May this dance last forever...

Material Biography

Material profanity count: 1,143
Material "fuck" count: 404
Material PORNOGRAPHY count: 2
Material Photoshop count: 3

Time goes by so slowly for those who wait...

  • Sometimes the simplest is the bestest.
  • Where I am, nearly a month later...
  • In loving and eternal memory of Ingrid Fullington:...
  • The Price Is Right: September 4, 1972-July 17, 200...
  • Only another year older?
  • Oh boy.
  • Somehow, someway, I'm still here
  • Yes, I'm still alive
  • Another one in the books...
  • Out with the old, in with the new.. Or something.


  • Archives, For I Must Live Up To My Name

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    In love and honor of my Beautiful Goddess

    Ingrid's page on tributes.com

    American Cancer Society

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    Gonna Dress You Up In My Links... All Over, All Over...

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    In loving and eternal memory of Ingrid Fullington. I'll love you always and forever, my Beautiful Goddess.

    Friday, July 29, 2005
     
    Fuck You Very Much the FCC
    This was pushed back a bit recently with some heavier updates as of late (Doris, James Doohan). However, apparently the war over "indecency" on the airwaves is still alive and well - unfortunately.

    The British Broadcasting Corporation, which carried the Live 8 concerts earlier this month, received several hundred complaints over "bad language" during the coverage of the live events - the majority of the complaints being over Snoop Doggy Dogg (who refused to censor or change his lyrics), and yours truly.

    Madonna, AKA me, started off her concert by shouting "ARE YOU FUCKING READY, LONDON!?", and at another point tried to fire up the crowd by dropping a couple more f-bombs, and signalled "We're #1!" - except she used her middle finger.

    This, of course, has been one of those hot topic issues in the last couple of years, especially thanks to the FCC attacking Howard Stern, and the controversy over Janet's Boobiegate at last year's Super Bowl.

    I have a problem with this, and not just because I do my share of swearing (see left). It's because of the hypocritical standards in which the decency laws seem to be enforced anymore.

    For instance:

    Why is it that Howard Stern gets fined (and dropped from Clear Channel) for using code words for sexual activity on the air, but graphic, detailed discussions of strange sexual behavior doesn't get Oprah Winfrey fined?

    Why is it such a big deal for me to yell "ARE YOU FUCKING READY, LONDON!?" on live television, but nobody did shit when Dick "The Big Dick" Cheney told Patrick Leahy "Go fuck yourself" in the Senate - which was broadcasted live on C-SPAN?

    Think about this. Think real hard about this. What do YOU find more offensive: Half a second of Janet Jackson's boob - complete with sun-shaped nipple shield? Or, those hatemongers with a Bible, Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell, blaming the murder of 3,000 people (9/11) on gays, lesbians, abortion, the seperation of church and state, feminists, and the ACLU? I'm sorry, but I for one am far, FAR more offended by the hatred and bigotry that Falwell and Robertson spewed - and using 3,000 dead people as an excuse to spew it, no less. Yet, I don't see the FCC raising holy living hell over that like they did with Boobiegate.

    So, at this point, I'll let Eric Idle take over. A couple years ago, he wrote and recorded a great bit of satire, called "The FCC Song" (which is available for FREE download at his official website. The direct link to the song is here.

    ARE YOU FUCKING READY, INTERNET?!

    Here's a little number I wrote the other day while out duck hunting with a judge (quack!)

