And, now for some more badly needed laughs...

"Now, before we proceed. Stephen, I want you to know the item up for bids will eventually end up right over there. Now don't you take your eye off that! We'll take care of getting another contestant, you just keep looking at that!" - Bob, trying to keep Stephen focused

"Stephen, are you listening!?" - Bob, as he placed the bag on the Balance Game scale a second time just to hear the sound again

"Have you ever considered getting a job?" - Bob, after Lindsay told him he spends most of his time snowboarding (it was later revealed that Lindsay is a snowboarding instructor)

"You want me to kiss you? We have a group of LA elementry school teachers here, and during the last commercial break, one of them stood up and said 'I want to give you a kiss, Bob!' So, one of them gets called, and the first thing she says when reaches contestant row is 'I want to give you a kiss, Bob!' What's wrong with these teachers? I think we have some desperate teachers here today!" - Bob, after Victoria was called

"Ransom... Ransom... I don't even want to stand next to a guy that size who can't get the wheel all the way around. That's disgusting!" - Bob, after Ransom (who looked to be about 6'3" and 280 pounds) didn't get the wheel all the way around

"Now that's an heirloom. I want you all to take a look at this shirt. This picture on her shirt was the very first one of me taken when I started hosting Truth Or Consequences. That was taken before I'd even done the show. It was a publicity thing... I was so cute back then! That one was taken a little later..." - Bob, on Brenda's "Now... Or Then" shirt (The "then" picture was from 1956, the "now" was a recent one)

"Uhhh.. I think we shall proceed!" - Bob, after Irene kissed him and starting rambling

"He may not have gotten the wheel all the way around, but Ransom is the top winner in today's showcase!" - Bob, before the start of the day's showcases

"Are you listening to me? I'm making a speech, and you're clear over there, looking at the audience!" - Bob, on Veronica not paying attention as he explained the rules to Any Number

"Okay, now you can look at the audience!" - Bob, after he finished explaining the rules to Veronica

"Hurry up, Cleta. Get up here, or I'll proceed without you!" - Bob, losing his patience

"We prefer 'least expensive'!" - Bob, after Cleta repeated the rules for Step Up, using the word "cheapest"

"Well, you could've won the whole thing... Go have a talk with Lee!" - Bob, after Cleta ignored Lee's advice and stopped (had she followed his advice, she would've won everything)

"Lee and Cleta have been married for 41 years, and Lee? Cleta has asked me to tell you it's all over!" - Bob, worried that a pricing game could break them up before reaching 42 years

"Well, it's a big wheel, and you're just a little girl!" - Bob, on Vicki's concerns about getting the wheel all the way around

"And she's doing a jumping spin... That's a good way for a little girl to lose a tooth!" - Bob, a bit worried about Vicki's spinning style

"You're Lynnsey, you know that?" - Bob, after Lindsey moved her hair so it no longer obscured her nametag

"Well, if you're going to miss, miss them all!" - Bob, after Christopher got all three prices wrong on Make Your Move

"No.. No... Uh, uhhh uhhh... This can be a confusing game!" - Bob, standing there flipping the panels back and forth on Flip Flop

"Boy, she left in a hurry. The iron woman left me up here alone in a hurry!" - Bob, on Gina's quick departure after she lost Flip Flop

"Bob can't help!" - Bob, after Christopher yelled "Come on, Bob!" after he spun the wheel

"It was a real pleasure to meet you, now get down to Contestant's Row where you belong!" - Bob, after Theresa was picked, and headed right for the stage

"Theresa was right, she belongs up on this stage. She knew that. She tried to come up here in the first place, but I threw her out. Theresa, you knew you belonged up on this stage all the time. Welcome back!" - Bob, after Theresa won the one-bid and got up on stage after all

"She's trying to pick the lock to the car!" - Bob, after Myrtle started patting her hands against the lock for the car in Master Key

"It is showcase time on The Price Is Right. And I want the two of you to know after what we've been through in the last hour, a double overbid is unacceptable!" - Bob, on Thursday's 0 for 6 performance

"Lina, Leila, Lisa. How did you get in here, Warren?!" - Bob, more than a bit amused by the show's first four contestants

Bob: "John, have you been watching The Price Is Right for awhile?"
John: "Many years."
Bob: "What do contestants do when Rich calls your name?"
John: "Well they go and... OHH!!" *John heads back to Contestant's Row*
Rich: "Yeah!"
- Bob, on yet another contestant who thinks "Come on down!" means "Come right up to the stage!"

