first matchup with New England. With the Patriots defense banged up, I can't see why he can't do the same (where Roethlisberger had struggled in both matchups with the Jets this year).

Furthermore, the Steelers are not the Colts. They're used to playing outdoors in bad weather, they're undefeated at home this year, and I don't expect them to fold like a cheap accordian like the Colts did on Sunday.

I know the media is making a big deal out of the fact that the Patsies will have Corey Dillon on Sunday (where they didn't in week 8, when New England played like Martz coached them, passing 47 times and running only 6). However, Pittsburgh is ranked not only #1 in total yards and points, but in rushing yards allowed, allowing only 81.2 per game. Dillon's presence will ensure the Patriots don't play Martz Ball, but I wouldn't expect Dillon to put up 100 yards.

I don't expect New England to move the ball with ease, and I believe they will have their hands full on defense. And, unlike last year (and last week), they are playing a team that won't be phased by the weather.

Steelers 24, Patriots 14

Last week's record: 2-2
Overall: 3-5

Labels: A world gone mad, Meathead Martz, Mi Vida Loca, Sports, Terrible Owens

Having overslept Sunday, and missing a great deal of football, there isn't a ton to recap... But, I'll offer my thoughts on what I do know/have read about the games.

Eagles 27, Vikings 14
(Prediction: Vikings 28, Eagles 13)

Well, I nearly had the score right - just the teams wrong. From the sounds of this, one team did indeed play flat - just not the team I thought it would be... Apparently, Minnesota only one had good game/upset in their tank, and used it up last week in Green Bay. And while they moved the ball through the air, they didn't get it done with the running game or defense (sound familiar?).

The Vikings might be a case of too much of a good thing - namely, being so deep at running back that Mike Tice doesn't give any of them a chance to consistantly run the ball and get into a rhythm. Perhaps in the offseason Minnesota will offload a RB or two and tighten up the depth chart at the position.

I had mixed feeling over Freddie Mitchell's touchdown celebration on Sunday (spoofing Moss by pretending to pull his pants up). On one hand, nice to see someone stick it to Moss (like the way the Texans spoofed Joe Horn last year). On the other hand, this IS Freddie Mitchell, a guy who feels the need to do an exaggerated "first down" gesture after first down receptions and has a history of shallow, "look at me!" antics after plays.

This game was the lesser of two evils in my opinion. Do you hope the Vikings win, and Randy Moss gets to stick around another week? Or that the Eagles take one step closer to Terrell Owens rearing his ugly face in the Super Bowl? I'm having nightmares about the latter - after the Star stunt in Dallas in 2000, after the Sharpie on Monday Night Football, I'm honestly worried to see what he'll feel the need to do if he caught a touchdown in a Super Bowl, thinking "This time, the whole world's watching ME!"

God help us all. Maybe the Falcons will do us a favor and end the Eagles' season next week...


Patriots 20, Colts 3
(Prediction: Colts 42, Patriots 17)

Unlike some of our "friends" at ESPN, I didn't go into this game thinking "The Colts offense will stomp the Patriots, then march onto the Super Bowl and win just because Manning and the offense is Just That Good". On the contrary, I don't think the Colts are going to win a Super Bowl anytime soon, because they aren't built to win one.

I did, however, think they'd take advantage of an injured team that stumbled a few times during the regular season... Boy, was I wrong.

The Colts offense sputtered all day, managing just the one field goal at the end of the first half. Despite that, the Colts went into the locker room down only 6-3, as their defense bent but didn't break, keeping New England out of the end zone.

However, in the third quarter, their defense broke, their offense remained stuck, and New England put the nail in the coffin.

The game itself was marred with the usual shitty officiating we've come to expect from Patriots games - ESPECIALLY in the postseason. Ticky-tack "pass interference" calls on uncatchable passes, getting away with spearing, you name it. This, of course, is nothing new, as the officiating in every New England postseason game since The Tuck game has been plagued with rotten, pro-New England calls...

My father, who at the time of New England's "rise" was both in support of Bush and the "War On Terrorism", even lashed out about it back then: "It's propaganda. 'Patriots are champions'. And as long as we're fighting terrorism, the New England Patriots will be our champions.' He also quickly goes on to add that he's already more sick of them than he was Michael jordon and the Bulls during the 90's - and the Patriots are still (fortunately) four titles behind them (at the moment).

I know it's easy for people to assume I hate New England because of Super Bowl XXXVI. I hate them for alot more than that: The propaganda (and yes, they HAVE been used as a propaganda tool since 9/11 and Super Bowl XXXVI), the biased officiating, the hype. Let's face it: Minus the fact they've yet to be caught cheating the salary cap, they ARE the 49ers East. They receive preferential treatment from the NFL, they flaunt the rules on the field (the 49ers with leg-whips and illegal picks on offense, New England with illegal contact on defense), and they whine when they lose. Worse yet is the fact we have to hear over the over how "Tom Brady is the new Joe Montana"... Of course, if they mean that to be Tom Brady is an overrated, weak-armed QB who's lucky to be on a good team and gets too much credit, they're RIGHT.

As for the Colts... This is not a team built to win a Super Bowl. They're a team built to put up point and win alot in the regular season, and that's what they do. But they're not built for the playoffs, and they're not championship material. Half-teams win Super Bowls when that half of a team is a dominating defense (1990 Giants, 2000 Ratbirds). They don't even REACH Super Bowls when that half is an explosive offense (1998 Vikings, 2000 Rams).

I know it's easy to once again lay the blame at Peyton Manning's feet - as Montana himself once put it, QB's get too much of the blame and too much of the credit. But this isn't on Manning - at least not directly. This is on the Colts team, which is built around the wrong premise and is built for certain conditions...

To a degree, Manning should take some blame, though it has nothing to do with what he did on the field Sunday. Manning's outrageous contract has seriously restricted the front office, eating up a huge chunk of cap space all by itself. I agree he's a great QB - perhaps THE best in the game today, but how much good is he going to be if he's surrounded by shit because the front office can't afford to build a defense or top-notch offensive line?

And, of course, the Colts made things worse by giving another huge contract to Marvin Harrison, meaning there's even LESS cap space for defensive players.

