Over the last week, I have grown more and more disgusted over "The Cross"...

No, it's not Esther Madge that I'm mad at, nor what she is done. I am disgusted over the controversy and complaining that I've heard over the last week.

First off, let me make it clear that my frustration isn't bias because of the fact I am a Madonna fan - I'd be just as disgusted over the griping and publicity if this was Snoop Doggy Dogg or Eminem that had pulled this, and I have no use for either one of them.

Second, I am not targeting individuals who are offended by what she has done - unless you're one of those individuals who is pissed off over a woman singing from a cross, but is proud of the 100,000 "terrorists" that have been murdered in Iraq since March of ***3. Because, just like nobody died when Clinton lied about getting sucked off in the Oval Office, nobody died when Esther Madge got strapped to a 20 foot high crucifix to sing "Live To Tell"...

This is not an attempt to tell people what they are supposed to think. I know there are people who absolutely hate Madonna, and they aren't going to change their minds, no matter what. The people who love her will cheer her on, no matter what she does. The haters will take everything she does and make it sound as negative as possible. That's the way it's always been, and always will be, when it comes to Madonna. I understand this as well as anyone, as in 20 years I've had two stages of idolizing her, and one stage of hating her...

What I am galled over, though, is the media coverage and the statements coming from God, Incorporated (AKA organized religion). It isn't so much the statements, per se, as it is the fucked up priorities involved.

For the last week, we've been flooded with media coverage about Esther Madge's latest attempt to rock the boat. While some of the headlines have been cute (ie. "You're going to make everyone very cross, Madge" and "Mad-Donna!"), what pisses me off is how Madonna's "crucifixion" is a far bigger issue than Bush playing Spy Hunter, Bush's lies to lead us into mass murder, or even the Enwrong convictions.

Get a clue, people. A 47 year old woman on a cross is NOT a bigger story than Bush and Blair lying to lead us into Iraq, where we have killed over 100,000 civilians and completely destabalized an entire region. Yet, according to our icon-driven, right-wing media, it is. Why? Because Madonna is an anti-war liberal, she "desecrated" the cross (as though Bush doesn't desecrate your holy items when he claims to be a devout Christian and says "God" told him to kill 100,000 Iraqis), and well... She's Madonna.

I mean, what the hell has gotten more press coverage: The Cross, or Ma Bell turning over data to the NSA without warrants - a BLATANT violation of federal law?

How about the Enwrong convictions? Madonna didn't bilk billions of dollars out of people (not only their employees, but the people of California with their ***1 energy scam that destroyed this state's economy and opened the door for Arnold Steroidanegger to be installed as governor), but you'd think from the way the media is acting, Madonna did much worse...

Get your heads out of your asses, presstitutes. There are far bigger problems than Madonna singing from a cross. You're as bad as Martha Burk, as far as I'm concerned.

Yes, that's right... Maddy is not a fan of Martha Burk. She thinks the biggest issue concerning women today is getting women into Augusta National? Wake up and smell the noise, bitch. Why don't you focus on equal wages, sex discrimination in the workplace and housing, and fighting sexual harassment? Better yet, Martha, shut your hole and volunteer your time at a battered woman's shelter... Getting yourself or Oprah Winfrey or Martha Stewart into Augusta is a far smaller concern than making sure women in the REAL world get treated fairly.

Well, the same applies here. The media needs to shut the fuck up about this, and worry about real issues: Like the 2000 and 2004 election scams, the wars leading us into Iraq, Spygate, Plamegate, Halliburton's no-bid contracts, FEMA fucking over New Orleans, and even the truth about 9/11.

Yet, the media can't be bothered with such "unimportant" issues. Instead of real news, we get the continuing multiplication of Federlines, TomKat, and Crossgate. Wake up and smell the noise. Instead of flooding us with this "news", do your damned jobs and tell us the truth about what our corrupt government of criminals is doing, here and abroad.

Nor, can the media be bothered to report the amount of money Madonna is donating from this tour to charities aiding those affected by Hurricane Katrina. After all, that is nowhere near as newsworthy as more manufactured Madonna controversy...