Thank goodness for all those laughs, in a week where more pricing games were lost than won, and we ended the last two shows with double overbids in the showcases...

The Barkerism Of The Week:

"Now, wait. I think we are missing a very important conversation. Did you not turn to him and ask him what you were bidding on? Did you not see the boat? Did you not hear Rich describe it? How long have you been in this condition? Is there a doctor in the house? Well, there's one. Dr. Ralph, how would you diagnose his condition? Hopeless, he said!" - Bob, after Stephen took forever to bid and appeared to be quite lost

Labels: Barker Worship

Maddy has a couple of things to bring up. One of which is happy, happy news. The other isn't so happy happy or joy joy, and honestly makes me stomach turn to think about, but it needs to be said.

I'll start with the bad news, and get that out of the way, so at least this post doesn't end with bad vibes. It's time for Maddy to get serious, everyone...

A blogger has been arrested for identity theft.

And who's identity are they accused of stealing? Madonna's.

No, before your stomachs wind up in your throat, it's not me. But I had talked to the person, I'd regularly read the blog in question, and I feel sick to my stomach.

As some of you will recall, in December I posted that at long last I'd encountered "Madonna", and laughed it up. It was obvious to anyone who paid attention that "Madonna" at that other blog was not the real Madonna, but I was amused that someone else out there would be inspired to write a blog, claiming to be Madonna as a spoof.

The problem is it went beyond a spoof. "Madge" (as her friend is calling her) crossed two very serious lines. These are lines I've known of since ***2, when I fought back against the cyberterrorists on chandralevy.com as Marty McSorley (thanks to Sydney, owner of NETHOLLYWOOD, who owned chandralevy.com).

1. Always, always make it clear it's satire
2. Never, EVER make money off of it.

As a result, my Marty posts had the disclaimer "I am not the real Marty McSorley, I only play him on chandralevy.com!" I never wanted to mislead people into thinking I was really Marty McSorley, it was about portraying an image: I am the enforcer. If you fuck with my "teammates", I'll whack you over the head with my stick!

Of course, two years later, I was at it again, this time as "Madonna". Now, here's the truth (though I think everyone reading this blog knows this): I am not Madonna Louise Ciccone (or Ritchie). I am big fan of hers, though I will openly admit I am amused by some of her antics and statements. I am playing that I am the "new Madonna" (more like the old Madonna, as I spoof Madonna's past images), not that I am THE Madonna - after all, Madonna wants to feed off the energy of a new name, so I figured I'd try it too!

I am really Deborah Gibson (no, not THE Deborah Gibson, but yes, my name really is Deborah Gibson), and I do this for laughs, not to mislead people. While I occasionally refer to myself as "Maddy", "Madge", "Madonna" and "The Material Girl" in posts, I also clearly talk about THE Madonna as a seperate person, because she is indeed a seperate person. What you are reading is satire. Madonna Ciccone (or Ritchie) does not live in California, does not smoke anymore, tries to make people forget about her old image, and I highly doubt she is infatuated with The Price Is Right and Bob Barker.

Or, to put it more directly, in the words of the disclaimer that has been on the biography page since day one (and will be here as long as this site exists):

I am not really Madonna. This is all meant in good, clean, campy fun. If Madonna can reinvent herself as "Esther", then why the fuck can't I reinvent myself as Madonna!

And, as much as it's about humor, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. I do admire Madonna, even though I don't always agree with her (then again, I didn't always agree with my mother, either). This is about flattery and fun, not misleading or trickery.

Furthermore, I decided even before the launch of this site that if I ever found myself in a position where this site cost me money (Blogger is free, and a friend has donated the webspace and bandwidth) that I would pay all expenses. No sponsorship, no banners, nothing that would bring in even a cent... That is a can of worms I have no intention to open - now or ever.

Of course, not everyone has seemed to come across that disclaimer. Last year, after I blasted "Little Debbie Gibson" for posing in Playboy, one of her fans found the post, and posted it to the DGIF (Debbie Gibson International Fan Club) message board. Quite a few people were trying to figure out if I was really Madonna. No, I am not. And no, I am not a member of the fan club, but I do have a source who told me about the debate...

I bring this up now because M (who runs the other blog) is in a world of hot water.