To a degree, it's the Alex Rodriguez syndrome - the Rangers were giving so much money to their star, quarter-billion dollar shortstop that they couldn't put money into pitching, leaving them no chance to escape the cellar.

Maybe you might want to think about reworking your contract, Peyton? Is it really worth it?

The only real hope these Colts will ever have of reaching a Super Bowl would be to get home field advantage and not leave the comfort of their dome. Of course, that is no guarantee, but at least that way they have a chance. As long as they're having to hit the road in January, they're screwed - especially when they have to travel to New England.

Even had the Colts blown out New England on Sunday, I'd have to take the Steelers against them. It's one thing to think New England was indeed "ripe for the picking", another to think "The Colts can win it all". One was realistic, but just didn't happen. The other has about as much of a chance of happening as Esther being cut by Warner/Sire are replaced by me.


Mike Sherman stripped of his general managing duties. One duty down, one to go... That is, if you can really consider him a coach. Finish the job, and make Packers' fans happy.


Mike Nolan is the new head coach of the Whiners. Kind of amusing, when you think about it - the defensive coordinator of a team I really hate (Baltimore) becoming the head coach of the team I hate the most.. Fitting. And probably better that way - reduces the spread of Ratbirds coaching infecting the rest of the league.


Roger Clemens wants $22 million to come back and pitch this year. That's right, a 42 year old pitcher who from one minute to the next doesn't know whether to pitch or retire wants $22,000,000 for 2005. Quite honestly, let's just say he took all those points he'd earned last year, pitching for $5 million, and flushed them down the toilet - and then some.

Eric's brother (back when he was too young to use such language) used to refer to Clemens as a "fat greedy dick". Boy, was he ever right - then, and now.

The Astros' offer of $13.5 million is far more reasonable, especially consider Clemens' age. Not too many pitchers have continued to pitch great beyond the age of 40 - especially power pitchers. Perhaps Clemens could pitch strong up until he's around Nolan Ryan's age, and perhaps he's a time bomb waiting to go off. We don't know. Even $13.5 million is a gamble, when you look at all the factors.. But a far more reason gamble than $22 million.

We've heard the spin before, how Clemens left Boston not over money but because he was "unwanted". How Clemens forced a trade from Toronto to the Yankees to "win". But, you really begin to wonder, after shit like this, if it's always just been about the money.

Go away, Roger. Seriously. Enough is enough, you dick.

Boy, it sure was nice, back when players still played for the love of the game, instead of blindly and mindlessly whoring themselves out to who can offer the biggest contract....

Labels: Sports, Terrible Owens

(Idea courtesy of Alane)

Steelers 20, Jets 17, OT
(Prediction: Steelers 20, Jets 10)

As expected, a tight defensive battle. The Steelers went out to an early 10-0 lead before Santana Moss tied it up with a punt return for a touchdown. Roethlisberger at times looked very much like a rookie, and for most of the game, the two biggest plays were on defense (the Jets returning a punt and an INT for touchdowns). However, Roethlisberger settled down in the fourth quarter, leading the Steelers to a game-tying touchdown.

Doug "Tainted Super Bowl Ring" Brien (of the notorious 1994 49ers) would miss two big field goal attempts late in the fourth, the second a 41 yarder that went wide left which would've given the Jets the win to end regulation.

Jeff Reed's 33 yard field goal in overtime would finally give the Steelers the win, advancing them to the AFC championship game next Sunday.

I think it's safe to say Brien is packing up and preparing to find a new place to live. You'd have to imagine he'll take the fall for their loss. And I can't say I feel sorry for him.. He is, after all, a member of the 1994 team that cheated the salary cap to win their fifth Super Bowl, and is and will always be a member of the Cheating Whiners.

I give credit to the Jets, though. Nobody gave them a chance (including me), yet came back from 10-0, at one point lead 17-10, and had a chance to stun the Steelers at the end of regulation.


Falcons 47, Rams 17
(Prediction: Falcons 31, Rams 14)

This has to rank up there with one of the most sickening games I've ever seen in my 25-plus years as a Rams fan.

It took less than three minutes (namely, Vick's 47 yard scramble early in the game) to leave little doubt that the Rams were in big trouble, and the only chance they had to pull this one out would've been to outscore the Falcons in a shootout.

Down 7-0 just three minutes into the game, the Rams would quickly strike back in a five play touchdown drive. Martz for once used his head on offense - starting with four straight runs, then a play-action pass that fooled the defense, resulting in a 57 yard touchdown catch by Kevin Curtis (filling in for an injured Isaac Bruce).

While the Rams offense didn't play poorly in the first half, their defense and special teams wasted no time putting them into a hole too big to climb out of.

Atlanta would pile up nearly 250 yards rushing in the FIRST HALF, and would finish the game with 40 carries for 329 yards, averaging 8.2 yards per carry and becoming the fourth team in history to pile up 300 or more rushing yards in a playoff game.

While Mike Vick still scares defenses more with his legs than his arm, who would've ever imagined that Atlanta would put up 47 points in a game where Vick would only pass for 82 yards? Then again, the way they slapped around the Rams rushing defense, why even pass?

Special teams decided they wanted to contribute to the blowout as well, giving up three huge punt returns to Allen Rossum - one of them 68 yards for a touchdown. Rossum returned 3 punts for a playoff-record 152 yards, an average of 50.7 per return.

Warrick Dunn not only set his career playoff high for rushing yards by the end of the first quarter, but scored the first two postseason touchdowns of his career.

How bad was this game? When Fox returned from a commercial break with a closeup of a Falcons cheerleader, the first thing I thought was "I bet SHE can average 10 yards a carry against the Rams, too!"

The Rams offense, however, didn't come out of the locker room for the second half. They ended the first half down just 28-17, and watched the Falcons tack on 19 more (including a safety in the fourth quarter) as the Rams were unable to score even once in the last thirty minutes.