And you religious leaders? Where the hell were you when Bush started this war of agression? That's right, you were urging us to support our "fine" spiritual leader, and praying to "Jesus" for him to give Bush the strength to fulfill this. Who are the real hypocrites here: Madonna, or YOU, because apparently you forgot what "THOU SHALT NOT KILL" means.

Or, as I put it on Madge's blog:

IF there is/was a Jesus Christ, and IF he is/was anything like the Bible portrayed him, I can't picture him coming down to Earth, smiling and patting George W. Bush on the back, then turning to Madge, shaking his finger and shouting "SHAME ON YOU, MADONNA CICCONE. SHAME! HOW DARE YOU OFFEND ME SO. STRAIGHT TO HELL WITH YOU!"

Since when is singing on a cross worse than mass murder? What the hell is wrong with people? They're willing to speak out about a damned singer, but aren't one bit bothered by what has happened in the Middle East?!

That is why I'm pissed. Fortunately, I'm not alone. Chris ranted about the cross controversy on his radio show yesterday. And Eric thinks this controversy is absurd, and he isn't even a Madonna fan...

I honestly could care less whether we're talking about Madonna, or Axl Rose. Doing something that "offends" someone is not a bigger offense than killing people. Taking someone's life is - and always WILL be - far worse than "offensive" religious imagery. People aren't dying because of what Madonna did.

Funny how everytime there's a fucking Bush in office, people seem to quit caring about human life - ESPECIALLY when the lives in question are Iraqi...

Quite frankly, I'm disgusted enough to have already spoofed this on one message board, and am planning on spoofing it with a T-Shirt.

I "hosted" a play-along TPIR show on Golden-Road.net, and concluded it by spoofing the cross controversy during Rich Fields' signoff:

Rich (while strapped to a 20 foot mirrored crucifix): "This is Rich Fields, speaking for The Price Is Right! A Mark Goodson Television Production. Don't stay tuned for Madonna live from the Confessions Tour on these CBS stations - it's too damned hot and controversial for network television!"

I'm also seriously considering having a T-Shirt made, with a picture of Esther Madge on the cross, and underneath it have WWMD printed on the shirt.

Yes, I'm sorry to say, I find this controversy that ridiculous.

Quite frankly, I find people making a controversy over Madonna while ignoring what Bush has done to be ridiculous.

Worry more about what your government does than what some entertainer does.

And, lastly? That video footage playing while she sings "Sorry", with Bush, Cheney, Blair, bin Laden and Hitler (among others)? Thank you for telling it how it is, Madge... Same shit, different asshole.

Because, quite honestly: It doesn't matter who is doing the killing, or who is being killed. Killing is wrong. Bush starting a war that kills 100,000 Iraqis and 2,000+ of our own troops isn't somehow magically okay because it's the "good ol' US of A". He's just as guilty of murder as everyone else shown in that video. And, until we - as the HUMAN race - decide to quit killing ourselves, nothing will ever get better in this world.

Labels: Bushwhacking, I'll Give You A Cross, Madge Worship, Presstitutes, Religious Right Ain't Right

And I'll get them posted soon... But until then, you get this fun post (which I was tagged for weeks ago), and the shiny Madonna counter up at the top!

(Note: The site SHOULD now be coming up okay for Firefox and Netscape users. The counter didn't affect Internet Explorer, but it looked like it fucked up on other browsers when I added the counter. Please let me know if problems still exist.)

I AM: Frustrated as hell that some problems can't seem to go away, no matter what I try to do to solve them. Life would be easier if some people grew up and pulled their heads out of their asses already.

I WANT: To see Madonna live (Whoops, sorry, that's about to become reality! And the ticket finally arrived Saturday, after a brief layover in Texas.) I want a world of peace, understanding and compassion, one where people don't make others miserable and enjoy it/just don't care, one without war, one without corruption.

I WISH: Someone would stumble across a cure for Alzheimer's.

I HATE: Arrogance, viciousness and selfishness.