M went out of her way to paint the picture of really being Madonna, and managed to fool a few people. Not only did too many of them attempt to contact the real Madonna, but a number of pissed off Mariah Carey fans contacted her management, wondering why "Madonna" is sitting on the Internet, bashing "Mooriah Scarey" and posting doctored pictures that make her look extremely obese.

The damage to her reputation isn't the worst of it, though... It would appear that M profited to the tune of over $953 through an online store (selling things like Vogue coffee mugs and "Horses are hateful!" T-Shirts), and sponsorships for her site.

On one hand, I feel terrible for M. I don't think she quite understood what she was doing, and how much trouble it could get her into. I don't believe she intended to demean Madonna or commit a crime. I think she did it for fun, and went too far. I am truly sorry to see the trouble she is in, and I hope a resolution can be reached that keeps her out of serious trouble (restitution and probation?) to the satisfaction of all parties involved.

On the other hand, she did two things I knew were a no-no: She went out of her way to portray an image that she was the real Madonna, and she did profit from it. When you do that, you start flirting with the line between satire and fraud, and sadly, that appears to now be the case.

I do feel a bit of guilt. As I said, we had exchanged email, and I had seriously considered warning M to post a disclaimer and yank the sponsorships/store. The reason I didn't? I wasn't sure she would listen. She was so hell-bent on maintaining the image (at least publicly) that I think she would've blown it off. I still should've tried. I didn't want to see anyone get hurt: Not M, and not Madonna.

After all, I'd sworn two years ago that if I ever felt this site in any way harmed Madonna, I'd kill it faster than you can say "You bastards!" (you know, as in "Oh my God! They killed Kenny!"). I'm here for laughs, not grief.

On one hand, I feel M's pain. She did something for entertainment, made two costly mistakes, and is facing legal trouble as a result.

On the other hand, I can understand Madonna's position. Here's someone who misled people (intentionally or not) and pocketed money. It may be $953, but the next person could be to the tune of $95,300... Or $953,000. It's a scary position, and while I consider myself more generous and tolerant than most people, I too would be very upset if someone profitted off me without permission.

I repeat, all I can do is hope something is worked out to spare everyone any further grief and misery.

It's sad, so sad
It's a sad, sad situation
And it's getting more and more absurd

A real shame, for everyone. :(

On a lighter note, at least Maddy got some good news today, courtesy of logikreader (a poster on the golden-road.net forums):

logikreader attended Monday's early taping of The Price Is Right, and was there to hear The Man give such good news it had the crowd on their feet, cheering insanely.

Bob Barker, whose five year contract expires in June, has signed a NEW five year contract to continue hosting TPIR! This contract is structured like the last one: Bob can opt out each December, then finish out that year and call it a career.

However, the last time he signed a five year deal, I shook my head. I couldn't see Bob going to 82. I figured he'd get to 80, and retire. But he shocked Mike and I once (going the whole five years), so I wouldn't be that shocked to see five more years from the WGMC (World's Greatest MC, a title given to him by the late Mark Goodson).

You know what this means, of course... More trips to the Bob Barker Studio! More fun! More the price is right, bitch!

The Bob is still right!

Labels: Barker Worship, Grand Theft Barker, Mi Vida Loca, Reinvention

Welcome to the longest set of Barkerisms in history, thanks to not only six shows this week, but a few classic clips aired during the MDS, in-studio Barkerisms, and even an in-print Barkerism.

Now, some of you may be wondering why we do this here? Why? Why the fuck not?! After all, this is MY site, and the only standards I care to meet are my own. As the queen of Barkerisms (and THIS site), this is something I enjoy posting, and I started this site for my enjoyment. Period. While I try to create posts that people might ENJOY, ultimately I post here for my enjoyment, not to conform to the standards of others.

Or, to quote a very wise woman from Michigan.. I'm not your bitch, don't hang your shit on me.

Got it? Got it. Good.

Now that THAT'S settled, here comes this week's long, record-setting Barkerisms!

"You're a tight end, are you? Well, there are days where I work with tight cameramen!" - Bob, teasing Joseph about his position on the football team

"Why are you all groaning? You told him to do that!"
(Audience groans "No!")
"My friend Rosny told me to stop there!"
"Where's Rosny?... You're the only person who's happy about this!"
- Bob, after Rosny gave Joseph horrible advice on Freeze Frame

"Now, Sheila, I want to be completely frank with you. You frighten the daylights out of me! I'm old, and I'm brittle! And I don't know if you're a dancer, or a karate fighter, with the way you came down here... But whatever it is, don't you hurt me while you're here!" - Bob, after the World's Most Dangerous Nurse got called down!