    Fuck you very much the FCC
    Fuck you very much for fining me
    Five thousand bucks a fuck so I'm really out of luck*
    That's more than Heidi Fleiss was charging me

    So fuck you very much the FCC
    For proving that free speech just isn't free
    Clear Channel's a dear channel
    So Howard Stern must go
    Attorney General Ashcroft doesn't like strong words and so
    He's charging twice as much as all the drugs for Rush Limbaugh
    So fuck you all so very much

    So fuck you very much dear Mr. Bush
    For heroically sitting on your tush
    For Halliburton, Enron, all the companies who fail
    Let's send them a clear signal and stick Martha straight in jail
    She's an uppity rich bitch and at least she isn't male
    So fuck you all so very much

    So fuck you dickhead Mr. Cheney too
    Fuck you and fuck everything you do
    Your pacemaker must be a fake
    You haven't got a heart
    As far as I'm concerned your just a pasty-faced old fart
    And as for Condoleezza she's an intellectual tart
    So fuck you all so very much

    So fuck you very much the EPA
    For giving all Alaska's oil away
    It really is a bummer
    When I can't fill my Hummer
    The ozone's a no-go zone now that Arnold's here to say
    "Ze nuclear winter games are going to take place in L.A."
    So fuck you all so very much

    So what the planet fails
    Let's save the great white males
    And fuck you all so very much (quack!)

    * Cash register dings in the background, showing $730,000 on it. D'OH! (Thank goodness the FCC ain't in charge of decency on the Internet - yet!)

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    Tuesday, July 26, 2005
     
    "Eminent" nightmare
    This one may have slipped under many radars, since the mainstream corporate press - for the people, by corporations - decided not to waste much time covering this one... But our lovely, "Consistutional" and "American" Supreme Court struck again last month with yet another "fuck the people, give it all the corporations!" ruling.

    The "eminent domain" laws have existed for some time, even before June. It's purpose was to allow the government to take private property for public use - schools, roads, bridges, things like that. I first became aware of the laws shortly after the closure and sale of Norton Air Force Base in the early 90's - eminent domain gave the government the right to retake the grounds the base is on if they needed it. And, anyone (business or homeowner) who had their land taken by these laws would receive "just" compensation.

    Quite frankly, I didn't think too much of the existing laws. However, our Supreme Crook - err, excuse me, Court, decided the laws needed to be "expanded".

    Late last month, in a 5-4 vote, the Supreme Court extended eminent domain to corporations. This means if our good friends at Wal-Mart decide they want to build a new greed factory - excuse me, I mean, store, where YOUR home or small business is, they can now have the government confiscate your property, give you "just" payment, and take over. This means if Target, Home Depot, or Bed, Bath & Beyond (three of the biggest companies behind the push for these new laws) decide your neighbor is a good place for a new retail store, you can all kiss your neighborhood goodbye! Your home means far, FAR less than Capitalism Uber Alles.

    (Incidentally, Sandra Day O'Connor was VERY much opposed to this, voted against it, and lashed out about how it's screwing people in the name of corporations. She resigned from the Supreme Court shortly afterwards. Coincidence?)

    Why am I posting this now? Because let's just eminent domain is coming soon to a neighboorhood near you - or shall I say, near ME.

    I found out from the manager yesterday morning that a number of buildings that are nearly a century old - including a church - are about to be confiscated and torn to the ground so some multi-zillion dollar corporation can build condominiums in their place. Keep in mind, for starters, this street was designed several decades ago, and BARELY is wide enough for one car in each lane, so welcome to a traffic and parking nightmare (as if parking wasn't bad enough already).

    The talk is that this project will take up two to two and a half blocks (likely to include some sort of parking lot or perhaps structure), because supposedly it will stretch from the church to perhaps the family planning clinic a few blocks south of here (though, I wouldn't be surprised to see THAT go too, for political reasons).

    That is a few small businesses and a church about to be annihilated in the name of profits and capitalism. Now, while I am not a religious person, and have very serious issues with a great deal of organized religion, that is just plain wrong. The church looks like it was built shortly after 1900, is a charming little structure, and it's a small, community church. Whenever I have walked by it, the people have been respectful and courteous - saying hi, asking how I'm doing, but not pushing me. You can bet your ass that if there is a protest outside that church in the near future, I'll protest alongside them. While I don't attend their church (and won't), it doesn't change the fact this is WRONG!