I MISS: My past, and old friends. The more time goes on, the more I acknowledge my newfound (refound?) obsession with Madonna and The Price Is Right is a desperate attempt to try to turn the clock back to 1985, when Maddy was still "like a virgin", Johnny Olson was still telling people to "come on down" and that they might win "a new car!", and my mother was still around. As far as the old friends, that's why I finally gave in and signed up on My Space - a hope that I could use that incredibly popular site to track down some old faces...

I FEAR: Heights, dying at someone else's hands, lonliness, what's happening to my father.

I HEAR: People are really, REALLY pissed at Esther Madge Ritchie* - for not only changing one of her songs to take a shot at Bush (Changing a line in "I Love New York" to "Just go to Texas, you can suck George Bush's dick"), but for performing "Live To Tell" while crucified on a giant cross with a thorn of crowns. Good for you, Esther! We love you because you're crazy enough to do shit like this to make statements!

I WONDER: And still I wonder, who'll stop the rain? No, actually, I wonder if American society is too far gone to ever recover from this age of hate, arrogance and selfishness.

I REGRET: What, are you trying to make this the longest post in history? I regret many things. I regret losing touch with old friends. I regret what went down between myself and my mother before it was too late to take it back. I regret the past feuds with my father. I regret how I handle many things.

I AM NOT: Crazy.... yet.

I DANCE: Like shit. Which is why anytime I even remotely consider dancing, I make sure I'm drunk and in 5" spiked heels - that way, I have TWO excuses.

I SING: Between myself and Esther Madge, we have -3.5 octaves. She has 1.5 of them. You do the math. I haven't sang since I was drunk enough one night to go up (complete with 6" heeled thigh-highs boots) and sing a Sh*nia Twain song. I am sure I sounded like shit, but got applause anyway... Must've been the boots.

I CRY: Too much, probably.

I AM NOT ALWAYS: Calm and at ease.

I MAKE: Trouble. No, I'm kidding. I try to make time for the people that matter to me.

I WRITE: Lately, not very much. Hence why the majority of the posts in recent months have been Barkerisms.

I CONFUSE: Everyone, including myself.

I NEED: Peace, hope, and maybe even a few miracles.

I SHOULD: Show up at the concert with a sign saying "THE MATERIAL BLOG", complete with the URL, and hope Esther is in a good mood so she laughs - instead of plotting to kill me if she's not in a good mood.

I START: By pumping caffeine into my bloodstream.

I FINISH: Passed out in bed, once exhaustion finally overcomes all the thoughts swirling in my head.

I TAG: Madonna, Bob Barker and Sherrie Austin. :P

* Obviously, Esther Madge Ritchie is referring to that controversial Kabbalahist from Michigan who likes to shock people, not this Esther - you know, the woman whose name Madonna decided to take two years ago (and hence why I decided to take Madonna's). Sorry for any confusion.

And in closing, here's a picture of what everyone is so pissed off about:



Isn't that cute?

Labels: Barker Worship, Boot Worship, I'll Give You A Cross, Madge Worship, Madonna encounters Madonna, Mi Vida Loca, Stone Cold Sherrie Austin

Yep, that's a mouthful, but it's only fitting considering there's nearly three weeks worth of Barkerisms coming.

Yes, I'm badly overdue, between occasionally stretches of being insanely busy, the occasional bout of laziness, and other assorted fun.

Yes, Bob is back! He seems to be moving around pretty good despite his recent foot injury, and the layoff has done nothing to his sense of humor.

We are, of course, down to 21 days and roughly 14 1/2 hours until the big concert. On one hand, I am as anxious as a kid counting the days until Christmas. On the other hand, it's only been 20 years of waiting already...

The caught smoking? No, not Bob of course, but someone else we know and love, and it'll come at the end of the post (no, no porn today. Sorry, Webwasher. :P). Why? Because it's always fun to tease her when she gets caught smoking (especially in this century!)

