Today marks the twentieth anniversary of an album so popular and successful that it, in the words of Stephen Thomas Erlewine, is "the album where Madonna truly became Madonna the Superstar - the endlessly ambitious, fearlessly provocative entertainer that knew how to outrage, spark debates, get good reviews...and make good music while she's at it"

Not to mention that is an album that is very near and dear to my heart. An album that, if I were to put together my 80's to music (wait, don't I already?), would most certainly be on that soundtrack...

And it's the album that launched Madonna Idolization, v1.0

I am, of course, talking about True Blue.

On June 30, 1986, with the debut single "Papa Don't Preach" all over radio and MTV, and working it's way up the charts, the album that elevated Maddy's career to a whole new level of stardom would hit the shelves.

Of course, it's easy to look back at this album and era as the Marilyn period - the red lipstick, the short platinum-blonde hair - but if anything, this was the album that marked the birth of Madonna the artist: Her singing was greatly improved over her first two albums, and for the first time in her career she was involved with the songwriting on every track on the album.

The album was a major success: Over 8 million copies sold in the United States (topped by only her greatest hits release, The Immaculate Collection) and over 24 million copies sold worldwide, five weeks at #1 on the Billboard Top 200, three #1 hits ("Live To Tell", "Papa Don't Preach" and "Open Your Heart") as well as two other top five's ("True Blue" and "La Isla Bonita").

The album would have everything: Catchy pop/dance songs (like "Open Your Heart" and "Where's The Party"), a little experimentation ("La Isla Bonita"), Esther using her music to make statements ("Love Makes The World Go Round")... And, of course, songs that provoked controversy, like "Papa Don't Preach" and "Live To Tell"...

Okay, so "Live To Tell" only become controversial twenty years later, thanks to a large mirrored crucifix.

While this album isn't as good as some of her later work (Like A Prayer, Bedtime Stories, Ray Of Light and Confessions On A Dance Floor come to mind), it was by far her best work to date. And while it's always easy to be distracted by Esther's antics and behavior and ignore her music as a result, this album would mark the first time she'd be taken seriously as an artist.

Not to mention that it'd be the album that would make me take HER seriously as an artist.

As I mentioned a couple weeks ago, "Papa Don't Preach" was the first song she did that caught my ear. Sure, I'd heard "Lucky Star" and "Borderline" and "Material Girl" a few (thousand) times over the previous few years, but it just kind of went in one ear and out the other. "Screw this. Gimme some Billy Joel. How about some Styx? Let's hear Bruce Springsteen!"

Her early work was way too bubblegum for my liking (the irony, now they're some of my favorite songs from her). It didn't do anything for me...

But "Papa Don't Preach" began to open my mind (and heart) to Madonna. Then when "Open Your Heart" (cute bustier. I have boots that'll go good with that) hit MTV, I was hooked.

I relented. I gave in. I bought my first Madonna album...

And needless to say, I was hooked. Not only did I love the songs that were already hits, but even enjoyed a number of the songs that weren't on their way to radio (like "White Heat" and "Love Makes The World Go Round".

In fact, I loved everything about the album...

Well, except "Jimmy Jimmy" (Sorry, Madge. Not one of your finer songs)

And the fact Dann Huff played guitar on it. But, then again, I didn't despise Dann Huff until ***3, and we'll discuss that at another time...

Needless to say, after getting hooked on True Blue, I had to get her earlier albums as well. Yes, they weren't as good, but who cares? They're Madonna's albums! And I was hooked...

The seed was planted. Next came the True Blue album cover poster. Then the hopes and dreams of seeing her in concert (which, as we know, finally happened after twenty years of bad luck and the "dark period"). Then just having to watch Desperately Seeking Susan (great movie) and Who's That Girl? (cute movie), just because she was in them...

No, I still haven't seen Shanghai Surprise.

Sadly, of course, the good times didn't last. In came the 90's and the "dark period", where the only Madonna "merchandise" I wanted was a voodoo doll. But, fortunately, there is now Idolization v2.0 - bigger and better than ever!