"Who's that group you're with?"
"Tastefully Simple. Those are my Taste Buds. Taste Buds love you!"
"Well, that is rather kind of you."
"Can I kiss you?"
"Since you love me, of course you may!"
- Bob, pleased to know Anita loves him (I think Anita loves everyone!)

"No, don't go that way, go this way. Unless you have something else in mind..." - Bob, after Anita starting walking the wrong direction

"I just noticed Roger's shirt. Roger's says 'Hey, Bob, I had my dog neutered in Marshfield, Wisconsin.' You didn't have to go to Marshfield, Wisconsin! They do that here, too!" - Bob, letting America know you can spay and neuter your pets everywhere!

"Now, listen! Naval officers are supposed to be able to make decisions, Nicole.. You know that?!" - Bob, after Nicole took forever to bid (GIVE YOUR BID! GIVE YOUR BID!)

"I have found out that Lt. junior grade Nicole is a hospital administrator in the Navy. Now, Sheila, would you like to join the Navy? I am sure she would be a very active nurse!" - Bob, trying to get Sheila as far away from him as possible!

"You are a nurse, aren't you? Let me see your credentials... No, no, that's alright!" - Bob, after Sheila reached into her pocket

"Sheila, I think I was the only one who saw that, but I want everyone to know. When she first came down to Contestant's Row, I said she looked dangerous. Well, Dominic beat her on that last bid, and as he turned to come up on stage, she slugged him! She slugged him in the back! She assaulted him!" - Bob, probably very thankful Sheila didn't make it up on stage!

"I personally would've preferred that you bid $27" - Bob, after Courtney bid $26, not wanting to go over

"What makes you think those people out there know more about this than you do?" - 1/2 Off

"I tell you, this is a vicious audience, you know that? They usually don't boo in this game!" - Bob, after James was booed for a second time in Dice Game for not rolling it over the line

"Now you booed him because he didn't get it over the line. So he tries to get you off his back, and accidentally does that... Leave him alone!" - Bob, after James rolled the die off the table

"Just based upon your reaction from winning your way up on stage, I fear your health could be in danger if you see the prize you can win!" - Bob, before showing Katelyn the first of three cars in Triple Play

"Did you see that? She thought I wanted to high-five her. I was trying to keep her from hitting me in the jaw!" - Bob, after Katelyn saw the first car

"Now, just one moment.. Get that oxygen ready back there!" - Bob, just before revealing the third car

"They better be right.. They've seen you in action!" - Bob, after the audience changed Katelyn's mind (and she lost as a result)

"And they will be perfect for Margaret! She lives in San Diego, and you know how much snow they down there!" - Bob, when Margaret had the chance to win two snowmobiles

"And will she be riding those through the streets of San Diego?!" Sadly, no - she picked the wrong price!

"Nicole looked up and me and said 'I need money!'. I've never had a contestant who didn't need money or need a car!" - Bob, as Nicole played Grand Game for $20,000

"Now don't push that button until you want to stop the range finder, because we can't start it again for 48 hours! I know on the daytime show it's 37 hours, but this is nighttime... Things take longer, you understand!" - Bob, giving the prime time twist to the old line about how long it takes to restart Range Game

"You know how to say it, too!" - Bob, after struggling to pronounce Evelia's name (A-vail-e-ah)

"Noooo.. Gazebos are much more precious than you realize!" - Bob, after Robert stopped the range finder too soon

"I'll meet you in the parking lot!" - Bob, after Betty whispered something in his ear

"Betty, I can see you on that offroad bike right now!". Betty is an older woman, looks to be about 70 or 75...