And, onto those pearls of wisdom and laughter from the World's Greatest MC himself:

"You're loose enough. You can handle this! Go!" - Bob, after Charise started stretching before spinning the big wheel

"Now, I want to assure you that the treadmill does not cause arthritis!" - Bob, after a treadmill was shown as an item up for bids - and came with a supply of arthritis cream

"Daniel, we're about to be signing off really soon. Daniel, I'm about to do my spay and neuter plug. Get with it!" - Bob, after Daniel took his own sweet time to bid on his Showcase

"My dog kept me up all night, so when I look over there, I only see three things!" - Bob, referring to the four small prizes offered on Punchboard

"Now, I'm just going to peek. Naw, I'm not going to show that. Oh, you want to see? Heh heh heh. She did the right thing!" - Bob, after Wilma quit with $1,000 - and had only $500 in the last hole she punched out

"And now you're going to get booed. Let's here it for her!" - Bob, after Suzanne's wimpy second spin

"How old do you need to be in Sun City? How old are you?"
"Well, I'm really 55."
"55. I could've been in Sun City 20 or 30 years ago!"
- Bob and George, on the senior's group that George is a member of

"Who takes cat litter on a picnic?!" - Bob, after picnic equipment was shown as an item up for bids, and came with a supply of cat litter

"I tell you, the way we're putting these products together today is rather amusing. First of all, we're taking kitty litter on a picnic! And now, we're giving away a motorcycle, and if you fall off, there's aspirin with it!" - Bob, on the motorcycle up for bids - which came with a supply of aspirin

"Feller who has been married for 30 years, he just gets up and steps right over his wife. But not Jose!" - Bob, after Jose (wearing a Honeymooning With Bob shirt) gave his wife a big kiss after he was picked

"Ohhh, I might faint!" - Bob, after Sean claimed to know how to play Check Game

"Just a moment, just a moment... I almost fainted too soon!" - Bob, after it became obvious that Sean wasn't too sure what he was doing

"There you are... A voided check is all you got on The Price Is Right!" - Bob, after Sean lost

"I'll tell you one thing, I'm going to keep my eye on Nina for the whole show!" - Bob, after Dina thought she won her way up on stage and tried go up on stage

"You don't get back here, I'm going to go on without you!" - Bob, after Evelyn had no idea where to go

"Must be the atmospheric conditions!" - Bob, on the recent trend of contestant's spinning the big wheel, then running under the scoreboard like they've already won - even though the wheel is still spinning

"I'm going to start cutting their Achilles' tendons so they can't do that!" - Bob, after Robert also ran over the scoreboard while the wheel was still spinning

"And it's gotten to the point where I'm convinced there are kids there majoring in The Price Is Right!" - Bob, on the number of groups from University of California Santa Barbara to have attended tapings of TPIR

"I was so excited about the hug that I accidentally checked the wrong box!" - Bob, after accidentally checking "Win big" (instead of "Hug Bob") on Tammy's shirt after she got her hug

"That's a well adjusted family! That's a fine family!" - Bob, after Frances said that she makes her grandchildren watch The Price Is Right with her

"People aren't listening to me today!" - Bob, after Williard had to think about going higher than a 1 in Dice Game (there are no zeroes in Dice Game)

"Rachel? Rachel, I can't tell from here. Tell me, is there a picture of me there or not? There's not? I'm going to have a talk with the set decorator about this, I tell you!" - Bob, on not having a picture in any of the picture frames offered as a prize package

Unfortunately, we had not one, not two, not three, but FOUR contestants who didn't seem to know what "Come on down!" means:

Bob: "Hello Tyler. Tyler?"
Tyler: "Yes?"
Bob: "Where you from?"
Tyler: "Utah!"
Bob: "And you've watched The Price Is Right?"
Tyler: "Yes I have!"
Bob: "And you've heard people out there in the audience, and there name has been called to be on the show?"
Tyler: "Yeah!"
Bob: "And they jump up, and they come on down.. To where?"
Tyler: "Right here!"
Bob: "Right here... Have you ever seen anyone stop down there?"
Tyler: "Oh, yeah! I'm gonna go back!"
Bob: "That's where Tyler belongs!"
- Bob and Tyler, after Tyler decided to run right up on stage