This game was so ugly that when T.J. Duckett scored the final touchdown with just 1:54 left to put the Falcons up by 30, I actually had mixed feelings over his "Put the nail in the coffin" touchdown celebration. Part of me thought "Classless!", and "Act like you've been there before!" (no surprise, since Duckett made headlines last year with an arrogant and classless touchdown celebration late in a game last year with the Falcons behind by a mile). And part of me actually thought "YES! Put the fucking nail in the coffin, PLEASE! PLEASE END THIS GAME ALREADY!"

You don't win championships without defense, and you sure as hell don't win championships when your defense is smacked around that badly by your opponents' running game. If you don't control the line of scrimmage in this game, you don't win, and the Rams were so overwhelmed on defense that Mike Rozier could've come out of retirement and put up 150 yards tonight.

I have a little message for Rams defensive coordinator Larry Marmie. A quote, if you will, from Glengarry Glen Ross. To quote Al Pacino, in the role of Richard Roma:

"Where did you learn your trade, you stupid fucking c***, you idiot?!"

Marmie did the unthinkable tonight. I'm so angry with him and the terrible defense he's put together in St. Louis that I want him fired more than I want Martz fired - and believe me, I still want Martz fired. Marmie needs to go. He has set this defense back in just one season. And there's less reason to believe Marmie can turn the defense around than there is to believe Martz can become a good coach - and the latter will never happen.

I had recently joked to Eric that I'd like to see a team that appears to be overwhelmed and outmatched just decide "Fuck it" and stick 20 guys out on defense on one play, figuring "Hey, we'll get a penalty, but at least we won't give up 60 yards on this play!". This game was so bad the Rams might as well have done it. They looked like a Pop Warner team trying to stop an NFL offense tonight.

That being said, the dumbest coaching move of the night goes not to Marmie, or even Martz, but Jim Moron Jr., who showed he has the Mora coaching gene.

Just prior to the two minute warning in the first half, Vick took off and ran 15 yards to the Rams' 19 yard line. He lost his footing, and coughed up the football as he hit the ground. The Rams recovered the "fumble".

Now, the ground cannot cause a fumble. And the first thing I thought after seeing the replay is "Mora has got to challenge this!". He didn't. For the life of me, I don't understand why. You had the momentum, it was worth a shot to challenge it, and if the Rams had turned around and scored on that possession, it could've changed the momentum of the game...

Of course, in hindsight, it turned out to be a moot point. The Rams went 3 and out, and punted, then watched Rossum run 68 yards to give the Falcons yet another touchdown anyway.

At that point, the game was on it's way to being quickly out of hand.

Well, congratulations, Mora. You did in one game what your father never did in six - you actually won a playoff game. Whoever thought we'd live to see a Mora coach a team to a postseason victory?

I'll recap and offer my thoughts tomorrow night on Sunday's games.

Labels: Meathead Martz, Ram Pride, Sports

Before I look at this weekend's playoff games, I'd like to comment on the news out of Major League Baseball from yesterday.

The union and owners have agreed on a new, stricter steroid policy that allows random testing for all players, and calls for a suspension on the FIRST offense. This would appear to be a step in the right direction (and one, ironically, that many of the players wanted all along during the most recent Collective Bargaining talks).

Now, again, this looks good on paper... But the question is, will it truly be enforced? Is this real, or just more PR to appease the fans after the shit hit the BALCO fan late last year?

And perhaps the biggest question was the alleged tape phone conversation of Barry Bonds' former trainer, Greg Anderson, who had apparently said over the phone that MLB would tell him ahead of time when Bonds was due to be tested. Many of the other players believed/caught/admitted to use steroids showed up in 2004 much smaller than they had been in recent years. Bonds was an exception, who was as big as ever.

This would mean either Bonds has found another source/undectable substance to get past the testing, OR baseball IS covering for him.

If Bonds showed up at close to 230 pounds again next year, and hits another 45 or so home runs while being walked 200 times, and doesn't test positive, then we know there is more monkey business going on...

Especially when you keep in mind that the record for most home runs hit by a player 40 years or older is 34, set by Darrell Evans in the 1987 juiced ball year...

So, at the moment, this looks like a step in the right direction by baseball. The question is whether they'll stick to their guns and subject EVERYONE to the same scrutiny, testing and rules, regardless of how close they are to 755.


Now to this weekend's games:

New York Jets at Pittsburgh Steelers:

Offense: Jets 17th in points, 12th in yards. Steelers 11th in points, 14th in yards.
Defense: Jets 4th in points, 7th in yards. Steelers 1st in points, 1st in yards.

Jets 5-4 on the road (including playoffs), Steelers 8-0 at home.

These two teams met on December 12, with the 15-1 Steelers beating them 17-6 in a tight defensive game. Not surprising, when you look at the defensive ranks of both teams. I don't think it's a far stretch to suggest we'll see more of the same.

Despite the Jets opening up their offense last week and allowing Chad Pennington to make big plays (something he has rarely been given the chance to do), there is a big difference between the Chargers defense and the Steelers defense. The Chargers are a young, talented defense that still hasn't grown together into a unit, the Steelers simply have the best defense in the league. Expect Pennington to turn the ball over a couple of times, and expect Curtis Martin to struggle on the ground.

On the other side of the ball, Pittsburgh will probably try to rely on their two-headed running back tandem of Duce Staley and Jerome Bettis, and call upon Ben Roethlisberger to make a few plays when needed (the formula they've ridden all year long).

Plus, there is a big difference between eeking out a win against a team that played not to lose (the Chargers last week) and against the #1 seed in the playoffs. Expect the Steelers to win their 15th straight in a defensive battle.

Steelers 20, Jets 10.


St. Louis Rams at Atlanta Falcons:

Offense: Rams 19th in points, 6th in yards. Falcons 16th in points, 18th in yards.
Defense: Rams 25th in points, 17th in yards. Falcons 14th in points, 14th in yards.

Rams 3-6 on the road (including playoffs), Falcons 7-1 at home.

In week 2, the Falcons pulverized the Rams 34-17 in Atlanta, with the Rams unwilling to run the ball (which looks really bad, considering a few weeks later the Kansas City Chiefs ran for nearly 280 yards and a record 8 rushing touchdowns on the Falcons defense) and the Rams unable to stop Michael Vick from running. If there are two things you can expect from this game, it'll be for Vick to run wild again, and Fartz to neglect the run.