But, of course, in some ways, it isn't quite the same. It's bigger, it's better, and the "dark period" has made me appreciate the second time around even more, but this time around, I'm not like a virgin, touched for the very first time...

Plus, maybe it's the tendency to look back on the early years with fondness. 1986 was the beginning of the end, and end of the beginning. My family was unraveling, and we'd just moved into a neighboor where I fit in as well as my size 10 foot would fit into a size 5 stiletto-heeled pump. That was a very unpleasant period of my life, and Madonna's music gave me a bit of joy during that period...

For which, I'm still very grateful.

It's just hard to believe it's been twenty years. Twenty years since I was touched for the very first time. All that's happened since then. Time doesn't go by so slowly, so slowly sometimes after all...

What a ride it has been. And thank you for giving us so much great music to enjoy during that ride.

And, while True Blue may have been Maddy's third album, in some ways, it'll always be the first to me.

I'm now going to pour myself a rum and coke, put on True Blue, and toast this masterpiece on it's anniversary. Anyone care to join me?

Labels: Madge Worship

Uh oh.. Now she's really done it this time. I warned you: Maddy, plus alcohol, plus boredom, plus Photoshop equals big, BIG trouble...



It's Princess Madonna of Themyscira, AKA Wonder Maddy. And she's probably not going to be up to any good with that magic lasso, knowing her...

Nor, will anyone ever think of Wonder Woman the same way again, probably.

But, on the bright side: At least Sherrie Austin now has company....

Labels: Madge Worship, Photoshop Phun, Stone Cold Sherrie Austin, You're A Wonder

And welcome to Anniversaryville, population 3 - and counting... Happy Anniversary, Rob!

It was two years ago today that someone was born. Or re-born. Or... re-invented.

Let's all take a quick trip back to June 17, 2004 - the night before that fateful day.

I was on the phone with.. well, he's not quite a friend anymore, sadly. We're chatting away about shit when out of the blue, he says "Hey, did you hear Madonna has changed her name? She wants to be called Esther now."

Now, at this point, I was still in my "Ehhh. Madonna's okay, I guess" stage, but even I was shaking my head at this one. Huh? What?! ESTHER?! You're not an Esther, you're a Madonna!

Oh, dear... what would the world be without Madonna?!

Much to my surprise, I kept thinking about this throughout the night. I woke up insanely late (as I did all summer long in my old, A/C-less apartment, to avoid the heat as much as possible).

Well, at 6:30, I start walking to the store, and after a couple blocks, I must've freaked everyone out, because I was standing there doubled-over in laughter. Because it was there in the middle of that shit-hole city that an idea came to me, thought for the very first time...

"Okay, so you're Esther now? Nice to meet you, Esther... I'm MADONNA!"

I giggled the whole time in the store, anxious to get home and make this a reality... I mean, you know it had to be good to have me giggling in a grocery store, at 6:30 in the morning, while in the midst of a major depression.

So, I return home, and sneak onto the late Strange Forums. Thanks to my Administrator access there, I was able to sneak into the Control Panel, and change my name - which was Cecelia, inspired by the patron saint of music, due to my long-winded rants about the evils of the music industry.

Ironically, it was fitting that the re-birth began there, with that account, as the original name on that account was Marty McSorley - the first time I ever spoofed a celebrity online...

After changing my name, I see that another moderator is online. Moderators can see everyone who's online, even when hidden, so I fire off a quick private message to her, saying "Shhhh... I'll let everyone in on the fun soon enough. Don't blow the surprise!"

Next came changing my picture, and that wasn't a tough choice. So, a few quick minutes to shrink it down to size...

After doing this, I then take a certain Reuters article, change a few key words, crop a few things, and this was what everyone on the forum was greeted with - my first post as the NEW me:

Assuming a newly outrageous public image more in keeping with that of a "Material Girl" than a saint of music, poster Cecelia says she has adopted the name of Madonna.

The poster, formerly known as Cecelia, recalled that she was very young when Madonna first hit the charts.