    Furthermore, there will be the demolition of the existing buildings, and construction of the new condos. Keep in mind, this is literally right across the street, right outside my window. It's a good thing I will be moving in the next 2-3 months, because I sure as hell didn't plan to move into a construction zone (among other things!) when I signed a lease here.

    There is also a mechanic who has had a shop here for many years. That, too, will be gone. A man's business and livelihood is about to be yanked out from under him. Do I think for a second he will receive enough "just" compensation to start up at another location? I doubt it...

    However, it gets worse - if that's possible.

    Either Rite-Aid or Sav-On, a drugstore/pharmacy chain (Susan wasn't sure which chain), is getting in on the act, too. They want to build a new store in the area, and developers want to build a stripmall (which the Sav-On would go in). The proposed project would take up over a block, and just happens to include lots where several homes - homes that have stood for at least seventy years - happen to sit.

    You guessed it, a number of people are about to lose their homes so they can build a new pharmacy, so a chain can make even MORE money, and some greedy developers can build a multi-million dollar stripmall. We are talking about homes that in some cases have been in the family since they were first built. Not for much longer, though - the corporations deserve that land far more than homeowers!

    Thanks a fucking lot, Supreme Court. How much more obvious do you want to make it that there is a flat-out class war in this country, where the corporations and the rich can do whatever they want, have whatever they want, and the people no longer have any rights?

    And people wonder why I am getting pissed off with this country. Well, how much of "I pledge allegiance to Wal-Mart", "Nike is more important than human rights" and "We must sacrifice to the corporations" is a sane person expected to take? I mean, talk about "with liberty and justice for all... who can afford it!". People getting evicted so the rich can get richer? What the fuck is wrong with that picture?!

    This sure as hell isn't the America I was raised to believe in... But, this is what happens when a horde of corporate whores like Ronald Reagan, George Bush (both of them), Bill Clinton (yes, THE DEMOCRATS ARE JUST AS GUILTY!), Newt Gingrich, Dick Cheney, Al Gore, Gary Condit, etc. etc. etc. perform a success hostile takeover of America. At some point, this nation ceased to be the United States Of America. You can now call it the United Corporate State Of America, or America, Inc., or whatever other name suits you.

    And the politicians? Why even lie anymore? Why bother with the charade of being a two-party system. We are a one-party state - the Corporate Party. Whether it's eminent domain, or Bush's war for profits (the so-called "war on terror"), or Clinton and Gore supporting NAFTA, GATT, the WTO and MAI, the ugly reality is the crooks and traitors in charge - both "Democrat" and Republican - have sold out America to the highest bidder. After all, in their one corporation, under God bastardization of America, the corporations have more money, therefore more rights.

    Needless to say, I'm planning on getting out of here as soon as fucking possible. I can see the writing on the wall. Downtown Riverside (the old part of town) is about th be razed in the name of corporate profits. The day is coming when the building I am will be seized as well, and everyone in here thrown out so some multinational corporation or sleazy developers can acquire more money, even though they already have more than they will ever need.

    The reality is setting in - this will happen all over. Ghettos, or even older, historic parts of cities are going to be destroyed for shiny new buildings. Then what about the rest of us, the people? Where will we go if we can't afford some insane price for an apartment? Starve on the streets? Get locked up in prison?

    "We interupt this program with a special bulletin! America is now under corporate martial law. All constitutional rights have been suspended! Stay in your homes (until you lose them!)!" - Jello Biafra, "Message From Our Sponsors" (though, I added corporate to martial law).

    How would these corporate ass-clowns like it if people tried to seize their homes? A developer has already tried to seize the home of "Justice" David H. Souter to build a hotel to send a message. Maybe someone should try to claim the land of all five justices who supported this? Maybe someone should propose a City Slickers style fantasy ranch, attempting to seize George W. Bush's Crawford ranch for the site? Maybe if these criminals had to worry about losing THEIR home, they might feel differently about this.

    It's about time these assholes either get dragged into the real world with the rest of us - the ones who struggle to make ends meet, or just thrown into prison, where they ALL belong.