"Don't break our wheel after all these years!" - Bob, after Betty tried to spin the wheel by the number in front and not the handle on the side

"He's starting to come on down. No, he has to say goodbye to everyone. He's getting closer. No, he's still not done... You know, folks, I ought to give this guy my microphone. He has his own show going on down there!" - Bob, on Francis' trip to Contestant's Row

"You keep that up, and she's going to slug you, you know that?" - Bob, warning Jennifer to quit freezing out Susan

"Jennifer has escaped from danger down there in Contestant's Row!" - Bob, after Jennifer won her way up on stage

"You're Samoan? There's a Samoan on stage with me! Make sure you have security standing by. You know the stories about me with Samoan contestants, don't you? They pick me up and throw me in the air. One woman stood down in Contestant's Row and promised not to lay a hand on me. She comes right up on stage and picks me up over her head!" - Bob, upon finding out Koroseta is Samoan

"Here, you can take this check as a souvinier, which I'm sure you'll throw away first thing you leave!" - Bob, after Koroseta lost Check Game

"Spin the wheel, Koroseta... My friend from Samoa who has done me no bodily harm!" - Bob, grateful to know he'll live another day

"You couldn't ask for help from a better place!" - Bob, after Omolola begged god for her choice on Grand Game to be correct

"Rich, I have Jason. I have Jennifer. I have another Jennifer. I dare you to call a Jennifer!" - Bob, having fun over the fact there were two Jennifers in Contestant's Row

"Now, during that last commercial break, Shirley jumped to her feet and said I was the best dressed man on television. Now, immediately, her name gets called for her to be a contestant, which is just a little suspicious!" - Bob, on Shirley getting called on down

"Look at that, a natural Barker's Beauty! She did that even better than the first time!" - Bob, on his "new" Beauty... Tyra Banks

"Rather exciting time here, and rather romantic. Chason and Jennifer have been down together in Contestant's Row for so long that they're now engaged!" - Bob, on the two leftovers from the first four called down

"Jennifer just broke the engagement!" - Bob, after Chason outbid Jennifer by $1

"It would've been terrible if Chason had won his way up on stage after all that time, then broke his leg coming up the steps!" - Bob, after Chason tripped on his way up

"Spinning this wheel does not require as much stretching, Chason, as you seem to think!" - Bob, after Chason's elaborate stretching before spinning

More? How about these classic Barkerisms, featured in clips during Tuesday's Million Dollar Spectacular?

"Hello, Lilie. Now, I want you over here. Now, you want to stay up here and play a pricing game? How are you going to explain to these three people down here?!" - Bob, after Lilie was called on down - and went right to the stage. Her response? "Well, they're young, they'll understand!"

"It didn't go all the way around?! After 19 years, that is the most humiliating monent of my life on The Price Is Right!" - Bob, after he tried to help a little old lady get the wheel all the around and failed

"Would you like me to try it again?"
"I take back what I said a moment ago.. THAT is the most humiliating... Okay, you try it again, smart aleck!" - Bob, even more humiliated!

"I think.. I think.... I think I've been mugged!" - Bob, after a tiny woman won her way up on stage and nearly strangled him while hugging him

Still not enough? How about some in-studio Barkerisms?

"Nurses are supposed to help people. Have you ever hurt anyone? Please don't hurt me!" - Bob, during the commercial break after Sheila was called

"The network is complaining that we are over budget. They're always saying we're over budget. Of course, we don't pay for the budget anyway. And if we go over budget, we still don't pay - so we don't care! Besides, we want to see you guys win!". I hope the network smells what the Bob is cookin'!

"Bob, I have two questions for you, if that is okay?"
"No, you only get one question, see?" (Bob is holding up two fingers and laughing)
"How many kids do you have?"
"I have no kids... I got rid of them all!"
"Tomorrow I will be born. Will you be my father?"
"Sure!"
- Bob, about to become a father at 82

"You better have a large sum of money!" - Bob, after a woman celebrating her 21st birthday asked him to go bar-hopping with her

"Bob, take a look at my shirt!" (the woman was wearing a black shirt with a picture of Bob's face on it)
"Wow, that is great!"
"I wanted you to get a look at yourself. Will you sign it for me?"
"Absolutely not!"
- Bob, not wanting to sign his own face

"How do I become a Barker's Beauty?"
"Send your pictures to Fingers Greco... Then maybe you will be up here, modeling a new refrigerator!"
- Bob, to a woman who wanted to know how to become a Barker's Beautyi

And this week, we even got a Barkerism in print!

Forbes magaizine: You've been the host of The Price Is Right for 33 years. What have you learned about money from the show?
Bob: If you give a woman a car, you're gonna get kissed.

For the first time ever, a Richism!

"We have some crazy people here today. I can see the margaritas we gave out earlier in the day helped. Did anyone not get a margarita? Okay, see that page over there? Go talk to her!" - Rich, on the insane crowd present for the 1/26/06 taping

And, now, for this week's Barkerisms of the Week - yes, there are two!