"I wanted to attach myself to another name," she said according to excerpts from the interview released by GameOvr Radio on Thursday. "This is in no way a negation of who Cecelia was. ... I wanted to attach myself to the energy of a different name."

The 29-year-old poster insisted that despite her celebrated crusade against the music industry, she has decided to try the raunchy pop vixen image that has been so popular over the last two decades.

"I have decided to try, you know, taking my clothes off and being photographed, saying bad words on TV, and, you know, that sort of thing," she told GO Radio. "I hope I don't regret it, but it's just ... I mean everybody takes their clothes off now. And then what? You know? And -- and then what?"

Acknowledging that blatant sexuality have drawn criticism in some quarters as a celebrity trend, Madonna said her practice of it is sincere.

"I'm a little bit irritated that people think that it's like some celebrity bandwagon that I've jumped on," she said. "I'm very serious about it."

At the time of this "re-invention", I had no idea how long it'd last. A few days? A few weeks? Maybe a few months? Surely not... years!?

But, then a few months later, this blog was born (complete with a profanity counter and nudie pictures of me)... Followed by posting on more forums as Maddy, followed by new AIM screen names, followed by a MySpace profile...

Two years ago, it started off a small joke, and now it's become an enormous one!

But, how can it be all bad? It's brought me much joy and amusement... It re-opened my eyes to the greatness of Esther Louise Madge Ciccone. It caused me to go back to my roots and become an even bigger Madonna fan than I was in 1986. And it's helped me encounter so many great people online - and amuse those I'd already known.

Besides, it's always better to be a Madonna than... Well, my former name. Why? Because everyone laughs at "Debbie", but we all laugh WITH Madonna!

Here's looking at many more fun years...

Happy re-birthday to me. And thank you, Esther!

Edit: And the anniversaries just don't seem to end...

Today is the 20th anniversary of one of the most popular and controversial songs of the 80's - "Papa Don't Preach"!

The song stirred up controversy within the Catholic church (what else is new when it comes to me?), and was supported by all our wonderful pro-life (ie. anti-choice) conservatives, like that bitch Tipper Gore - who, of course, blasted me for my "vulgar" lyrics a year earlier, for such "controversial" songs as "Dress You Up".

(Anyone got a Tipper sticker to gag Mrs. Gore with? Sorry... I'm supposed to be talking about "me", not her... Let's move on.)

How fitting, though, that my re-invention and "Papa Don't Preach" both came to be on June 18 - if also 18 years apart. That was the song that first led me down the path to idolizing Madonna. The video that MTV couldn't get enough of - and where I went from "It's that damned video again!" to "You know, this isn't bad..." to "Madonna kicks ass!" over the next couple months.

If my own re-invention led to "Madonna rules! v2.0", it was "Papa Don't Preach" that led to the original...

All I can say is I feel old... Wow. Has it really been 20 years? My, how time has flown..... I was so cute back then!

Happy birthday to you too, "Papa"!

And, be sure to check out G-Lock's brief write-up on this historic anniversary...

Labels: Madge Worship, Reinvention

Or do I? Quite honestly, I keep expecting any minute now for someone to pinch me, wake me up, and tell me it never happened - it was just a dream...

Since you're still here and reading this, obviously last night proved that all the theories about temporal paradoxes and matter and antimatter metting are indeed fiction - sure sound great in science fiction, but clearly not true.

Well, here it is: A look back at the day 20 years in the making...

"Burning Up" (12:00 pm-4:30 pm): Life really does suck in Southern California, especially this time of year. And, wouldn't you know it: It just had to be nearly 100 degrees here yesterday, on a day where I had to do a great deal of walking and being outside...

Needless to say, by the time I reached the Staples Center, I looked and felt like I'd run a marathon. Even three quarts of Gatorade and a quart of water wasn't enough to keep my hydrated. But, I've endured worse for less, so I sucked it up...

"Waiting" (4:30 pm-6:00 pm): Obviously, I arrived at the Staples Center early - quite early. Too early. But, I didn't know the area, and didn't want to try to cut it close and have something go wrong, so I figured worst-case scenario is I arrive early and wait...