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    Sunday, July 24, 2005
     
    David Letterman, you truly ARE a sick fuck!
    Maddy, of course, hasn't had the warmest of relationships with Letterman over the years. And, you know, maybe I was a little wrong for going on his show, harassing him about sex (but the guy wouldn't shut up about my sex life!), swearing 14 times (now you know why I have a profanity counter here) and smoking a cigar (I'll stick to Misty 120's from now on).

    And, sure, I told him "incidentally" that he "was a sick fuck" on that infamous appearance in 1994. But, now, I really mean it.

    Apparently, David Letterman thinks death is funny.

    The day of James Doohan's death, Letterman decided it'd make great comedy. According to multiple sources on two different forums, the following took place:

    Letterman started off mentioning Doohan's passing. After a few seconds of silence, Letterman gets that infamous shit-eating grin on his face and tells the audiance "Hey, I've got great footage from Scotty's funeral!". The audience, as sick as Letterman, started laughing.

    What we see next is a cartoon. The theme to the original Star Trek is playing, and we see space. A hearse flies by with the Enterprise's warp nacelles on top of it. The audience went nuts.

    I'm sure glad that a man dying of Alzheimer's, leaving behind seven children and a wife, brings so much amusement to the lives of David Letterman and his audience.

    This just seems to be the attitude in today's society anymore. Death is something to laugh at. Why? Why not! After all, as the thugs and assholes who have taken over this world like to say, "That's on you!". In other words, since something doesn't directly affect them, why give a shit?

    I am sure Letterman would not be laughing if I did a skit during one of my concerts, making fun of his mother if she died.

    This isn't the first time I've witnessed this kind of shit in the mainstream corporate entertainment industry/media in recent years. I refuse to listen to, or watch, sports talk host/major league asshole Jim Rome, and have for years. Why? The guy has sat there on the air, reading and telling jokes about athletes right after they've died (Joe DiMaggio comes immediately to mind).

    It makes me sick to see how heartless this society has become, and that assholes like Jim Rome and David Letterman feel the need to stoke the flames of cruelty and nastiness.

    Some things are funny. Stupid pet tricks are funny. Rome calling John Elway "Mr. Ed" because of his teeth is funny. Me going on Letterman and swearing 14 times is hilarious...

    Death, however, is not funny.

    David Letterman, you are a sick fuck.

    Incidentally, Jim Rome, you are a sick fuck, too.

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    Thursday, July 21, 2005
     
    Godspeed, Mr. Scott
    This evening, I woke up to some unfortunate news. News I had expected for some time, but expecting it doesn't take away any of the pain or sadness.

    This morning, James Montgomery Doohan, best known to millions as Star Trek's Montgomery Scott, passed away from pneumonia and complications of Alzheimer's at the age of 85.

    Doohan had been battling a series of health problems in recent years - Parkinson's disease, lung fibrosis and diabetes. Early in 2004, he was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, and looked weak and frail in his final public appearance, when he received a star on the Hollywood Walk Of Fame on August 31.

    Doohan, who made his first appearance on television in 1952 and acted for half a century, of course would be forever known as Montgomery Scott, the chief engineer of Captain Kirk's Enterprise in the original Star Trek, and the first seven motion pictures. He would also reprise the role in an episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation, in October of 1992.

    Scotty was not only one of the most beloved characters in nearly 40 years (and five series) of Star Trek, but one of the most influential. Many young people were inspired by Scotty to get into engineering themselves, and the Milwaukee School Of Engineering awarded Doohan with an honorary degree in 1992 due to his influence.

    Even though millions of people throughout the years heard Doohan speak in a Scottish brogue, the man behind Scotty was actually a Canadian with a gift for speaking in multiple accents.

    James Montgomery Doohan was born in Vancouver, British Columbia, on March 3, 1920. After a rough childhood of dealing with a "drunk" father who made life "miserable" for his family, Doohan escaped at the age of 19, joining the Canadian army.