This week's on-air Barkerism: "Awww, that picture.. I was so cute back then!" - Bob, on a picture of him (from the late 80's/early 90's on the back of Micky's shirt)

I did a great deal of debating about this second Barkerism. Why? Personal bias. I've heard Bob say many funny things over the years. There was, of course, "The price is right, bitch!", which gave birth to this feature. But this one has a very special place in my heart for one reason...

No matter how much longer Bob hosts TPIR, no matter if I ever become a contestant or not, I can die knowing I was part of a Barkerism!

Man in audience: "Bob, those are awesome pants!"
Bob: "You like my pants? How much do you bid on them?"
(Mike and I are sitting there, holding up one finger, as in one dollar. Bob accidentally calls on Mike, thinking he wants to ask a question)
Mike: "No, I was giving you my bid for your pants... One dollar!"
Bob: "Ohhh... Higher!"

Labels: Barker Worship, Bidding On Bob's Pants, Camp Barker

Before going into last week's Barkerisms, two things that'll be coming up this week:

1. Probably the longest Barkerism post in history, thanks to the fact we get SIX episodes this week (including a previously unaired Million Dollar Spectacular Tuesday night at 8 pm), not to mention the fact some of the off-camera Barkerisms will be included, as production 3531K aired yesterday (which, like 3475K, are the only two episodes in history to have Her Madgesty in attendence)

2. At some point in the next day or so, I'll type up my look back at the games themselves from Monday's episode (which, while we didn't have another $63,000 showcase, we did see both car games won and plenty of fun).

"You notice the applause was a little more enthusiastic than normal today? Must be the tie. You like the tie? Look at the cufflinks, they came with the tie. They were a gift from my friend Rich!" - Bob, on the enthusiastic greeting from the audience

"I don't want to embarass you, but those three bid faster than you did by yourself!" - Bob, on Heather taking forever to bid

"The nurse is back there, isn't she? I think she's cracking up!" - Bob, after Stacy was called on down and went nuts

"Yes, that's right everyone. AND IT'S STACY! WOOO HOOO! YEAH!!!! WOOO!!!!!!" - Bob, after Stacy got up on stage, pointed to Bob and screamed "IT'S BOB BARKER, EVERYONE!"

"And will you find me another Stacy, please?" - Bob, before the next item up for bids after Stacy's game

"Three years old, and watching The Price Is Right. Your twins are growing up the right way!" - Bob, giving his parenting seal of approval to Patty

"Now, ladies and gentlemen, you may think they didn't do so well. But just imagine how much worse they would've done without all that help!" - Bob, after Stacey and Glenda both went over on their showcases, despite help from relatives

"Arzie, you keep that up, and she's going to slug you any minute! She actually doubled-up her fist there for a second..." - Bob, warning Arzie to be careful after he bid $1,501 to Belinda's $1,500

"She's saying such sweet things that let's just go ahead and forget this game. Keep going!" - Bob, after Belinda won her way up on stage and kissed up to Bob

"This is an educational show, you see!" - Bob, after Rich explained what NewPhase suppliment was to Gloria

"Then that makes you a number one guy!" - Bob, after Kevin said his #1 reason for coming to California was to go to The Price Is Right

"I hate to do this, since you're a number one guy, but I need that last dollar!" - Bob, reminding Kevin that he needed the last dollar from Lucky Seven so Kevin can "buy" the car

"I just noticed this shirt, it says 'Vote for Pedro'. My first question was 'Who is Pedro?'. But I see where she crossed it out and wrote 'Bob'. Now you have a much better chance of winning your way up on stage!" - Bob, on Brenda's out of place "Vote For Pedro" shirt

"And the sad thing is when she's 60 she'll be saying 'My dad still pays for it!'" - Bob, after Kelli said her father pays for college, during his lead-up to 1/2 Off (where contestants play for $10,000)

"I know you feel sorry for poor Kelli, but remember: She still has ol' dad!" - Bob, after Kelli lost 1/2 Off (with a 50/50 chance to win)

"One of you has bid exactly right, and will get a $500 bid.. A $500 bill. $500 for your bid is what I'm trying to say. And I'll bet you it's not Brenda!" - Bob, pretty sure that navigation systems do not cost $1!

