I'm off to LA to take part in the day that has been 35 years in the making - literally.

Yes, Maddy will be in the audience for the 35th season premiere of The Price Is Right (Bitch!), which will be taped tomorrow.

It'll be a blast, and you can bet I will be sharing stories from this historic experience when I return.

Wish me luck. And best of all, wish that I get the chance to bid on Bob's pants again!

Labels: Barker Worship, Camp Barker, That's What Friends Are For

First off, the Queen Of Country is celebrating her birthday today!

Huh? What's that you say? Oh, yeah.. Shania Fucking Twain's birthday is today, too.. UGH!

However, that's not important (kind of like Shania herself). No, today is Sherrie Austin's 36th birthday!

Here's hoping that not only today is special for her, but that the evil music industry leaves her and her new album alone over the next twelve months!

Yes, that's right, Sherrie is actually working a new album. And you know what that means? Not only will Maddy have some great, special music to pass the time until Esther's next album (There should be a new law: Esther Madge and Pippa Sherrie must release albums every two years. One will get odd years, the other even years!), but that Sherrie has now likely tied that overrated buffoon Michael jordon for retiring THREE TIMES (the only question is whether she officially "quit" during ***5 and the early part of this year. We'll probably know in the next few months).

The only difference, of course, is this will make three comebacks. Put that in your Wheaties, jordon!

Of course, we once again look at the subject that won't die. No, this time, it's not The Cross, but The Former Planet...

I do truly have mixed feelings over our former ninth planet being demoted. On one hand, "eight planets" doesn't sound the same as "nine"...

On the other hand, the textbooks (at least when I was growing up) made it sound as our solar system consisted of nine planets, thousands of asteroids between Mars and Jupiter, and various comets (and I'll be a young, spry 85 when Halley's Comet returns. Oh boy!). Growing up, it sounded like there was a whole lot of nothing between Pluto and the nearest system...

Kuiper Belt? Oort Cloud? Trans-Neptunian Objects? They either had yet to be discovered, or nobody was certain of the existance of them at the time.

It is certainly interesting to realize that this solar system is bigger, and far more occupied, than I was taught while growing up. And to that, we can thank Pluto - because it was the discovery of this small, distant ball of ice and rock that led to studying what is BEYOND Pluto. None of us knew that dozens - maybe even hundreds - of TNO were orbitting out there...

Pluto may no longer be the ninth planet, but think of it this way: That now makes it the FIRST Trans-Neptunian Object, one that would be discovered DECADES before the others.

And, of course, among them, we have a Sedna, and 2003 EL61 - an unusual, oval-shaped object with two moons, and even a "Xena" (2003 UB313)...

Speaking of which, while Xena is cool (you can never go wrong with an ass-kicking chick in leather), there is something a little wrong with that picture. I mean, there's a TNO named Xena, but nobody has named one after ME?!

That does it! The next object discovered in the Kuiper Belt needs to be named the queen herself. What do you think sounds better? Madonna? Ciccone? Maddy? Her Madgesty? Nonnie? Material Girl?

I'm getting off track here, though..

What I do know is I have been fascinated with astronomy for most of my life. Space is cool, after all - and I know I can't wait until I get to go home to the planet I originally came from!

While Pluto may not be classified as a planet, it's still out there. It didn't disappear from the heavens on August 24. Instead of thinking of Pluto's demotion as an end, think of it as a beginning...

Percival Lowell and Clyde Tombough (a very interesting man who swore that he witnessed seven UFO sightings in the 40's and 50's) may not have discovered a planet, but they discovered an object that was the first of its kind, one that lead to further study - and discovery - in our own celestial backyard. Instead of fretting that their "discovery" isn't the same, think of it as one that became a trailblazer. What they discovered wasn't the ninth of (what they thought) was its kind, but instead the FIRST of its kind. Makes it pretty damned special, no?

And that, when you think of it that way, is actually pretty cool.

I know I can't wait to see what else is out there... Plus, I can't wait to go home. :P

Labels: One Way Ticket To Pluto, Stone Cold Sherrie Austin

Or, it seems that way, at least...

I'll lead off with the news (which, of course, got far less fanfare and hype than all the bitching and griping) that German officials have determined that Esther Madge's performance is NOT a crime...

Two words: No fucking shit!

On Monday, a German official stated that while Madge's performance might be "hurtful" to religious people, it is not a crime.

Well, you know, I find Terrell Owens' selfish, arrogant, abusive, me-first antics to be "hurtful", but that doesn't mean he's a criminal, either.

And Britney Spears' voice? EXTREMELY "hurtful", but you don't see me pressing for criminal charges...