If there is anything in the Rams favor compared to last week's game against Seattle, it's that opposing head coach Jim Mora Jr. DOES have the Mora coaching gene, and that this game is indoors, so weather is no factor.

That being said, let's go back to 1986, and a film called Bull Durham. Kevin Costner, playing veteran minor league catcher Crash Davis, told rookie pitcher Nuke Laloosh that you never fuck with a streak...

Falcons 31, Rams 14.


Minnesota Vikings at Philadelphia Eagles:

Offense: Vikings 6th in points, 3rd in yards. Eagles 8th in points, 8th in yards.
Defense: Vikings 26th in points, 28th in yards. Eagles 7th in points, 22nd in yards.

Vikings 4-5 at home (including playoffs), Eagles 7-1 at home.

This is my upset special of the week. As much as I'd like to see both teams sent home, that's not going to happen - at least not this week. One of these teams has to move on, and all signs point to it being the Minnesota Vikings.

I know the media has gone bonkers over Terrell Owens' injury, acting like that alone might keep the Eagles from the Super Bowl. However, you would think the Eagles - even without their selfish, overrated, punk wide receiver, are good enough to beat the lowly Vikings in Philadelphia...

The reality is the Eagles have sabotaged themselves. Intensity isn't a switch like a light bulb that you can turn on and off at will. Usually once it's turned off, it doesn't come back on.

The Eagles turned off the intensity in their last two games. It wasn't just that they benched their starters, but that the players who DID play went through the motions, thinking "Who cares? We have the one seed. Let's just stay healthy for the playoffs". Toss in the fact they've had an extra week of no competition thanks to the bye, and this is a recipe for disaster.

To make matters worse, you have to wonder if the Eagles - who had proven themselves to be a somewhat mentally soft team in the last few years - have already gone into this thinking "We can't win without TO!" and/or "Well, if we lose, we have an excuse...". Andy Reid fucked up by not playing at least one of the two final games to win.

Vikings 28, Eagles 13.


Indianapolis Colts at New England Patriots:

Offense: Colts 1st in points, 2nd in yards. Patriots 4th in points, 7th in yards.
Defense: Colts 19th in points, 29th in yards. Patriots 2nd in points, 9th in yards.

Colts 5-3 on the road, Patriots 8-0 at home.

They're due. After two regular season losses in the last two seasons, and the fiasco in last year's playoffs, the whiny Patriots are INDEED ripe for the picking. Considering what the Colts did to the Broncos defense last week, I'm not even sure a healthy Patsies defense could do much better. I know it's easy to look at the last three meetings and use them as a measuring stick, but this is a very different Colts team - once which has established two receivers not named Marvin Harrison in the offense and two tight ends. There are just too many guys to cover...

Toss in the injuries to starting cornerbacks Ty Law and Tyrone Poole, and the Patsies will really have their hands full.

However, perhaps the biggest sign that New England is in trouble is how worked up they got over Mike Vanderjagt's comments. The New England teams of the last few years would've ignored such comments, and focused on playing on the field. This is a team that obviously is rattled, either over their injuries, a recent loss to Miami on Monday night and/or the way the Colts shredded the Broncos last week.

As far as Vanderjagt's comments, what was he supposed to say? "Well, they beat us the last three times. They're just too superior to us. I think we should forfeit"? There is a difference between confidence and talking shit. "At least Peyton Manning's girlfriend doesn't accidently lock herself in a bathroom!" would be talking shit, expressing confidence in your chances to win is just that - confidence.

Are Tom Brady and Tara Reid even still dating? Hell, do I even really care? Tom might be, considering that he'll have lots of time to spend with his girlfriend after this weekend.

Colts 42, Patriots 17

Last week's record: 1-3

Labels: BALCO Barry, Cheaters, Meathead Martz, Ram Pride, Sports, Terrible Owens

First, a look back at last weekend's playoff action:

Rams 27, Seahawks 20 (Prediction: Seahawks 35, Rams 17)

So much for the weatherman being able to predict weather (and the irony is, I'm related to one). So much for the Seahawks' receivers being able to catch the ball.

The Rams kicked off the playoffs by beating the Seahawks in the Mediocre Teams With Bad Coaches Bowl. Despite Fartz still confusing running the balls with the runs he gets in his pants, the Rams were bailed out by the fact Seattle was coached worse than they were - imagine that!

Seattle defensive coordinator Ray Rhodes is notorious for refusing to blitz, even if the ideal call is to go out and blitz every chance you get. Giving Marc Bulger all the time in the world to stand in the pocket, he'd pick the defense to shreds all game long - as usually is the case with Rams quarterbacks, or most any professional QB...

Adding insult to injury was the fact Seattle's receivers left their hands at home, leading to a number of key drops and one interception (that went right off the hands of Darrell Jackson and into the hands of Rams cornerback Travis Fisher).

Though, the biggest drop of the game would be the last - after the Rams scored to make it 27-20, Seattle marched down the field. On 4th down and 4 from the Rams 5 with 27 seconds left, Hasselbeck would scramble to escape a blitz, firing a pass that would clank off Bobby Engram's hands in the end zone - and likely send Mike Holmgren packing for San Francisco.


Jets 20, Chargers 17 (Prediction: Chargers 24, Jets 14)

Good ol' Marty Schottenheimer (AKA Farty Shittenheimer). Gets a team to the playoffs, then goes back into his conservative shell, overcoaches and send his team right out of the playoffs. Along with death and taxes, you can always count on Marty to go one and out in the playoffs...

This despite being given a gift by the Jets to send the game to overtime.

4th and goal from the 1, down by a touchdown, Eric Barton would level Chargers' QB Drew Brees with a late hit - after Brees had dropped back about 20 yards to escape the pressure and threw a incomplete pass. Giving the Chargers new life (and four new downs), Brees would connect with Antonio Gates on the next play to tie the game and force overtime.

On their second possession of OT, the Chargers would march effortlessly down the field against the Jets' tired defense. However, once San Diego had reached the 25 yard line, old Marty did what he did best - got conservative. Instead of making a legitimate effort to pick up some more yards, he called three straight ineffective running plays, leaving his rookie kicker to attempt a 40 yard field goal to win it (and keep in mind - NO rookie has ever kicked a game-winning field goal in overtime).