Bob: "Now, Alberto. It's a pleasure to have you here at The Price Is Right! And I'm just trying to push you forward. The light's better here. I don't care about you, but I want to look as good as I can! Now, Alberto, are you having fun at The Price Is Right?"
Alberto: "I'm having a lot of fun!"
Bob: "Great. And are you excited about being up on stage?"
Alberto: "I'm really overwhelmed!"
Bob: "You're really overwhelmed... These three are really overwhelmed that you're up here, too... Carol, is there anything you'd like to say to Alberto?"
Carol: "Just keep up the great spirit, Alberto! You're just awesome!"
Bob: "Katherine, is there anyone you'd like to say to him?"
Katherine: "You have great moves, Alberto!"
Bob: "Anything you'd like to say, Anastasia?"
Anastasia: "Alberto, watch out! I'm going to beat you!"
Bob: "It's not working, I'm just going to have to tell him..."
Rich: "Tell him, Bob!"
Bob: "Alberto, you're going to have to get down there and start down there!"
- Bob, after yet another contestant got picked and ran right up on stage

"Hello, Patsy. Hello, Patsy. Here you go, right down those steps, Patsy. Go around. There you go. Welcome to Contestant's Row!" - Bob, after Patsy came right up on stage

Bob: "Hello, Martha. It's a pleasure to see you!"
Martha: "I can't believe it!"
Bob: "Turn around, so everyone can see you. You watch the show a lot?"
Martha: "As much as I can!"
Bob: "But you have seen it?"
Martha: "Many times!"
Bob: "I say to Rich 'Who is our next player?', and Rich says 'Martha Calloway, come on down!', or 'Joan Smith, come on down!', and they come running down the aisle. And where do they go?"
Martha: "They come up on stage!"
Bob: "They come right up on stage?"
Martha: "Yeah, to be with Bob Barker!"
Bob: "I wonder why those three stopped down there?"
Martha: "They're gonna bid and probably won a lot of money!"
Bob: "Now wait a minute, she has an answer... Now why do you supposed they stopped?"
Martha: "They're contestantants!"
Bob: "They're contestantants.. And what are you?"
Martha: "I'm a contestant!"
Bob: "Yes. So why are they down here and you're up here?"
Martha: "I'm coming on down..."
Bob: "What? You tell her, Jeffrey!"
Jeffrey: "Come on down!"
Bob: "Yes, they want you down there. Get down there!"
- Bob and Martha, after yet another contestant didn't seem to understand what "Come On Down!" means

And considering this is more or less three weeks worth of Barkerisms, why not name three Barkerisms Of The Week(s)?

"And with this kayak comes a supply of drain opener!" - Rich, on that item up for bids
"If you have leaky boat, and you want to open it up..." - Bob, on the drain opener

"Now, Lucia, I have been doing this long enough to know a dangerous person when I meet one... You are the type who would do me bodily harm! I want security standing by, please! You lay one hand on me, and they're going to break your legs! Okay? Alright..." - Bob, after Lucia got called down

"Wait a minute, this is Price Is Right history. First contestant who ever bid Kingston, Arizona!" - Bob, after Lucy confused "What do you bid?" with "Where do you live?"
"No, I asked where do you live?!" - Bob, after Lucy bid

Let's hear it for the funniest man on television!

Now, as far as the caught smoking part. I know, it's not supposed to be funny when someone tries to quit smoking and can't kick the habit, but I can't help but to laugh that twelve years after she "quit", we still find the occasional pictures of my twin smoking...

All I can say is either there are still some things Madge can't quite control (which makes two Madges who can't seem to quit smoking), or she's trying so damned hard to be like... me.

Smoke 'em if you got 'em, eh Esther? Need a light? Okay, I'll be nice, Madge II. I know you're just horsing around... :P

Labels: Barker Worship, Madge Worship, Madonna encounters Madonna, Smoking In The Girls' Room

For as long as I've been alive, I've heard all those predictions on when the world would end, with December 31, 1999 being the most popular date (hah!).

Well, I can now tell you when the world will end with complete accuracy: June 3.

I say this with a couple of theories in mind:

1. The theory that matter and antimatter, should they make contact with each other, would cause a massive explosion.

2. The theory that if the same person from different timelines/dimensions/universes encounter each other, it will result in complete destruction of the space time continuum.