Probably a good thing I did, as it took me about 15-20 minutes to find the alternate bus stop for the DASH DD to get from Union Station to Staples - the normal bus stop was closed due to sidewalk repairs...

Fortunately, they did have one merchandise stand open outside, so I picked up some goodies. I also found some interesting people to chat with, which brings me to...

"Music makes the people come together" (6:00 pm-7:15 pm): It's funny, I was planning on wearing something outrageous, but thought better of it (and a good thing with the weather). However, I wouldn't have been alone...

We had one woman show up as a "horse girl", obviously inspired by Esther Madge's photo shoot for W magazine. Great costume, but not even the costume of the day, if you ask me (maybe even the year)...

We had a transgendered person show up dressed AS Madonna - and was quite passable. In fact, I even told her the second time she walked by me "Now that is the costume of the year! Awesome!"

Best T-Shirt I saw? A woman with a T-Shirt that said "KISS ME, MRS. RITCHIE!" Someone I was talking to saw the shirt and said "I love it! It better work!", to which I added "And if it works, I'm going to borrow your shirt!"

"Where's The Party?" (7:15 pm): Finally, after a wait of nearly three hours, we are allowed into the building. This causes the only scare of the night for me...

Knowing I would have to pull an all-nighter in LA, I brought my backpack, complete with binoculars (good thing I brought them), two books and a few other goodies to help keep me occupied until I can finally head home at 6:00 am.

I was warned that it might be a problem. However, upon entering, all they did was say they needed to inspect it, which was obviously not a problem... They did so, and I was finally in - with only the ticking clock holding me back now...

I picked up a poster (they didn't have them at the outside stand), and made my way to my seat, which was a Bob Uecker Special - second row from the top... Thank goodness for the binoculars, and thank goodness for the fact I have a good angle to the stage...

"Time goes by so slowly for those who wait" (7:30 pm-8:45 pm): And now the most nerve-racking part of it all - the final wait. I'm there, I'm in, and now a wait of 20 years has boiled down to roughly an hour..

I take this time to chit-chat with people around me and adjust the binoculars. And bite my nails. And regret the fact there's no smoking in public venues anymore.

At about 8:40, I ask a woman behind me for the time - not so much for the sake of counting minutes, but for posterity... I want to know the minute that it finally all becomes a reality...

Of course, the show was supposed to start at 8:00. But, if you're Esther Madge Ritchie, you can start whenever the fuck you want. And, the fact she'd be 45 minutes or so late was no surprise - she's done so at every show so far.

"Tick tick tock..." (8:45 pm): And it's false start time.. I nearly jump out of my skin when they test some of the lighting, thinking "This is it!".. Not quite yet...

"Time Stood Still" (8:46 pm-8:51 pm): And now time for more jumping out of my skin, as they slowly start turning off lights - but not all of them... I'm beginning to worry a little that it's June Fool's Day and 18,000 people are in on a joke..

"Fever" (~8:52 pm): Finally, they kill all the lights, and a large jeweled disco ball begins descending toward the ground. Everyone is going nuts, me probably moreso than anyone else...

I honestly don't know if I'm cheering so loud thinking "Oh my fucking god, here we go!", or "Yes, keep dropping! Don't stop! Go! Go! Go!".. Maybe a bit of both... Maybe after 20 years of waiting - all the wasted oppotunities and my own wrong turns - I'm worried that somehow, someway, this won't happen...

"Touched for the very first time" (~8:54 pm): And, finally, that large disco ball reaches the stage...

A few seconds later, it opens up...

And.... Oh my fucking god. There she is, standing there dressed like a cross between an equestrian and a dominatrix...

After 20 fucking years, I'm finally looking at Madonna in the flesh! She's not a myth, like Wonder Woman. She's not a perfected female Max Headroom. She's real! And she's right there!

The crowd is going absolutely nuts... And in section 319, row 11, seat 13, a woman stands there, arms raised like a touchdown signal, screaming louder than she's ever screamed before...

And, to the shock of anyone who notices, there are tears in her eyes.