Maybe this will finally put an end to all the whining and bitching about The Cross... Hopefully.

By the time you finish reading this, there will only be five planets in this solar system... You know, it is not nice to confuse Maddy so. I've spent 25 years thinking there were 9 planets revolving the sun, and now there's "officially" only 8?

I must admit, the biggest issue I personally have with the new classification of planet Pluto is a confusion issue. It's having to erase a quarter of a century of thinking over how many planets there were. Just as I'm still not used to referring to Jack Murphy Stadium as Qualcomm Stadium, or thinking of Esther Madge Ciccone as Esther Madge Ritchie, it's going to take some getting used to to think of Pluto as a "Trans-Neptunian Object" or "Kuiper Belt Object" or whatever the hell the official classification is.

What has amused me about all this, though, is how completely over the top some people have been about "protecting Pluto's status". No, I don't mean the people starting up petitions to have Pluto named a planet again, or the people who refuse to go along with the IAU ruling...

I mean there are people out there, claiming that the IAU's new definition of a planet means that Neptune, Jupiter, Mars and Earth aren't planets, either. Another person is claiming that every planet besides Mercury and Venus are "dwarf planets" because they haven't "cleared their orbits" (because they all have moons).

That's what I mean by being over the top.

I'm not sure what to think of Pluto as personally. I know I spent most of my life thinking of it as a planet. I also know there is a great deal we don't know about it.

What is kind of funny, though, is that early this year the US launched the "New Horizons" probe, a "mission to our last planet". And when it begins it's study of Pluto in about 9 years, it appears it won't be classified as a planet...

Whoops.

Regardless, this looks like it's about to become a bigger galactic controversy than Genesis was...

Most. Blasphmemous. Movie. EVER! Hollywood has, of course, been force-feeding us crap for years. But old school Hollywood, washed-up Hollywood reached a new low last week...

I've seen movies that have irked me. I've seen movies that have bored me. I've seen movies that have put me to sleep faster than Valium and vodka ever could. But never have I been as disgusted by a movie as I was over the promo I saw.

Imagine my shock and horror at seeing those two brain-dead, no-talent bimbos Hillary (who?) and Hayley (WHO?!) Duff, starring in a pathetic-looking, annoying-sounding film called MATERIAL GIRLS!

And as if I wasn't close enough to vomiting all over myself, there was the song... The ULTIMATE sacriligeous act... The worst fucking remake in history...

Because as if it wasn't bad enough seeing those two act like the ditzes they were (Wait... If they really are ditzes, then does that mean they're NOT acting?), I had to hear Hillary Duff, with her weak, whiny-sounding voice, singing MY song.

That's right: Hillary Duff has butchered "Material Girl"!!

Let me set the record straight, once and for all...

Yes, there really are two material girls on Earth. And, they are:

Madonna (reinvented as Esther Madge Ritchie). The Queen herself. The Mother(fucker) Of Reinvention. The biggest selling female artist in history.

And, of course... ME (reinvented as Madonna Louise Ciccone), the biggest-mouthed female blogger around, the Queen Of Sarcasm, Hell On High Heels herself...

There are NO "material girls" named Hillary and Hayley, or Tanzie and Ava (the names of the lame-ass characters they use to blasphemously attack Queen Esther).

If it's the last thing I ever do, I am going to send the Dumb - errr, excuse me.. Duff sisters on a one-way ticket to Pluto! How dare they shame us Material Girls! HOW DARE Hillary butcher THE Song!

YOU'RE NOT OF THE BODY!

Hollywood, you have officially reached a new low... Bring out the bulldozers and turn that place into a parking lot!

Labels: I'll Give You A Cross, Madge Worship, One Way Ticket To Pluto

Since later today, that noted criminal Dita will perform in Germany (and, of course, be watched by prosecutors via the media), I figure now is a good time to take one last look at Crossgate - For now... Until someone else throws a tantrum about it... - and the excessive whining we've had to put up with from the Righties over the last three months...

I had mentioned in my FIRST post on the subject that my friend Chris, at my suggestion, ranted about Crossgate on The Lounge, his weekly show on WYRM-AM back in May. Well, fortunately, Chris finally put an audio clip of the rant up on his MySpace profile.

An edited version of the clip (with only the Esther rant) is available here. Besides, I figured this was too good to not keep around, since Chris will probably rotate the clip off his profile in the near future.

Here is the transcript of what Chris said on the matter:

"If you spend any time or energy this week complaing about Madonna singing a song on a crucifix, then you are my Loser Of The Week.