"I hope Fred enjoys this after I had so much trouble saying what it was!" - Bob, after turning "$500 bonus" into a tongue twister

"You better say hello to your dad!" - Bob, when Kelli wanted to say hello to some people while spinning the wheel, and didn't say hi to her father

"We're halfway through today's show, and I'd like to remind you that we still have Brenda, Suzanne, and Lindsay in Contestant's Row. I hope you don't think you're going to be paid scale for your appearances!" - Bob, giving the three "leftovers" the business!

"Those women are all Navy wives. And with them is one very worried looking sailor!" - Bob, hinting that things may not be so PG tonight!

And our (two-quote) Barkerism of the week?

"Now, I used to make an inspirational putt from way back here. But now it's just a putt.. I've fallen on bad times. Not very inspiring anymore!" - Bob, mourning his recent putting problems on Hole In One

Well, before the second quote, I have a special guest speaker who'd like to say a few things to our great host about his recent putting woes...

"You know what's driving me crazy? You, not getting the ball in the hole!" - Bob Barker, "Happy Gilmore"

"This guy sucks!" - Bob Barker, "Happy Gilmore"

"Alright.... Barker! Nice... And easy.... That was not nice and easy!"

"I can't believe you're a professional golfer. I think you should be working over at the snack bar. I can't believe that you're any worse at hockey than you are at golf!" - Bob Barker, "Happy Gilmore"

"You know, I've been having trouble with one foot, it's bothering me a lot. And my back is bothering me. This shoulder is bothering me a little bit... So if I don't make this putt, I want you to know I'm putting under duress!" - Bob, just before his inspirational putt... Which he made!

(By the way: Last Thursday's episode, where they played Hole In One, was taped two days before my second trip to see TPIR. A woman in the audience asked Bob how his golf game was doing, and Bob had said he finally made a putt the other day, and he hoped it was the start of a streak. So, I knew he would finally sink one - but the whole thing about putting under duress made it pricesless!)

Labels: Barker Worship

I'm going to say this here, and I'm not going to say it again. This is my final word on the matter.

From this point forward, I insist that I no longer be dragged into anymore controversy or bullshit concerning this forum, politics, allegiences, backstabbing, reputations, you name it. I'm finished.

Right now, I have far better things to worry about, including the probability I will have to move in with my father, otherwise a relative is prepared to have him thrown in a hospital - probably for the rest of his life.

Furthermore, I'm just plain tired of the bullshit. I crossed that line once on this site, and that was solely a matter of principle (ie. don't threaten me, then carry out the very action you threatened me not to do). I don't intend to do so again after this post.

From this point forward, do not drag me through the mud for your "reputation", do not take cheapshots at me, do not publicly state any missions where you plot out the future of my blog, and do not drag me into a war that you all know I want no part of (and one I haven't wanted any part of for YEARS!).

Most of you have been pretty good about this, but a few people feel the need to poke the turd. Well, I'm finished. I have bent over backwards to be a loyal friend to everyone involved, and not play politics (ie. Person A hates Person B, so I have to stay on Person A's good side and hate Person B, too). I have gone out of my way to treat everyone involved with as individuals, and have treated them with dignity - instead of playing the heel.

To those of you who have respected my feelings, thank you, and you have nothing to worry about.

For those of you who have felt the need to drag me into the middle of this with blatant disregard for the overwhelming, real life, SERIOUS matters I'm dealing with, I'm asking you now to stop. If you are incapable or unwilling to do so, then I am left with no choice but to state you are not welcome in my life.

I do not wish to take such drastic action (or any other actions), but it stops now. The last four years of my life have been filled with online controversy, starting with chandralevy.com, moving onto three Delphi forums, and now onto blogs from people connected with Delphi. This has single-handedly taken away from my enjoyment of the Internet, and I am asking it to stop. I have done nothing to infringe upon other people's enjoyment of the Internet, and am now stating that I no longer wish to have my use ruined.

This blog was started up for fun - first with the whole reinvention routine, and now with the Barkerisms. I am trying to do this for laughs - laughs I badly need right now, and I know I'm not alone. I would like to keep it that way. There's been too much bullshit already, too much grief, and I for one am tired of it.

I am not trying to tell people what they can and cannot do. If some of you feel the need to keep this war going, knock yourselves out. If you feel the need to keep the war public, fine. But keep ME out of it. Do not drag me into this matter anymore. This whole thing has been a waste of my time and energy, and has caused turmoil in my life. I don't need it anymore.