Wide right.

Now it was the Jets with another chance and new life, who would march down against the deflated Chargers, setting up Doug Brien's 28 yard game winning field goal near the end of the first OT.

From what Alane tells me, despite the media's attempts to put the blame on Chargers kicker Nate Kaeding, Chargers fans in San Diego are blaming Schottenheimer for calling off the dogs. I have to agree. Sloppy field, rookie kicker, overtime in the playoffs. Why not at least go out and pick up some more yards?

I swear, if you combined Farty and Fartz, you just MIGHT end up with a good coach... Maybe.


Colts 49, Broncos 24 (Prediction: Colts 28, Broncos 21)

The only game I got right this weekend - if you can call it a game. Honestly, it looked more like a beating... This one was over by halftime, and nowhere near as close as the score made it look.

As tempting as it is to blame Jake Plummer for another playoff loss, this time around the blame should go to Mike Shanahan - who thought his last name was Martz. Despite Denver's success over the years in running the ball, Shanahan abandoned the run sometime around the opening kickoff...

And so much for that improved Broncos defense. They looked like they couldn't have defended a closed door with a rifle - much less the Colts offense.

Two key things about the Colts offense:

1. It is a lot like the 1999 Rams. They run. They have multiple weapons at wide receiver - all of whom get the ball. They get the tight ends involved in the passing game. They are just too many targets to stop.

2. Marvin Harrison plays the game the right way. He runs clean routes, he doesn't throw a fit over how many passes are thrown his way, and he blocks. Harrison laid out a Broncos defender near the goal line during Reggie Wayne's second touchdown on Sunday - not one of these pansy "lean on the cornerback" blocks we see from most wide receivers, but the kind of block you'd expect to see from a fullback. I've always liked Harrison, and the more I watch him, the more I like him.

Think Terrell Owens, or Jerry Rice, or Randy Moss would be happy with winning in an offense like the Colts? Fuck no! They'd be throwing weekly temper tantrums over losing stats to Reggie Wayne, Brandon Stokley, Dallas Clark and Marcus Pollard. Harrison is keeping his mouth shut, and doing things on the field besides catching to help this offense.

Too bad there aren't more receivers like him...


Vikings 31, Packers 17 (Prediction: Packers 31, Vikings 24)

The Vikings wasted no time in stunning the Packers, jumping out to a quick 17-0 lead and never looking back. Once again, the Packers found themselves in a playoff game where they looked unprepared and lost - and at home again, no less.

I know it's easy to look at the stats and think "It's Brett Favre's fault". Those morons at ESPN have been having a field day all week with his performance, saying how he's "lost it" and "regressed" and "Throws away big games".

Favre, however, is a gambler. Always has been, always will be. When players like him are on, they're unstoppable. When they're not, it's disaster. And when you're plagued with one of the worst defenses in the NFL and down 17-0 faster than you can say "Purple People Eaters", a gambler is going to gamble. Games like this weren't happening for Favre in the mid to late 90's because those Packers had a good defense. Down 17-0, he'd be thinking "They got lucky. We can get a couple stops, a couple scores and we're right back in it". Here in the 21st century, Favre sees 17-0 and likely thinks "Oh, fuck. We're going to lose by 60!"

There are three big subplots tied to this game that honestly are bigger than the game itself:

1. Mike Sherman needs to be fired. Say all you want about how Mike Holmgren left, and the one year Ray Rhodes disaster, but Sherman has turned the Packers into one of the softest teams in the NFL.

Two years ago, they lose a playoff game AT HOME in cold weather to the Falcons, a soft dome team (marking the first ever home playoff loss for Green Bay).

Last year, he refuses to go for it late in the game on 4th and 1 from the Eagles' 40, despite having the best offensive line in football, and knowing a first down allows them to run out the clock and hold the lead. They punt, it comes out to the 20, and a few plays later comes the 4th and 26 debacle. Philadelphia scores to tie it, then wins in overtime (with the press of course blaming Favre for his INT in overtime, instead of Sherman's weak coaching).

And this year? A loss at home to another soft dome team that finished out the season 3-7.

Combine four straight years of bad defense, and the fact Green Bay went 4-5 (including Sunday) at home this year, and there's no doubt Sherman has this team heading in the wrong direction.

2. According to Mike in San Francisco, ESPN radio reported that after the game Sherman spent 45 minutes talking Favre out of retiring. Under the circumstances of the last 13 months (his father, brother in law and Reggie White dying, his wife battling cancer), I think the only appropriate thing Sherman could've said was for Brett to think about it and be sure this is what he wanted before making an announcement. Even with the big games and another Pro-Bowl caliber year, you know Favre's personal problems aren't far from his mind, and have to be taking a toll. I'd hate to see the guy retire, but maybe it's time - not because of what's happened the last few years in the playoffs, but real life.

3. Moongate. Brandie Moss decided to "celebrate" his second touchdown on Sunday by bending over and pretending to moon the crowd behind the end zone. This, just a week after the "leaving the field with two seconds left" fiasco, and his interview later that week (refusing to admit he was wrong, giving half-assed support to coach Mike Tice).

I tend to think despite the tradition (read below) in Green Bay, his actions were done as a big "Fuck you!" to the fans, many of which were holding up signs saying "Leave now, Randy!" and other similiar statements. Well, here's a thought, Brandie - if you didn't pull shit like the stunt you pulled in Washington, maybe you wouldn't egg fans on into bringing such signs? Maybe if you just shut up and play the game and acted like a human being, you wouldn't have tens of thousands of fans on your ass in every visiting stadium you play in?

This lone incident has become the biggest story from this game, bigger than the game itself or the possibility it may be the last time we'll see Brett Favre play...

Tuesday, Tony Dungy said in an interview that he was glad Moss did it, because there (supposedly) is a tradition in Green Bay where fans walk by the team bus of the opponents and moon them after Packers' wins. Considering Dungy's reputation of being honest and classy, I tend to believe him. However, if so, this doesn't change the fact that Moss' actions were childish and stupid. Two wrongs don't make a right.