Go ahead and call me and start complaining now... The reality is that there are so many monstrosities in this world, like preemptive wars without cause killing thousands of our best and brightest, domestic violence at an all-time high, and teenage pregnency continues to soar.

But you don't care about any of that, because some forty seven year old attention-starved bimbo jumped on a crucifix to sing a song.

Wake up and devote your energies to a cause that might save a life! Just because your boy Reverend Falwell and your string-pulling masters at Fox News tell you that it's an outrage doesn't mean you need to jump, you Kool-Aid drinking lemming! Make your judgements based upon what you believe...

Was it tasteless? Probably.

Did it really hurt you? Probably not.

If you only got so outraged about the real problems facing this world, you might not be such a LOSER!"

First off, let me comment on the "attention-starved bimbo" part. That was not only not nice, but not true. How dare you insult Her Madgesty so. You're not of The Body! YOU'RE NOT OF THE BODY!

(Actually, Chris wanted to originally call her a "forty seven year old washed-up has-been." Oy...)

And, well, as I've said before, I found the performance of "Live To Tell" to being a very powerful, very moving and very thought-provoking performance. I saw nothing tasteless about it. It's not like she was bumping and grinding, or screaming "FUCK THE VATICAN!" or anything like that. What IS tasteless is the manner in which she's being tarred, feathered, grilled and baked by the media over an ARTISTIC STATEMENT.

Now that I got my two grievaneces with Chris' rant out of the way...

I do completely agree with the rest of the rant. Isn't it amazing how so many people act like Esther's performance is some huge deal and worth getting worked up about - all the while, they don't give a damn about the war in Iraq, domestic violence and other REAL LIFE problems that affect their everyday lives?

What is more harmful: Madonna on the cross, or George W. Bush's domestic and foreign policies? Think about it... Really.

But, after all, it's far easier to gripe, bitch and attack an entertainer than devote time and energy toward real problems. Protest the war in Iraq? Naww... Just attack Madonna instead!

And, as I've said before, she's been a very popular target since 9/11 - since, after all, terrorists don't hate our country the way liberals do... At least, that's what Ann Cuntiergeist says.

Speaking of The Cuntiergeist, would someone please explain to me how everyone can sure raise holy hell over that evil, offensive cross that is responsible for all the sin in the world, but nobody in the so-called "liberal" media seems to give a flying fuck about what Cuntiergeist says?

I mean, let me share a couple quotes with you from the right wing streetwalker herself that I found about 10,000,000 times more offensive that a crown of thorns and a giant mirrored crucifix:

"U.S. soldiers who die in Iraq knew they would. Most of them couldn't get a decent job in the private sector anyway, so what does it matter? Someone has to die in a war, why not the poor?"

"Soldiers are just cowards with their backs against the wall. The lowest IQ men in our society, those incapable of normal careers enlist. Their choice in life; prison or the military. Some will have to die in the support of our cause."

How callous can you get? How vicious can you get?! Talk about a complete and utter lack of compassion and respect for human life!

Yet, The Right wants to tell the masses that it's the liberals who don't "support our troops" and "hate America". Well, I have yet to hear any famous liberal spew this kind of hatred toward our troops. They're sickened over the loss of life in the Middle East - both ours AND the tens of thousands of dead civilians. They want the war to end so NOBODY else dies - rich, poor, white, black, whatever.

But, when Ann Cuntier says something hateful and vicious like this, nobody in the press seems to bat an eye - because she's not only conservative, but their too busy gawking at her giraffe legs. It's perfectly okay, because she's a good "patriot".

Where's the outrage? Where's the anger? The Righties can attack people like me for opposing the war on the grounds I "don't support" the troops, but they don't give a shit when someone basically says they deserved to die and they were "worthless" anyway?

Really puts the Madonna bashing into perspective, doesn't it? Really makes them look like the band of self-righteous hypocrites they really are when they can go on and on about the fucking cross, but Ann Cuntiergeist gets free pass after free pass.

I mean, how many offensive comments has Esther made about our soldiers? How many times has she said they deserve to die? How much hatred has SHE spewed to the media since 9/11 (and, no, her performance of "Live To Tell" is NOT hatred)?

What the fuck is wrong with this world?

Labels: Bushwhacking, I'll Give You A Cross, Madge Worship, Presstitutes, Religious Right Ain't Right

Yep, it's August 16, meaning someone we all know and love (who died on the cross for our sins) is celebrating a birthday. Happy 26th birthday, Esther!

Wait... She's 48? 48?! Holy shit. Well, to quote the old woman who sat and watched Meg Ryan's famous "orgasm" scene in When Harry Met Sally... I'LL HAVE WHAT SHE'S HAVING!