    It was during his stint in the military that Doohan would not only have his life saved by his smoking habit (which he quit sometime in the 70's or early 80's), but would lose a finger.

    During a skirmish, Doohan took a bullet to the heart. Everyone - including Doohan himself - expect to see blood and for him to lose his life. However, in the heat of battle, Doohan forgot that he had a silver cigarette case in his breast pocket. He removed the case, with the bullet lodged into it, stopped from ever reaching him.

    He wouldn't quite be so lucky on D-Day, however. He took six bullets to his right middle finger, and was told by doctors there wasn't much that could be done. He would either spend the rest of his life with that finger sticking straight up - he quipped in his autobiography that he would've gone through life accidently giving people the finger - or they could just remove it. He decided to have his finger amputated. And, if you'll notice on Star Trek, he would usually keep his right hand hidden so that it was difficult to notice his missing finger - even reaching across and hitting the intercom on the captain's chair with his left hand.

    As well as his television work, Doohan spent several years on the radio, allowing his to showcase his vocal talents.

    In 1965, Doohan would audition for the role as the chief engineer in Gene Roddenberry's second pilot for Star Trek. He read the lines with seven different accents, and was asked by the producers which he preferred. Doohan felt if he was to be an engineer, it would only be fitting to be a Scotsman, and the Montgomery Scott we all knew and loved was born.

    Scotty would become one of the most loved characters in the series, despite the raging ego of star William Shatner at the time, who routinely stole lines from the "other four" characters (Scotty, Sulu, Chekov and Uhura). The feud between Shatner and Doohan simmered for decades, with Doohan even once saying "I like Captain Kirk, but I sure don't like Bill. He's so insecure that all he can think about is himself."

    Shatner would finally be woken up to how his co-stars felt in 1995, while writing Star Trek Movie Memories, when during an interview with Nichelle Nichols (Uhura), Nichols conluded discussing his fond memories by looking Shatner in the eye and telling him "Now, let me tell you why I hate you." Nichols then gave Shatner an ear-full about how she and the rest of the "other four" felt, which prompted Shatner to wake up and set about making things right with his former co-stars.

    There was a great deal of resentment from James Doohan, that took many years to tear away. However, I did hear in late 2004 that Shatner and Doohan finally made up sometime that year. You have no idea how relieved I was to hear that - for both of their sakes. Shatner carried a great deal of grief for unresolved hostilities between himself and Gene Roddenberry at the time of Gene's death in 1991, and I'm glad James Doohan finally buried the hatchet before that damned disease took it's toll and it was too late.

    In 1973, four years after the cancellation of Star Trek, Doohan complained to his dentist that he had been typecasted as Engineer Scott. His dentist told him "Jimmy, you're going to be Scotty long after you're dead. If I were you, I'd go with the flow."

    Doohan would do so, not only appearing in the first seven Star Trek films, but becoming a regular at Star Trek conventions, which only added to the popularity of his character.

    "I took his advice, and since then everything's been just lovely.", Doohan said of his dentist's advice.

    Ironically, the popular phrase he inspired, "Beam me up, Scotty", was actually never uttered in a single episode of Star Trek.

    I first became a Trekkie (I am not a Trekker) in 1986, at the age of 11. I routinely watched the reruns every night on channel 13, which was independently-owned KCOP back then. At first, I was into the action - Kirk and his flying leg kicks, battles between the Enterprise and Romulans. However, as I matured, I saw the deeper meaning of the show, and the messages Gene Roddenberry delivered through science fiction. The show wasn't just about the heroics of James T. Kirk, or the sarcastic charm of Bones McCoy, but a statement about the world (at least of the 1960's). Racism, religion, Vietnam and the Cold War were among the many issues Roddenberry spoke out about, disguised as a science-fiction action series. And while it was the action that brought me to the series, it was it's statements that helped make it one of my all-time favorite shows.

