Once again, let me start off with sending hopes and wishes of a quick recovery to the New Orleans region, and everyone affected by Katrina. Despite the fact I haven't said much the last couple of weeks, my thoughts have been with all of you.

I'd also like to thank Libby for taking a rare dive into politics to touch on the government response and handling to this disaster. My thoughts and feelings echo hers, and if I had the energy or patience to jump into the fire right now, I would've. However, at this time, I have a far more serious matter on my hands - one of life and death.

Right now, I am going through an unbelievable nightmare, a situation that is absolutely heartbreaking to watch and one I am powerless over, involving the health of a relative.

In early August, my father was diagnosed with Posterior Vitreous Detachment, and possibly facing the loss of his left eye. Little did I think that would become the least of his (or my) concerns so quickly.

Concerned about a lack of concentration, memory problems and outlandish actions (such as accidently brushing his teeth with shaving cream, and it not dawning on him after the aftertaste drove him nuts for 15 minutes), he went to have some more tests done. Among them: bloodwork, a CT scan and an MRI.

Because he couldn't get the MRI done until the day before the 1st (when he was scheduled to see his doctor to discuss ALL the test results), thanks to those corporate vampires at Signa dicking him around on paying for the MRI, we don't know all the details yet. We do have some facts, and some speculation, and both are pretty fucking frightening...

What we do know is this: He is suffering from Dementia, and having problems with his short-term memory. Not only things like forgetting the names of co-workers he's been working with for three years, but now even forgetting phone calls that just happened (my grandmother tried to call him over the weekend, then called and asked if I'd spoken to him. When I called him to suggest he get in touch with her, he insisted "She hasn't tried to call me!").

We won't know anything for sure until he finds out what the MRI showed, which will be the 29th. Why the doctor didn't schedule an appoint between now and the pre-scheduled one of the 29th is beyond me. And, despite the fact doctors usually don't discuss this kind of stuff over the phone, you would think under the circumstances that if there was nothing serious, the doctor would've said so to try to ease his fears.

Of course, here's the ugly reality: Dementia is rarely a seperate disease, but typically caused by a far more serious disease.

Based upon what evidence they do have, combined with his sypmtoms, his doctor is almost certain my father has Alzheimer's.

My father has already made the decision to go on as long as he can function, then take his own life, choosing not to go out the way my grandfather did. He does not "want everyone to forget about me and leave me rotting in a nursing home", and I don't blame him. I sure wouldn't want to go out like that, either. All I've asked of him is to tell me before he does it, so for the first time in my life I can actually say goodbye to someone before they go and die on me.

I'm so emotionally sickened and devistated it's beyond words. Not only to have already lost a loved one to this terrible disease, but to face losing both parents under ugly circumstances (with my mother being murdered). Everyone has to die, yes, but I know it'd hurt less if he just crashed his car than something like this.

Making matters worse is his eye is worse now than it was a month ago. They performed emergency laser surgery on the first, hoping to repair and stabilize his retina. They had hoped at the time there was a 99% chance of success. However, less than a week later, it's gotten progressively worse, and now it's likely a matter of time before he goes blind in that eye.

When it rains, it pours...

I'm not holding up very well at all. I've gotten into a couple of very nasty brawls on forums this month already, with my patience worn thin and in little mood to be insulted or treated like shit. After both of them, I've honestly thought maybe I'd be happier if I threw my modem away, or even went to sleep and never woke up.

I'm not very happy right now. I feel scared, alone, and quite frankly, worthless. I'm hurting very badly right now, and I don't know if or when the hurt is going to go away.

Not only the reality I'm likely to lose my father in the next few years, but a feeling there is hardly anybody in my life. I come online and instead of feeling like I'm "connecting" to people or bringing new people into my life, I feel even more isolated and unaccepted. There are days where I feel like not only I'd be happier without the Internet, but people would be happier without me.

I don't even know how to handle things. Do I want to reach out (and risk being unwanted), or just hide? I don't know. All I know is I feel like I'm basically about to have no family at all real soon, and I wonder if there is even a place for me anymore.

I'm a mess, and I admit it. It's hard to explain unless it's something you dealt with (and I don't wish this on anyone!). Because if it is indeed Alzheimer's, it's not a diagnosis... It's a death sentence. For all our 21st century technology, there still isn't a damned thing we can do about this!

And the less I don't know how to cope with his health problems or my feelings, the less I know how to cope with my feelings on anything else, or what to do anymore.

I wish I could wave a magic wand and get rid of this disease. I wish he wasn't in such poor health. I wish I hadn't have had such a shitty relationship with him over the last 30 years.

And, sometimes, as stupid as it sounds, I wish I could just build a time machine and go back to the early 80's. No Alzheimer's, my mother still alive, my parents yet to even divorce for the first time.

That, however, is a dream.. Instead, I'm likely facing one of the worst nightmares of my life, one that is out of everyone's control.

Growing up, I had attended a few AA meetings with my mother, and they ended each meeting by reciting the Serenity Prayer. "The strength to accept the things I cannot change"? I don't know how you accept something like this. I don't know if there is any amount of strength in the world to accept it. I just wish I could change it, but I can't...

The older I get, the less I know - about everything. And right now, I'm not sure I know or understand much of anything anymore...

I just know I want the pain and suffering - not only mine, but of my loved ones - to go away.

Labels: Katrina, Mi Vida Loca