Wednesday, Vikings' owner Red McCombs blasted Fox, demanding that Joe Buck NOT cover this weekend's Vikings/Eagles game after Buck went on about Moss' "disgusting", "obscene" gesture. The fact is it was a disgusting, obscene gesture. What did he expect - for Buck to sit in the booth and applaud him for him?

Red, maybe instead of going off on Joe Buck, maybe you need to go off on your $85 million wide receiver who plays hard when he wants to, leaves games early, gets arrested and has a serious attitude problem.

Though, Chris brings up a valid point in why he agreed with McCombs going after Buck - the fact it seems like Buck was more than happy to rip on Moss, but seems to have nothing critical to say about Terrell Owens. No argument there. That being said, I don't feel there's anything wrong with me ripping on Moss for his childish gesture because I have been ripping on Owens for years.

Vince Lombardi used to say "Act like you've been there before". And it'd sure be nice if these players would start doing so...

I'll post my predictions for this weekend's games tomorrow.

Labels: Meathead Martz, Ram Pride, Sports

With the playoffs set to start, I'll offer my thoughts on this weekend's games and my predictions...

New York Jets at San Diego Chargers:

Offense: Jets 17th in points, 12th in yards. Chargers 3rd in points, 11th in yards.
Defense: Jets 4th in points, 7th in yards. Chargers 11th in points, 18th in yards.

Jets 4-4 on the road, Chargers 7-1 at home.

Unlike most of America, I do think the Chargers are the real deal. A talented defense (though yet to truly perform as a unit), great running game, and we all know the year Drew Brees has had at QB. The Jets themselves have one heck of a defense, and of course Shauna's favorite RB - Curtis Martin.

That being said, San Diego finished the year strong, where the Jets limped into the playoffs. The Chargers went 9-1 in their last ten, where New York went 5-5 in the same stretch. Momentum does count going into the playoffs, and the Jets don't have it.

I'm going to go with the home team and the hot streak on this one.

Chargers 24, Jets 14.


Denver Broncos at Indianapolis Colts:

Offense: Broncos 9th in points, 5th in yards. Colts 1st in points, 2nd in yards.
Defense: Broncos 10th in points, 4th in yards. Colts 19th in points, 29th in yards.

Broncos 4-4 on the road, Colts 7-1 at home.

Perhaps the two most opposite quarterbacks in the league. Peyton Manning, a student of the game who plays calm, cool and under control. Jake The Flake Plummer, always doing something crazy out there - then losing his cool over it (ie. the "Mile High Salute" he gave with his middle finger a few weeks ago). Another case of one team finishing strong (the Colts) and one hobbling into the playoffs (the Broncos).

However, on the flip side, two very different defenses - Denver's, which finished 4th in yards allowed and 10th in points allowed, and Indy's, which finished 19th in points and a terrible 29th in yards allowed.

While defense often makes a difference in the playoffs, so does momentum. Denver has enough defense to keep this game from turning into a rout, but I don't think it will be enough - especially if the wheels come off on the offense yet again.

Colts 28, Broncos 21.


Minnesota Vikings at Green Bay Packers:

Offense: Vikings 6th in points, 3rd in yards. Packers 5th in points, 4th in yards.
Defense: Vikings 26th in points, 28th in yards. Packers 23rd in points, 25th in yards.

Vikings 3-5 on the road, Packers 4-4 at home.

In years past, this would be a no-brainer, simply being a home playoff game in Lambeau Field. However, two years ago, the Falcons came in and ended the Packers season in Green Bay, and the usual home frozen tundra advantage hasn't been there for the Packers this year.

On the other hand, we are talking about the Minnesota Vikings - who finished the season with a horrendous 3-7 finish, including a loss against the Redskins that could've potentially knocked them out of the playoffs (unfortunately, it didn't).

The forecast for tomorrow in Green Bay calls for a high of 33, and a game time temperature of 31. And while you'd think that kind of weather wouldn't bother a team from Minnesota, we are talking about a soft team that plays indoors and is notoriously weak in bad weather.

This game has a potential shootout written all over it, but again I'll take the home team and the weather. Besides, I just can't pick the Vikings in the playoffs - not after the way they finished the season.

Packers 31, Vikings 24.


And we save the worst for last...

St. Louis Rams at Seattle Seahawks:

Offense: Rams 19th in points, 6th in yards. Seahawks 9th in points, 12th in yards.
Defense: Rams 25th in points, 17th in yards. Seahawks 22nd in points, 26th in yards.

Rams 2-6 on the road, Seahawks 5-3 at home.

Mercifully, this is the first game of the weekend - just hurry up and get it over with. I'm hard pressed to think of the last time I've seen such an ugly matchup in the playoffs.

The recipe for this game? Two teams from a division that doesn't deserve to have teams in the playoffs, two bad coaches, two terrible defense, and two teams that have GIVEN up more points than they've scored and both have a negative turnover ratio. The 73 point gap between points scored and allowed by the Rams is the worst in the modern playoff era.

Seattle coach Mike Holmgren seems to have lost his mind, and at times seems more like he's thinking about coaching the 49ers than taking care of the team he's coaching now. Martz has been scapegoating players and becoming more insane by the week.

Adding more shit to this manure pile are the events of last Sunday's games - the Rams winning despite Martz going pass-wacky and calling insane plays (which will now convince him it WORKS), and Shauna Alexandria throwing a tantrum and accusing his team of "stabbing him in the back" for leaving him one yard short of the rushing title. Toss in the Turley/Fartz soap opera, and Koren Robinson's chaos, and there'll be more bad chemistry on this team than a class full of chemistry students tinkering around in the lab for the first time...

Rumors are if Seattle loses, Holmgren is fired. Sadly, current rumors also have Meathead returning to the Rams next year, no matter what (ensuring another embarassing year).

Then to make matters worse, we're talking about two teams that limped their way into the playoffs. Momentum? What's that?

Okay, so surely someone has to have an advantage here, right? Yeah. Today's forecast sounds like something you'd expect in Green Bay - it's expected to be 33 with rain and possible snow at kickoff time in Seattle. And with the Kingdome now millions of bits of rubble and Seattle in an outdoor stadium, this means the weather is indeed a factor.