    While I also enjoy The Next Generation, I never got into any of the other spin-offs. Likely, because Roddenberry had passed on and what made the first two series (especially the original from the 60's) so special was missing.

    I always loved Scotty, though I wish we had gotten to see and know more of him. Thanks to being fourth in billing and Shatner's uncontrollable ego at the time, all we truly saw of Scotty was that he loved warp engines and alcohol. It was a shame we couldn't see more depth to him, as we saw with the "big three", or with all of the key characters in TNG.

    When I first heard the news that Doohan had Alzheimer's, I was heartbroken. My grandfather, who I loved very dearly, was diagnozed with Alzheimer's in 1992, and died from complications in 1997. He had just turned 78, and was pretty much gone. He wondered where his brother was, who had died in the 1920's. He thought his wife of 56 years (my grandmother) was his sister when she died (April 1997). When he was being driven to a nursing home after my grandmother's death, he kept asking my aunt and uncle if it was okay with his mother. This was a man who had served in three years, gave 28 years of his life to the Air Force (I don't want to get into a debate or rant about the military, but I do respect the veterans but I can't stand how they are used by the government, and my grandfather is a huge reason WHY I respect the veterans of this country). He knew Chuck Yeager, he had so many remarkable stories and memories about life, history, baseball and golf (and yes, he is one of the reasons I love golf so much). And all of that was stripped from him in his later years.

    So, it goes without saying how much it hurt to hear that James Doohan was facing this damned disease as well. Damn that disease, as Tom Watson said of ALS. It is my hope that a cure is found for it as soon as possible.

    I am saddened that James Doohan and everyone's favorite chief engineer has passed on. But I am relieved he is no longer suffering, and I hope he is back among the stars.

    My condolences to James's wife Wende, his children, his family, and all Star Trek fans.

    Rest in peace, James Doohan. Godspeed, Montgomery Scott.

    (Edit: For all you James Doohan/Scotty fans reading, startrek.com has put together a great six minute tribute clip, called "The Wit And Wisdom Of Montgomery Scott". It includes many classic quotes and scenes of Scotty, not only in the original series, but the films. Great work!

    Clich here and click on the first link on your left to watch it.)

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    Saturday, July 16, 2005
     
    Bad Songs Say So Much (but are we listening?)
    As some of you know, I am not much of a fan of current music, for a long list of reasons - bad singing, bad writing, artists who go through the motions with the passion of a five dollar hooker, just waiting for their huge paycheck.

    And, another reason is in recent years - much like the movie industry - music has become remake city. Why bother wasting the time and energy to come up with something unique or special when you can just take someone else's hit and re-record it?

    And, with that, I'd like to "spotlight" on a couple of recent remakes that made my stomach turn...

    And, we'll start with Big & Rich. They are a country duo that consists of John Rich and Kenny Alphin. Big & Rich are a member of the "Muzik Mafia", a group of country artists who have united to keep country "traditional" and focus on freedom of expression.

    Big & Rich seem to have an interesting idea of expressing themselves... And seem to have an interesting idea on what song they should remake.

    Apparently, they thought it would sound good if they took a certain hit song from 1984, originally recorded by a certain controversial pop star, and made famous by a certain controversial MTV Video Awards performance in September of 1984, with said artist rolling around on stage in a wedding dress with a "Boy Toy" belt buckle (gee, who could THAT be?!).

    That's right - if you've ever wanted to hear a slow, twangy, country version of "Like A Virgin" performed by a male duet, well, wait no longer! Big & Rich delivers...

    Unfortunately, that delivery is about as pleasing as the answer to what Brown can do for you. While I am not totally anti-country nor closed-minded to it, I was not impressed in the least.

    Big & Rich, PLEASE stick to what you normally do, and leave my music alone.

    Oh my God! Kenny killed... me! You bastard!

    Not wanting to be outdone, Jessica "Is Chicken Of The Sea tuna or chicken?" Simpleson - err, I mean, Simpson decided to add her own crappy remake.