I didn't plan it that way. I don't know if it was sheer joy. I don't know if it was reflecting back on the 20 year road to this destination - the wasted chances, the regrets over my "I hate Madonna!" stage, thinking back to all that has been lost and has changed since 1986.. Maybe both. But that moment was one of the most overwhelming of my life...

It's no longer a dream. It's no longer a wish. It has finally become reality!

And here are some of the highlights of her performance...

Horsing Around: Esther Madge opened up with "Future Lovers" (mixing in a few lines of "I Feel Love"), with the Steven Klein horse video playing, while Esther engaged in a little "horseplay" with her dancers.. Definitely erotic, passionate and wild...

Finally, after 13 years, we once again get "Like A Virgin", which she hasn't done live since the Girlie Show. She performed this on a saddle on a pole, as a video played showing people thrown off horses and X-rays of broken bones... It's always a pleasure to hear her perform one of her classics.

She then closed out this segment with "Jump", a very energetic performance with some real acrobatics by her and her dancers. The live performance of this song felt even more energetic than the CD track.

So far, we are off to a rousing, energetic start... But now it's time for the real fun.

"I have a tale to tell...": As Esther Madge changes costumes and prepares for, well.. YOU KNOW.. We get three spoken-word stories from three of her dancers - as they do their thing on the floor, we hear their stories of past trauma - domestic violence, suicide attempts and gang-banging...

Very moving, in and of itself...

Then, of course, we get to the moment the whole world has gone apeshit over - the large mirrored crucifix is raised, and there is Jes - err, Madonna, complete with her crown of thorns, singing "Live To Tell" as statistics about AIDS are on the screens.

Between the dancers and the song itself, a very touching performance - one that really sticks out compared to the energy of most of the show...

I'm not sure I still understand the use of the cross, but it is a shame that the media has fixated on the cross, while overlooking the powerful statement she makes about triumph (what the dancers have overcome) and tragedy...

Next we move onto "Forbidden Love", and with some of the routines from the dancers, no doubt she wanted to make a strong statement about homosexuality here...

After that, we get the first taste of "her friend Isaac" with... "Isaac". I for one was very impressed with this song when I first heard Confessions On A Dance Floor. The live performance just blows it away. I am keeping my fingers crossed we will see a live CD from this tour, just to have a copy of this performance...

Next up is "Sorry" (and, no, not what the controversy is about... yet). Esther puts on a leather jacket for this performance, and decides to reenact the whole Britney "controversy" with a few of the female dancers...

During her second costume change, we get the video that, along with the cross, the media can't shut up about.. The "Sorry" reprise. Images of Bush, Cheney, Condi, Hitler, Saddam, and even the KKK appear. The statement here is very straightforward, and very powerful - it's very anti-hate, and anti-violence. The dancers play-fight as the video plays...

And, needless to say, the crowd went nuts during the part that was edited to have Bush blink uncontrollably.. Great stuff.

Madonna ROCKS!: Esther Madge returns from that costume change decked out in leather, and grabs an electric guitar. She does one hell of a job rocking out during this segment, ESPECIALLY during "I Love New York"..

And Kenny McCormick doesn't think she can play the guitar? Hah...

Of course, it's not "I Love New York" live WITHOUT the line. It's one thing to hear about the line.. It's another thing to actually hear it:

If you don't like my attitude
You can just F off
Just go to Texas
YOU CAN SUCK GEORGE BUSH'S DICK!

Now, I shocked Mike during our first TPIR taping, when I gave a couple Tiger Woods fist pumps.. Well, last night was a first: After Madge shouted that line, she became the first person to get a DOUBLE Tiger Woods fist pump from me (as in pumping both fists at the same time)! Congratulations, Esther Madge! You made history!

I also screamed and shouted something after that, that sounded an awful lot like "FUCK GEORGE BUSH!". In fact, come to think of it, that is exactly what I shouted... "FUCK GEORGE BUSH!"

Just a bitchin' performance by Esther Madge. Makes me long for her to do a rock album, just as a change of pace - like she almost did in 1994, before she scrapped it for Bedtime Stories.