The Rams - like Minnesota - are a soft team that plays indoors, and plays very poorly in bad weather. In a cold game on Monday night against the Packers this year, the Rams were pulverized 45-17.

If it were expected to be 60 and cloudy or something, I'd not make a prediction on this game, simply because these teams are in the same shitty state and it's hard to pick which pile of crap you expect to win. But the weather changes everything.

Expect turnovers, expect pass-wacky crap from Fartz, expect the Rams to not take advantage of Steven Jackson's power running in bad conditions.

Seattle 35, Rams 17.

Labels: Meathead Martz, Ram Pride, Sports

I'll start this column off with some good news...

Ryne Sandberg is finally in the Hall Of Fame. Should've happened two ballots ago, but at least he's in, and I've seen far worse injustices when it's come to the Hall than Sandberg waiting two years...

Ryno, like so many others on the outside looking in, was the victim of voters looking at his numbers and comparing them to today, instead of looking at them compared to his contemporaries. Sandberg was not only a remarkable defensive second baseman, but hit for power back when you didn't have a league full of power-hitting middle infielders. In my 25 years of following the game, he was the best 2B I'd watched.

Wade Boggs was a no-brainer, simply from getting 3,000 hits. After all, there is only one player with 3,000 or more hits and who's been retired for five years who isn't in - and he's not even allowed in.

It still continues to frustrate me that Andre Dawson, Jim Rice, Bert Blyleven, Tommy John and Goose Gossage (to name a few) are still on the outside looking in.

Rice and Dawson were two of the most dominant hitters of the 80's. And, again, players that I believe voters are trying to compare to today's players, which just isn't fair... The parks were bigger then, the ball wasn't juiced up, the pitching was better, and of course there wasn't a major steroid problem. What the writers/voters don't get is if you took today's sluggers, took away their 'roids and sent them back to the 1980's, they'd be lucky to even come close to their existing numbers.

Blyleven and John have just been downright screwed in my opinion this whole time. Both were contemporaries of Fergie Jenkins (who is in the Hall and does deserve to be in), and both have very similiar numbers to Jenkins. How one is in and the other two are out is beyond me... Especially when you consider Blyleven is still fifth all-time in strikeouts, and John came back after ligament replacement surgery (which, of course, is now named after him) and had more wins AFTER the surgery than before - even though doctors truly believed his career was finished and he'd never pitch again.

Pete Rose, everyone's favorite sideshow, received only 9 write-in votes this time around - his lowest total yet. And with only one last chance for the writers to vote him in (if reinstated by November), it looks like any chance of him going to the Hall during his life are over. From here, it'd wind up in the hands of the Veterans Committee - and considering how many of his contemporaries hate him for what he did, I don't see them putting Rose in.

And speaking of a Cincinnati teammate, is there anyone besides me who seriously believes Dave Concepcion deserves to be in the Hall? Better offensive numbers than Ozzie Smith, a better fielder (not as flashy, but BETTER) and a pretty good baserunner. Yet Ozzie goes in first ballot, Davey is still on the outside.

And, finally, I don't know what shocks me more: That Tom Candiotti and his 151-164 lifetime record received two votes, or that Darryl Strawberry actually received six. As much as I liked Candiotti, he deserved no consideration, and Strawberry deserved even LESS for wasting his talent and throwing away his career. I don't hate Darryl Strawberry - truthfully, I pity him. But I'd be lying if I said I don't look at his career as one giant disappointment.


The Angels now want to be called the "Los Angeles Angels Of Anaheim". No joke. Owner Arte Moreno wants to appeal to a larger fan-base by connecting the team to LA's market. The city of Anaheim is not happy, obviously...

No confirmation or denial of rumors that next year they will change their name to the Los Angeles, Los Angeles County, California, United States, North America, Earth, Milky Way Galaxy Angels of Anaheim to try to attract fans on Alpha Centauri...


The Rams make the playoffs: Well, color me shocked. Of course, they still needed a helping hand from Minnesota, who decided to go out and lose to Washington and open the door for the Rams in the first place... Same old Minnesota, starting off hot and playing like crap over the second half.

However, this is going to hurt the Rams more in the long run than help. This is not a Super Bowl caliber team. In fact, they're not even close. They wouldn't even make the playoffs if they were in the AFC - then again, if they were in the AFC, they wouldn't have even gone 8-8 either.

What this win does is likely ensures Mike Fartz returns next year, which is the last thing this team needs. Fartz should've been fired years ago - for keeping Kurt Warner out there with a concussion, for stabbing people in the back, for blowing Super Bowl XXXVI. People - some of whom are unfortunately in the Rams' front office - are brainwashed into thinking Fartz has made the Rams successful in his five years as head coach. What they DON'T realize is Meathead was handed the team that Dick Vermeil built and took to a championship, and in five years took Vermeil's Ferrari and turned it into a Yugo. Instead of blindly kissing his ass and giving him credit for what Vermeil did, people should be asking "You were handed this team and you couldn't deliver another championship with it!?!".

In five years, Fartz took a potential dynasty, and instead has turned it into the laughingstock of the NFL. Nice going.

To make matters worse is the manner in which they won on Sunday to get into the playoffs. The Rams actually won a game where Martz went pass-wacky and abandoned the run (we all knew Martz the liar wouldn't stick with the running game, of course) by passing 42 times and running 19. They also got away with two foolish play-calls: A reverse wide receiver pass by Isaac Bruce that was nearly intercepted, and a reverse WR run on 1st and goal from the six. Who the hell calls a reverse inside the red zone?!

So, now Fartz will view the victory over the Jets as confirmation that he can win HIS way - nevermind all the other games they LOST his way until Sunday. He'll become even worse now. Expect Fartz to call 50 passes and 5 runs against Seattle this weekend.

To make matters worse is the Fartz/Turley soap opera, the looming salary cap problems, and the growing evidence that the Rams have a high-priced running back tied up in a long-term deal who might be washed up. Turn out the lights, the party's over in St. Louis...