    The least talented and dumbest person in professional music (I am convinced she's lower than Britney Spears at this point), who already has gotten far more attention that she deserves lately (thanks to a crappy movie remake, of course), decided to not only remake a 60's classic, but totally twist the meaning of it.

    As not only a fan of 60's rock and pop, but as a major boot slut (See? I admit it!), how can I not love Nancy Sinatra's "These Boots Are Made For Walkin'"? However, that sure as hell is NOT how I feel about Jessica's pathetic remake...

    The song was a tough, feminist, take no shit song. It is NOT a cutesy, come-hither, sex kitten song. However, Jessica, who doesn't know the difference between chicken and tuna, doesn't seem to get that either, because that is exactly how she butchered this classic song.

    Needless to say, I am not impressed. In fact, the only thing I'm not sure of which song I'm least impressed with - Big & Rich's "Like A Ripoff", or Jessica's "These Brains Weren't Made For Walkin'". I just know I am tired of hearing crappy, pathetic, poorly performed remakes - and there have been far too many over the years.

    I am not totally anti-remake, mind you. I have heard artists who have done very good remakes. Sherrie Austin's cover of "Jolene" was great. My cover of "Imagine" was awesome (but I can't say the same for "American Pie"). There are many other examples: Van Halen's "You Really Got Me", Soft Cell's "Tainted Love", and a long list of others.

    But, the more recent remakes seem to be crap. Maybe it's because you have artists going so far to put their own spin on the song that it totally trashes the original, or maybe it's just today's industry of crappy, passionless artists who merely see the remake as a chance to get a quicky hit and more money - since, after all, that's all today's artists seem to give a damn about.

    However, I would like to end this with the song universially considered to be the worst remake ever - and in the opinion of some people may even be the WORST song ever. However, I'm not sure I'll agree. Let's just call it, uhh, a 79 on the (from 1 to 10) scale of unintentional comedy...

    The recipe for this comic classic:

    One legendary starship captain
    One Beatles' classic
    Liberal amounts of Lysergic Acid Diethylamide
    Talentless female backup singers

    Combime captain, lyrics to Beatles song and backup singers in one recording studio, add LSD, turn on microphone and let the insanity begin.

    Once finished, press recording onto LP, release. Watch album go quickly out of print. Watch song become a cult classic and be heavily traded on the Internet 30 years later.

    The result of this recipe? I'm sorry, but this just can't be put into words, no matter how I try. My advice is to click here and experience this for yourself...

    (WARNING! I am not responsible for any psychological trauma, nor uncontrollable urge to repeatedly listen and laugh. Listen at your own risk!)

    If you haven't heard this song before, do so. I can guarantee you that you have never heard anything like this in your life. And if you have heard it? Listen again.. And again.. And again. Shatner is the gift that keeps on giving!

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    Thursday, July 14, 2005
     
    The Power Of Goodbye
    Yesterday, we got together and said goodbye to Doris, in an afternoon filled with emotion.

    Eric picked me up just after noon, even though the services were supposed to begin around two. We had no idea if the freeways would be a nightmare, and decided better safe than sorry...

    We arrived 75 minutes early.

    We decided to get some lunch, but not before taking a look around Mountain View Cemetary (where Doris was laid to rest) for the most famous grave on the grounds.

    After about ten minutes of driving around, we finally found it. Marked by a large, white monument, with the last name RHOADS at the top, with music notes and guitars engraved into it, and the caption "An inspiration to all young people." under his year of birth (1956) and death (1982). Both sides were covered in lipstick prints.

    Eric and I pulled over, looked it over, and paid our respects to Randall William Rhoads, the amazing guitarist whose life was cut short at the all-too-young age of 25.

    (For more pictures of Randy's grave, go here.)

    We got back to the cemetary at around 1:40 after grabbing lunch, and met up with his uncle Tim. It was boiling hot outside (according to Tim, 105 degrees), which prompted a relative to make the joke "It's only fitting we're laying her to rest when it's so hot - she used to get angry all the time when she wanted one of us to go somewhere with her, and we weren't up early enough for her to avoid the heat!".