However, Madge isn't done rocking yet, as she follows up with a rock version of "Ray Of Light"... I for one enjoyed it. I still prefer the original, but this version was a very cool change of pace.

She also gave us rock versions of "Let It Will Be" and "Paradise (Not For Me)" - the latter of which is Isaac's second appearance of the night.. In between, we get a very soft, almost folksy sounding "Drowned World/Substitute For Love", which she dedicates to all the people who have been there for her and helped mold her into who she is today...

Dancing Queen: And we close out the show with a few revamped classics, and one huge hit...

With the dancers now on roller skates, "Disco Inferno" with a little "Music" mixed in plays. Esther Madge returns and sings "Music" - not only a very energetic and fun performance, but definitely enhanced with her dancing and the dancers skating around. Definitely one of the highlights of the show!

Next we hear "Erotica", now as a very up-tempo, disco-sounding song, followed by a very different, more tropical-sounding "La Isla Bonita".

After that, two of Madge's dancers place her "Dancing Queen" cape on her, and we get her new, disco version of "Lucky Star"... Very, very fun twist on an old classic... Midway through the song, she goes right into "Hung Up", which has been slightly remixed but is still full of energy and fun - and becomes even more fun as Esther Madge grows frustrated with the fans on the floor not singing loud enough, and shouts "I can't hear you, motherfuckers!"

The show finally closes after two amazing hours with gold balloons falling to the floor, and Esther and the dancers dancing and walking off the stage...

Sadly, no encore... Regardless, I stood there for a few minutes, arms raised into the air, screaming some more after it was over. Absolutely amazing!

I spent pretty much the entire night on my feet: cheering, shouting, screaming, you name it. I don't know if I can rank this concert ahead of the first time I saw Sherrie Austin live, but it was definitely one of the most amazing nights of my life.

And, you know what? It wasn't over yet...

"Goodnight, And Thank You": Worn out after two hours of screaming, and an overall long day, I decided to unwind outside for a while. I chatted with some more fans, figuring I still have several hours to kill.

I ended up spending about an hour hanging out with a guy named Michael, and while chatting with him, one of the dancers (Norman) came out.

We walked over and chatted with him for a few minutes. I congratulated him on a great performance, and thanked him for being a part of such a special night to me. Not only did I snap a picture of him and Michael together (complete with Michael wearing Norman's pass as a joke), but someone else there snapped a picture of Michael, Norman AND me...

So, someone out there now has a picture of Maddy with one of Esther's dancers.

But, at this point, I decide to take a chance on an absolute longshot, figuring this could be the only chance I'll ever have...

"Like A Prayer"/The Encounter (~11:50 pm): I'm standing there, chatting with someone, when Michael says "Look to your left". I did.

It wasn't the one, two, three police motorcycles that caught my attention...

It wasn't the black sedan trailing those officers...

It was the person sitting in the middle of the rear seat, about five feet away from me...

Somehow, I managed to be good, and smile and wave, as opposed to smirking - as if to say "Hah hah! It's you, Esther! Do you know who I am?! I'm your Madonna now! Muahahaha!"..

And for about a second, we end up making eye contact.

No, it wasn't an autograph, a hug, a kiss or a hello. But at the corner of Georgia Street and Chick Hearn Court (rest in peace, Chickie), for one brief moment in time, I managed to cross paths with a woman I idolize and adore. For a few seconds, I was close enough to Madonna to be able to see her and recognize her - not on TV, not through binoculars, and not in a picture, but as an actual living person.

Yes, Virginia, there is a Madonna Ciccone. And to not only see her, but have her look back at me, will always be a special moment to me.

Concert ticket: $116.00
Round trip travel expenses: $30.65
Looking Madonna in the eye: PRICELESS

Goodnight, and thank you, Madonna.

(Edit: Corrected a few horrible typos, and added something that had slipped my mind. Sorry. I was beat on going on 30 hours of very little sleep when I originally typed this.)