Well, you better look out...

Because on June 3, 2006, at 8:00 pm PDT, at 1111 S. Figueroa Street in Los Angeles... Live in concert, and for the first time in the same building... It's Madonna... and Madonna!

Be afraid. Be very afraid. This could be like the Ghostbusters crossing the streams - meaning either all life as you know it will stop instantaneously and every molecule in your body will explode at the speed of light, or the gateway to the underworld will be closed...

So this may be a good time to do all those things you always wanted to do, because time may not going by so slowly, so slowly, so slowly now.

Either way, I'll have a blast. The Material Girl and the Maternity Girl will meet at last!

All I can say is what a long voyage this has been.

1. Convincing myself not to go, because the original list of dates had Esther playing three shows at the Forum, which is located in Inglewood (not only a very unsafe suburb of Los Angeles, but not as public transportation-friendly as Staples Center or the Arrowhead Pond of Anaheim).

2. Finding out LAST NIGHT that Esther had added the June 3 show at Staples Center, then being up shit creek as far as my budget, my lack of a credit card, and trying to do a rush job.

3. Making repeated attempts to win tickets on a local radio station (no luck there) - which is how I found out about the fourth LA show at Staples.

4. Having a friend offer to place a $57.00 "general admission" ticket on his credit card for me first thing tickets went on sale this morning - then taking a nap and oversleeping by 90 minutes. KS, I am still more grateful than words can express. What can I say but I can be a real moron sometimes (like not finding a way to stay awake).

5. Going over eBay and making myself sick looking at the prices tickets are going for there. You know, I've never been fond of scalpers, but this experience has REALLY made me hate them. If you don't plan on going to the show, and the tickets aren't gifts, DON'T FUCKING BUY THEM! Because some of us have wanted on and off for TWENTY YEARS to see their twin from a parallel universe perform live, and are still kicking themselves for the tours they HAVE missed in the past.

6. Getting an email from a friend, saying "I can order the ticket for you, and it'd be no problem for you to pay me back on June 1" - elation!

6a. Calling my father to make slightly altered financial arrangements for June 1.

6b. Then seeing where he said he couldn't place the order until tomorrow. OH FUCK! Now I'm panicking again...

7. Calling my father, and asking if we could just stick the thing directly on his credit card...

7a. Placing the order, with my hands shaking the whole damned time....

8. SUCCESS!

I've seen Sherrie Austin live (twice). I've met Arnold Palmer. I've seen Bob Barker do his thing in person (three times now - not to mention us discussing his pants on Wednesday)...

But in 27 days, I can finally cross one more thing off life's "Must Do" list...

However, I may need to hurry up and take care of the rest of the list before that.

TOUCHDOWN, MATERIAL GIRL!

Oh, wait. I almost published this before I forgot something... I'M A PORN SITE! And you know what? I must live up to my name....



Anyone got a light?

Labels: Madge Worship, Madonna encounters Madonna, Naked Madonna, Smoking In The Girls' Room

Yep, I'm back from yet more fun and insanity from the Bob Barker Studio. No luck yet again winning the "Come on down!" lottery, but it was still an absolute blast...

We showed up in line at 3:30 am on Wednesday morning, and this time got far better seats than the January taping (#15 and #16). Of course, I just had to snag Mike's order of arrival number when I saw he got #15 - as Dale Earnhardt drove the #15 car in 1982 and 1983. :P

While there was no TS group this time around, and not quite as much morning/early afternoon insanity before getting into the studio, it was still a blast. Quite a few fun people to chat with and hang out with, and the day went by much quicker than you'd imagine 11 hours going by.

Of course, we got the usual assortment of "pick me" shirts - some of which were cute, some were not quite so cute. But, it's to be expected - and some day, I may even show up with my own "pick me" (protest) shirt: "Pick me - I know how to play Check Game!"

Among some of the other fun in line/while waiting:

Seeing a group of people that had been out in line since the previous night, who had brought sleeping bags and were sound asleep at 3:30 am (and in fact slept until about 5:45).