I'd say the wild card game is a definitely loss for the Rams, but it's not like Seattle doesn't have it's OWN problems right now...


I am sure Alane is going to hate me for this... But, from this day forward, he will be known as Shauna Alexandria. Despite making the playoffs, despite battling major injuries all year (far worse than the injuries that have given the poor Rams the excuse to not play hard) and despite holding on to win and take the division, the running back formerly known as Shaun Alexander only had one thing on his mind after Sunday:

How he was supposedly stabbed in the back to prevent him from winning the NFL's rushing title.

Instead of being happy about making the playoffs, or just congratulating Curtis Martin - who beat him by ONE YARD - Shauna was whining about a quarterback sneak in the 4th quarter, viewing it as a "stab in the back". Nevermind the fact that QB sneak put another 7 points on the board, which gave Seattle an eight point lead (and eventually the win). No, the only thing that mattered to Shauna was his rushing title.

No, Shauna, you weren't stabbed in the back. Your team decided winning the game - and the NFC West - was a higher priority than your stats.

Shades of Michael jordon, I tell you. Like the time Horace Grant told him "Screw you, Mj! All you care about is your scoring titles, and everyone knows it!".

Alexandria is a great running back, but now I'm absolutely glad Curtis Martin won the rushing title. If the roles were reversed, Martin would've been congratulating Alexandria, expressing how happy he was that his team won the division, and looking forward to the playoffs. Martin is a class act who has lead by example and put winning first. Alexandria has just shown he's no Curtis Martin.

I'm so tired of the me-me-me crap in pro sports...

Speaking of which...


Terrible Owens, Bad Teammate has made his Philadelphia debut. The man famous for ripping quarterbacks, teammates, and coaches in San Francisco decided he couldn't make it one year without whining about his stats in Philadelphia.

Despite the fact the Eagles went 13-1 in his 14 games, Owens was "unhappy" with the lack of touches - and touchdowns - he got in the last six games he was in the lineup. This, of course, is no surprise to anyone who has followed football and not been blinded by ESPN's hype and his stupid touchdown celebrations. Terrell Owens plays for Terrell Owens. Always has, always will. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: He'd rather catch 150 passes for 2,000 yards and 25 TD's on an 0-16 team than catch 70 passes for 900 yards and 6 TD's on a 16-0 team. Owens cares about Owens, not his team - and certainly not winning.

Add to this his backhanded comments about fellow wide receivers Freddie Mitchell and Todd Pinkston ("They wanted the ball more, let's see what they can do without me."), and it's clear that Seattle isn't the only team entering the playoffs with brewing chemistry issues over INDIVIDUAL statistucs. Toss in the fact the Eagles mailed in their final two games of the regular season (no effort, no starters, no intensity), and this is a recipe for going one and out in the playoffs.

I suppose at least the good news for Eagles' fans is this time they won't choke in the conference championship game... Not that I feel too sorry for the Eagles - they knew what they were getting into when they acquired this self-centered egomaniac.

Please, just shut the fuck up already, Owens. You've gotten so bad that I almost would rather listen to a Britney Spears song than listen to your shit. There's no I in team, nor is there "TO" in team either...


Randy Moss decided to take the final two seconds of the season off. Moss, known for his selfish and immature behavior throughout his entire career, decided he wanted to be the first one in the showers Sunday, as the Vikings lined up to attempt an onside kick with the hope of recovering and scoring a desperation touchdown. Nevermind the fact that Moss could've potentially helped Minnesota recover, Randy decided hot water and a fresh bar of soap was more important than his team and winning.

This guy's act has gotten so old. Whether it be playing hard only when he wants to, or whining about wanting the ball more, Randy has shown he's an NBA punk on an NFL team. He took it to a new low as far as I'm concerned on Sunday - because now instead of deciding when he'll play hard and when he won't, now he clearly will decide when he wants to be on the field and when he won't.

Perhaps it's time to rename him to Brandie Mossie?


Lastly, what grilling of bad sports would be complete without a look at the 49ers, a fraudulant franchise that dares to claim they "win with class"? When "The Genius" Bill Walsh (AKA THE Most Overrated Coach In NFL History) took over as general manager in 1999, he swore he would not follow Carmen Policy and give overpriced, backloaded contracts to players. Indeed, he did that, paving the way for the 49ers' second trip to Salary Cap Hell in five years.

Last spring, he retired, turning the GM duties over to Terry Donahue, who knew he would eventually be stuck cleaning up Walsh's mess. Donahue decided to take his poison now instead of later, slashing salary and creating a situation where the 2004 Whiners found themselves with $29 million in dead cap money - figuring the sooner he got these contracts off the books, the sooner they could rebuild.

A bad 2003 team overachieved their way to a 7-9 record, followed by this year's disasterous 2-14 team (which, to be bluntly honest about it, should've gone 0-16 and could be THE worst team in NFL history).

Donahue and coach Dennis Erickson - who was coaching what amounted to about 2/3 of a football team this year - were rewarded with pink slips on Wednesday. Donahue couldn't have improved the team if someone stuck a gun to his head (due to the cap situation), and I'm not even sure Vince Lombardi could've gotten 3 wins out of this team.

Same old 49ers - nothing but a bunch of classless backstabbers. Same shit, different owner. Not that I care much for .23 Erickson, and I didn't think much of Donahue when he coached UCLA. But both of them deserved better than this. They were handed a shit team thanks to Walsh, and deserved better than to go down in flames because of the stupidity of the so-called "Genius".

Though, at the same time, it's enjoyable to see things like this. After all, there are times where it's more tempting to hate the Baltimore Ratbirds and New England Patsies than my archrival 49ers. This helps keep things in perspective and keeps the 49ers #1...

Maybe it's time for me to just focus on watching golf...

Well, I'd at least like to congratulate Ryne Sandberg and Curtis Martin - class acts who deserve what they accomplished.

Labels: A world gone mad, Meathead Martz, Sports, Terrible Owens

I hope everyone out there has a safe, happy and wonderful 2005 - and nobody got too wild last night.

I can't believe that for how much I drank that I was so tame by my own standards.. Wow, I'm getting old.

Labels: Mi Vida Loca