Labels: I'll Give You A Cross, Madge Collecting, Madge Worship, Madonna encounters Madonna

Well, this is it... About 519 minutes left until a moment I've waited 20 years for...

I'm on my way out the door. I'll see you all again two days after the day before today.

Labels: Madge Worship, Madonna encounters Madonna

First off, again, I'm late on the Barkerisms, and will catch up on most of them before leaving Saturday.

However, you won't find them here - because you'll find them there.

That's right.. I figured that TPIR was getting so much discussion it may as well get its own blog. Now, it's still pretty raw - no links, no fancy template, but all the previous TPIR posts have been copied over to there.

Anyone who wants me to post their link there, contact me and it will be done once I get the chance to get the ball rolling on it.

That of course makes four blogs - this one, TMIRB, the Ken Jennings blog (which is on hiatus, and could be permanemtly based upon recent news), and the sports one (and I've paid so little attention to sports so far this year it's not even funny).

There will now be a new monthly feature here: The top 20 search strings of the month. That's right, now that I can access my stats, I now know what people are typing into to find my wacky little site.

And here's the top 20 for May, complete with my witty and charming thoughts:

1. loser (404: Page not found. Try looking in your mirror instead.)
2. madonna blog (Well, kind of, but thanks!)
3. debbie gibson nude (Sorry, we don't serve fried eggs here!)
4. bob barker (Bob is God!)
5. madonna blogs (Well, thanks again)
6. madonna (That's me! I'm cha-cha-cha-cha-cha... Delicious!)
7. madonna layout (Well, we have one...)
8. madonna layouts (...and only one.)
9. lourdes ciccone kabbalah (Who? Oh, her. I wonder if she's into Kabbalah, too?)
10. madonna controversy (Because there's live, there's Memorex, there's controversy, and there's MADONNA controversy)
11. madonna's blog (And thanks again)
12. peter tomarken (Rest in peace)
13. peter tomarken plane crash (Still hard to believe he's gone)
14. archibald wrig- (Go the distance!)
15. bob barker madonna (The king and queen!)
16. esther canseco (Sorry, Jose's first wife isn't here)
17. images of bob barker from 1986 (He was so cute back then!)
18. madonna's nicknames (Maddy, Madge, Emmy, etc. etc. etc.)
19. michael larson game show sounds (Stop at... a Whammy!)
20. pioneer sa-510 (Still need to get mine fixed up, huh?)

A few other notable search strings I saw earlier in the month:

"sherrie austin nude" (Good luck. And, no, I won't photoshop one for you...)
"bob barker bobblehead" (Where do I get one?! Gimme!)

Cute. Really cute.

Now, to move onto an issue that is irking the hell out of me, and I'm tired of biting my tongue about it. No, the media isn't all over Madonna's ass like a wet diaper again. It's just Hollywood stupidity that is flirting with sacrilige...

Let's step back into Maddy's time machine, and take a trip back to 1980. Ahhh, yes, 1980...

You could still turn on the radio and get good music. Hell, there was even good TV. Bob Barker was a mere 57 years old (he was so cute back then!), Johnny Olson was still shouting "Come on down!". And Jimmy Carter was still the president.

I was five, and in kindergarten. And Maddy would discover one of her lifelong passions, thanks to the TV. No, this time it wasn't Bob, or Wink, or Jack offering money and prizes to contestants.

It wasn't even a cartoon...

No, it was a young woman running around in a star-spangled swimsuit. Yes, boys and girls, it was none other than Wonder Woman, in one of those great, fun, campy TV shows we used to get before nasty humor and humilating reality TV infested our homes every night.

I loved the show. It was exciting, and fun, and could even be downright funny at times. And, of course, Lynda Carter just kicked so much ass...

Well, sadly, like so many other great TV shows (Star Trek, Quantum Leap, The Greatest American Hero, The Facts Of Life after Sherrie Krenn/Austin joined the cast), Wondie didn't last too long - axed after just three seasons, sadly. But, fortunately, she stayed around in syndication for a few years after that.

I've recently been getting ahold of the old episodes, which I hadn't seen in over 20 years (and in some cases, 25 years). Talk about a walk down memory lane...