Watching a squirrel sneak around in the plants, nibbling on (and occasionally burying) corn nuts. I, of course, just had to make the wisecrack about whether the squirrel was spayed or neutered!

Having someone bum a cigarette off me, then be quite amused by the length of it. I hope they are grateful that I only smoke 120's, and they don't make 164's anymore...

This also marked the first time I got breakfast while in line, as a couple of ladies in line had brought plenty of food, and didn't want to drag it back to their room, so they just started passing out breakfast. That was very nice of them, a shame one of them couldn't have been picked.

Rich seems to be getting more and more comfortable with his job as announcer - not only more willing to get laughs out of us, but when he called six people up on stage to be "The Price Is Right dancers" for the day, he picked TWO men from a group of seniors from Wyoming!

Not only did we get our usual share of Barkerisms (and I'll share the ones we heard during the commercial breaks), but even a couple of Richisms...

Rich: "Has everyone been drinking today? I hope so, because the entire staff is drunk!"

(After an audience member said something that Rich didn't find amusing)
Rich: "Cross his name off. Don't pick him!"

But, of course, everyone's favorite smart-alleck Material Girl had to strike yet again...

Rich: "I attended my first taping of The Price Is Right right after I turned 18, back in 1979, which was 27 years ago. You can all do the math..."
Madge: "22!"
Rich: "I appreciate that! What's your name? Find her name on the list, make sure she gets picked!"

But, there's no party like a Bob Barker party, and a Bob Barker party don't stop - so the fun really began when the man walked through door #2 (and was greeted by those same two idiots and their "We're not worthy!" routine)...

During the first commercial break, Bob was checking out the audience for the groups that showed up for the day:

Bob: "You're from a group of seniors that came from Wyoming? How old do you have to be to join?"
Woman from group: "55."
Bob: "55?! When I was 55, the last thing I was thinking about was retiring! You know, I'm too old to be a senior anymore. Now I'm a super, super senior. Back when I was a senior, I didn't want to join. Now that I'm ready to join, I can't because I'm not a senior anymore!"

Bob: "Are there any other groups here?"
Woman in audience: "Us!"
Bob: "You're a girl, not a group!"
Woman: "No, I'm here with my friends..."
Bob: "How many are there in your 'group'?"
Woman: "Five."
Bob: "That's not a group! You need six to be a group!"

But Bob wasn't done giving "groups" the business just yet, as another small pack of individuals decided to pass themselves off as a group...

Bob: "So, how many are in your group? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6... 7. Seven. That's not a group, you need eight to be a group!"

One of the contestants wasn't quite so amused with Bob's sense of humor:

Bob: "Get up, make another bad bid, sit down already... Ohhhhh... She didn't find that amusing!"

And during the second commercial break, Bob learned the hard way that some people don't quite know what questions are....

Bob: "Anyone got any questions?"
Woman in audience: "Can I get a kiss?"
Bob: "Can't you see I'm busy up here?! If I let you get a smooch, I have to let everyone else come down and get a kiss! Any other questions?"
Another woman in audience: "Can I get a hug?"
Bob: "Didn't I just say I was busy? Weren't you paying attention? Any other questions?"
Man in audience: "Can I get your autograph?"
Bob: "These aren't questions, these are commands!"

And during the third commercial break, Bob got a question so unusual I'm not sure he could come up with a witty response for it....

Crazy female fan: "Bob, I was at a taping in January, and someone complimented your pants."
Bob: "My pants?"
Crazy female fan: "Yeah, your pants. After he complimented them, you asked us what we bid on them..."
Bob: "Bid on my pants?"
Crazy female fan: "Yep, bid on your pants. Now, the readers of my website want to know.... What is the actual retail price of your pants?!"
Bob: "You want to know the price of my pants?!"
Crazy female fan: "Yes. My readers want to know!"
Bob: "Uhhhhh...."
Rich: "They're priceless!"
Bob: "Yes, he's absolutely right. They're priceless!"