This isn't to say I don't want most of you in my life. Most of you have been damned good friends, and I don't regret having you around. But I regret being involved in this chaos, and I must ask that I be removed from this chaos in the future.

Thank you to those who respect my wishes (or who have been from day one).

This will be the last time I publicly bring up this matter. Anyone with any issues, you know where to contact me.

Labels: Mi Vida Loca, Net Drama Bullshit, Psycopaths

I know this post is behind schedule. It's just been one of those years - already.

I am sure some of my readers are wondering why I've discussed pretty much nothing but The Price Is Right here lately. Honestly, I'm dealing with a ton of shit, I'm quite overwhelmed, and I'm trying to keep from bringing up anything serious or urgent on my site for the time being to avoid going off or losing it.

Let's just say I'm in the middle of a family issue, I'm already involved in one legal dispute, and another is brewing rapidly. One of the above is more than I feel like dealing with. All three? Well, I'll make Bob Barker happy and say this with some gusto....

THAT'S TOO MUCH!

So, for the time being, I'm trying to keep things light around here. At some point, I'll go into more detail about what the hell's going on (some of you know already), but this isn't the time...

Thanks for your understanding.

Now, for some badly needed laughs...

"I just want you to know that was one of the most elaborate 'come on downs' ever on the Price Is Right!" - Bob, in response to Evelyn's lengthy trip down to Contestant's Row

"If it's anything like her come on down, we may need a commercial while she's coming up here!" - Bob, after Evelyn won her way up on stage

"Wait, don't interupt this young man, he's making perfect sense!"
"Bob, you're the king!"
"Andre, you and I are going to get along fine!"
- Bob, pleased with Andre's "Bob Is King" shirt (a parody of the Burger King logo)

"She's so proud of me because I explained that so well!" - Bob, on Lois' enthusiam while he described Double Prices

"I hope we're not going to ruin the honeymoon!" - Bob, after 80 year old George (on a honeymoon with his 70 year old wife) wiped out on Pathfinder

"During the commercial, I told this group in red what was going to happen... Because we all know that they're all here from a place of business, and there's a 'flu epidemic', and they've all taken off from work. I said one of you will probably get on the show, win his way - or her way - into the showcase, win it, then they'll all come up and be seen, and then they'll all be on unemployment tomorrow! And what's bad is all the rest of us, with our tax money, will be taking care of them! That's what's going to happen!" - Bob, giving a group of people playing hookey a lecture on responsibility!

"What would you do, Bob?"
"I'd pick another number!"
- Bob, after John made the mistake of trying to ask for advice while playing Money Game

"Esther, they're booing you because you didn't get it all the way around. Now, you have family here with you from the Philipines? Well, they'll go home, and the word will spread. They'll know all throughout the Philipines that you were booed!" - Bob, after Esther's puny spin

(And, no, not THAT Esther. I mean, can you imagine if SHE spun the wheel? You seen her arms lately? She'd probably break the damned thing!)

"I'll be gentle, I promise!"
"You'll be gentle? I love your attitude!"
- Bob, quite relieved that Josephine isn't going to squeeze the life out of his old, brittle body

"You're the third contestant I've ever had who's understood how to play Check Game!" - Bob, with even more reason to like Josephine

"Can't we change the rules this one time, and make the limit $6,500?!" - Bob, after Josephine sadly lost Check Game

"And the cookware should've been $5.60!" - Bob, laughing at himself after he slipped and referred to Susanne's $198 guess for the cookware on Make Your Move (which was wrong!) was "A dollar ninety eight"

"We've been spinning this big wheel for years, and for years, if you get $1.00, you win $1,000 and a bonus spin. But in the case of Rebecca, she must get $1.98!" - Bob, still having fun over his slip

"During the last commercial break, he was on his feet, whining 'Bob, this is my 12th time here! How do I get Rich to call my name?' He practically had tears streaming down his face. I told him 'All you need to do is slip Rich a few dollars!'" - Bob, on the irony that Justin just got called on down after talking to him during the previous break

The Barkerism Of The Week:

"I just learned a wonderful thing... I am more popular among Riverside biochemistry students than amino acids!". And you have no idea how humiliated I would've been if amino acids were more popular at my hometown's university than Bob!

Labels: Barker Worship, Mi Vida Loca, Net Drama Bullshit, Psycopaths