But, Hollywood - old school Hollywood, washed up Hollywood! - has reared its ugly head yet again, and wants to take a big, steamy shit all over one of Maddy's fondest childhood memories: They want to bring back Wonder Woman in a live-action move.

Now, you know what that means here in the 21st century: Get some actress who looks good, can't act worth a shit, and is popular to pop on the ol' bullet-proof bracelets. Among the names tossed around have been Sandra Bullock (Sandra, I love you, but... no.), Carmen Electra (say what?), and... Lindsay Lohan?!

Lindsay fucking Lohan?! That airhead and her air boobs?! Why?! Because you think getting this trendy, no-talent, manufacted teen star will bring all the teeny-boppers to the theaters?

So, Maddy thought long and hard... Who could be the new Wonder Woman? I mean, maybe it's silly to you, but this question is almost as meaningful to me as what's the answer to life, the universe and everything...

Who could fill Lynda Carter's red and white boots? Well, I gave it some thought, and here are a few names of my own...

#3: Madonna. It sounded good at first, but then... No. She'd turn the transformation into some elaborate dance move... She'd want the costume replaced with leather or latex... And could you picture her with that magic lasso? "Tell me the fucking truth, motherfucker!", or even using it for something, uhh... kinky.

Worse yet, the film would never get a chance, just because it's Madonna - even though Madonna can do campy and cute (see: Who's That Girl?).

So, no... No Esther Madge. Sorry.

#2: Sherrie Austin. Okay, so I'm being biased here. I love Sherrie, and seven years ago, while drunk one night, Maddy had a little fun with PhotoDeluxe...

Well, after two hours of tinkering and toying, and cropping, and airbrushing, Maddy came up with this...




Now, take a look at that.. See, she'd make a perfect Wonder Woman, no?

Except, of course, for a few minor problems...

Like the fact she's about 5' even and isn't exactly built like an "Amazon"...

And the fact nobody has heard for her...

*sigh* So much for that idea, huh? Back to the drawing board...

So, recently, I'm browsing around online, and could across a picture, and the first thing that pops into my head is "Holy shit!". I pictured her in that tiara, and bracelets, and star-spangled swimsuit, and those boots, and thought "My god! She could be the next Wonder Woman! Amazing!"

And then, I sat here scratching my head.. Why the hell hasn't Hollywood noticed her? Why hasn't she gotten any consideration? Hollywood IS dumber than I thought...

I mean, take a good look at her... She's gorgeous. She could play the part. Just imagine her in the costume...



And there you go... My pick for the next Wonder Woman is... THE LAST ONE!

I don't give a flying fuck if she's two months away from eligible for the senior's menu at Denny's.. I don't care if she hasn't played the part in nearly 30 years... I don't care if she hasn't done anything successful in nearly 20 years... Lynda Carter STILL has it. She's still gorgeous, and I honestly think she could play the part yet again.

Besides, from what I've learned over the years, one of the biggest reasons Wonder Woman is so popular IS because of Lynda's portrayal. Bring her back, and you bring instant credibility and respectibility to this project.

Instead, you bring in a Lindsay Lohan type, and maybe you bring in the teeny-boppers, but you alienate your fanbase. The Lynda Carter fans won't touch that film with someone else's 20 foot pole.. Hell, I know I won't!

Besides, after a turbulant 90's where Lynda battled depression and alcoholism, what a comeback story that would make, and who doesn't love a comeback story - especially a comeback story involving a superhero?

And how fitting it would be, to bring back an ageless beauty to play an ageless Amazon...

So, wake up and smell the noise, Hollywood. You want Wonder Woman? There she is. She knows the role, she can play the role, and she'd help you make a KILLING with this film.

BRING BACK LYNDA CARTER!

And, don't worry, Maddy won't charge you a cent for her advice... Just take it. Please!

Labels: Barker Worship, I'll give you a search string, Madge Worship, Madonna encounters Madonna, Stone Cold Sherrie Austin, The Stormin' Mormon, You're A Wonder