You may hate me, you may love me, but never let it be said that the Material Girl doesn't go the extra mile for her fans! I tried, boys and girls. I tried to find out the actual retail price of Bob's pants.. But, I guess they are indeed priceless.

Then again, is anyone surprised? These are Bob Barker's fucking pants, after all. They turn people into timeless legends and makes them the World's Greatest Master of Ceremonies. No other pants could EVER do that!

So, if anyone ever asks you if you know the actual retail price of Bob's pants, they're priceless. And without Maddy, you would've never known that!

After the third pricing game....

Bob: "I must have a bunch of losers here! We've had three pricing games, and we've lost all three. People don't want to hear me say 'Awwww, I'm sorry', they want to hear me say 'You've won a new car!' Now, let's get it together in the second half, and break even!"

Shortly after that, Bob delivers with a serious candidate for Barkerism Of The Year.. Hell, maybe even the decade!

Female contestant in Contestant's Row: "Bob, have you ever considered giving away pets to the people who get called down who don't win anything?"
Bob: "You want a pet?"
Contestant: "Yeah, you know, at least we'd get to win a pet..."
Bob (half-sarcastically and half-teasingly): "I'LL GIVE YOU A PET!"

Bob was also asked what his favorite pricing game, and he answered like a true golfer...

Male in audience: "What's your favorite game?"
Bob: "Favorite pricing game?"
Male: "Yeah, you have a favorite?"
Bob: "Well, I like many of them. Plinko is obviously very popular. But I like Hole In One... when I'm actually making putts!"
Idiot male in audience: "Alright, Bob! Nice... and easy!"

While we didn't get to hear THE line, it would not be The Price Is Right without a Happy Gilmore reference, and Bob struck once again just before the second Showcase Showdown:

Bob: "You know, they wanted me to do Happy Gilmore 2, but Adam Sandler's doctor told him he couldn't take another beating like that!"

All in all, a fun show. Draining, but fun. It's like running a marathon, where the last two miles turns into an all-out sprint. But I enjoyed every second of it yet again, and I'm looking forward to August.

And, maybe this time, I'll really go out of my way to grab their attention with that Check Game shirt and a pair of boots!

However, last but not least...

If anyone missed Rob's comment to my previous post, you may want to check this out... It would seem that Sprint Webwasher (and possibly some other similiar programs) has now labeled my page as pornography, and as Sprint uses Webwasher, their employees are blocked from being able to view my page from their work computers (as well as who knows who else).

Pornography?! Me?! I may be vulgar, I may be crude, but I have never posted anything pornographic..

Well, if there is one thing I am tired of in life, it's being blamed for shit when I didn't do it. I mean, what fun is it to take the blame and not get the fun of sinning? Well, no more...

You want pornography? I'LL GIVE YOU PORNOGRAPHY!































After all, the only thing worse than smoking in bed is smoking in bed - while nude.

Take that, Sprint Webwasher!

Labels: Barker Worship, Bidding On Bob's Pants, Boot Worship, Camp Barker, Naked Madonna, Smoking In The Girls' Room, That's What Friends Are For

Yes, I'm late on last week's Barkerisms. I've been insanely busy the last few days, between getting the first of the month shit taken care of, spring cleaning, and various other fun activities *cough*.

I will get them posted in the next few days, along with more fun from The Happiest Place On Earth. No, Madge is not going to Disneyland - the MG is about to take another trip to LA and GSM to see BB and TPIRB yet again.

(Or, for those who aren't up on acronyms, Maddy is off to attend another taping of The Price Is Right on Wednesday.)

This should be a blast. I need a vacation. And an hour with Bob is always good, clean, campy fun - especially if he says that line from Happy Gilmore!

And, yes, I intend to ask him the actual retail price of his pants!

Fortunately, he didn't appear to be limping at all during last week's episodes (which were the first ones taped since his foot injury). He looks to be feeling quite well, thank goodness!

So, I'll be back in a few days to share more fun stories from Studio 33 (or as it's now known, the Bob Barker Studio)! Because, after all, the price is always right, bitch!

Labels: Barker Worship, Bidding On Bob's Pants, Camp Barker, Mi Vida Loca, That's What Friends Are For