    We all headed inside and waited for the rest to show up, and the small service began shortly after two.

    A number of photographs were laid out on a table around her "urn" (an old, ceramic flour jar she was always so fond of), and a few nicknacks that would be left with her (her old "Love me, I'm an Aries" heart-shaped keychain she had forever, a button that said "Divorce is better than murder", and a photograph of Dick Dale personally autographed to her among them).

    Tim started off by saying a few things, and asked if any of us wanted to say anything, and there were some things I had wanted to say (How grateful and lucky I was to have known her, how grateful I was for her love and support over the years, how she was more like a grandmother than just a friend), but when nobody else had anything they wanted to say, I felt funny about wanting to take the floor.

    He read a very touching poem (titled "The Clock Of Life", I believe), then Blaine (I hope I am spelling that right) - her first grandchild, who turns 30 today, said a prayer.

    We then placed everything with her (which took some arranging). She knew I was a very passionate music fan (especially of Sherrie Austin), so I left her an autographed copy of one of her CD's (which I felt was also fitting, since her most recent album was titled Streets Of Heaven).

    There was some laughter, and tears, throughout the brief service. I became choked up myself, but Eric became very emotional during the poem. I put my arm around him and did what I could to be strong. I felt it was only right - he has been a rock of stability and support in my life all these years, and I felt right there I needed to be his rock. I am glad I was able to do so for him.

    We then headed to Blaine's for snacks and to talk. Tim read over her job history and income report from Social Security, and some memories were shared. Later on, Bill (Blaine's husband), Tim, Eric and I had some very interesting discussions about baseball history and radio history (Tim was a DJ for the Army in Vietnam).

    I was definitely very honored to be welcome to pay my respects to Doris, and to meet the "family". They are truly some interesting people who had some interesting stories, and I hope to hear more from them in the future (especially Tim).

    Thank you again, Doris. For not only what you shared in our time together in life, but for bringing your family into my life as well.

    (On a lighter note, I will be posting up a rather amusing column about bad music - three songs in particular - in the next day or so. With Doris's passing, and the Jack Nicklaus era about to come to a close, I definitely need to do something to lighten things up in my life a bit.)

    Thank you to everyone out there who offered their condolences in this last week.

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    Friday, July 08, 2005
     
    A loss in the "family"
    Any of you who have read this blog on a regular basis have seen me occasional mention or discuss my friend Eric. I've known him for fifteen years now, and he's more like a brother than a friend. He is definitely one of the coolest, and most loyal, people I've ever met.

    So, you can imagine it broke my heart this morning when he called me around 7:30 am with some very unfortunate news.

    This morning, around 4:00 am, his grandmother Doris passed away at the age of 80.

    I've become very close with his family (his mother, his two brothers, and his grandmother) over the last fifteen years - to the point where they all feel more like extended family than friends, and that includes his grandmother. Doris had always been a compassionate and supportive person in my life - one that I regret not spending more time with in recent years.

    While she could be tough and feisty, she had a huge heart, and never hesitated to go out of her way to be supportive and helpful to those around her. On more than one occasion, she would do something caring and helpful for a relative just a day or two after getting into a heated argument with them.

    Not only am I grateful for the love and support she had shown me over the years, but I'm especially grateful for all she had done for Eric and his immediate family. The fact they were able to move out here, and make it, was in large part due to her assistance over the years.

    She truly was a very special person. I had known she was struggling with her health in recent years, but had no idea how bad things had gotten. Had I known, I definitely would've gone out to see her before it was too late.

    While I am deeply saddened that she is gone, there is some relief knowing she isn't hurting anymore. And while I'll definitely miss her, I am honored and blessed to have known her.

    Rest in peace, Doris.

    And, Eric, if you need me, you know where to reach me. I'm here for you.

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