Don't ask me how my twin sister from another universe is 17 years older than me. Must be another damned rupture in the space time continuum...

Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday Queen Madonna Esther Dita Madge Ritchie
Happy Birthday to you!

Next time you're in town, I'll be sure to bake you a cake...



However, there are no truth to the rumors that a horse was put down a year ago today for its blaspemous behavior... Of course, maybe Esther Madge is going to throw the horse one day as payback.. There's no doubt in my mind she could do so, too!

"Now, she has wonderful muscles." - Pavel Chekov

Labels: I'll Give You A Cross, Madge Worship

Stop me if you've heard this one before...

No, seriously. Stop me if you've heard this one before.

Apparenetly, someone out there is all worked up over Esther and The Cross.

I told you to stop me if you've heard this one before!

Seriously, though... Apparently, prosecutors in Germany - yes, PROSECUTORS! - intend to keep an eye on Madge's concert in Duesseldorf this weekend to see if she repeats the whole crucufixion scene, and have stated that her doing so could be construed as insulting religious beliefs.

Johannes Mocken, a spokesman for Duesseldorf's prosecutors, has said they will rely on "media reports" and NOT a first-hand account of the performance.

You've got to be shitting me. Prosecution?!

Of course, this isn't the first time Madge has been in legal crosshairs over her live performances. There were, of course, the threats of being arrested in Toronto back in 1990, over her simulated masturbation while performing "Like A Virgin".

But this has gotten absurd.

I mean, it's one thing for the media to have their panties in a bunch. It's another for the Catholic church to blast her, accusing her of an "act of hostility". But prosecution?!

Mind you, Mocken has also stated that the performance could be covered by laws protecting artistic freedoms, but the fact there is even consideration of criminal charges over her performance is completely fucking ridiculous.

I hope she goes on with business as usual, and says fuck them. I also hope these gung-ho, iron-fisted prosecutors pull their heads out of their asses. Get a fucking grip. Seriously. It's a performance! It's not like she's really crucifying someone!

So, let me get this straight... Prosecutors are not only considering going after Esther Madge over a PERFORMANCE, but they're going to base their decision upon media reports instead of witnessing it themselves? Nice. Nice to know that there are people outside of America willing to say "How high?" when the presstitutes say "Jump!"

What has left me shaking my head time and time again during her entire tour is the hypocrites running their mouths about her performance (ie. mainstream mediots, The Powers That Be in the Catholic church, German prosecutors) - who time and time again lash out at her over "intolerance" and "acts of hostility", yet seem to not think twice about their intolerance toward HER expressing herself and their acts of hostility toward Madge herself.

You know, it's like the Americans who stand on a soapbox, talking about how we MUST kill Arabs to bring them FREEDOM!, yet tell American pacifists like me to "Get the fuck out of America!"

What a bunch of self-righteous hypocrites the human race seems to have become. I guess it's not a trait exclusive to right-wing Americans after all.

What a nice birthday gift. That makes two straight years now...

Madge, please stay away from horses tomorrow.

PS: Like the new picture? :P

Labels: I'll Give You A Cross, Madge Worship, Religious Right Ain't Right

Apparently, in the summer of 2006, there is nothing more important to talk about. Not the Barry Bonds steroid scandal. Not the Floyd Landis steroid scandal. Not Ann Cuntier's vicious attacks upon innocent widows. Not Iraqgate. Not Bush's current approval rating of -%26. Not Mel Gibson's anti-semetic statements (though, of course, it's perfectly okay to fixate on his beard and drinking). And we sure as fuck can't waste our time discussing the fact Bill O'Lielly had the gall to say that Jennifer Moore got what she asked for when she was abducted, raped and murdered - because, after all, The Almighty O'Reilly is above criticism.

So, gee, let's fixate on the fucking cross some more. No, not the cross that "Christ" died on, but the cross made famous by everyone's favorite entertainer...

Yes, once again THE Cross is in the news, because - heaven forbid! - Esther Madge performed "Live To Tell" from it in Italy. And, once again, she was "condemned" by those stodgy old, blowhard assholes in the Vatican - because, after all, performing from the cross is the worst thing going on in the world today.

Quite frankly, I don't give a flying fuck what the Catholic church has to say. Your opinion, and $1.50, can buy me a cup of coffee.

Why should I care? Why should I care when you talk out your ass yet again, accusing Madge of "Christ bashing" and that her performance is an "open act of hostility", when you've spent more time riding her ass than you have lashing out at Mel Gibson - who is not only openly Catholic, but openly anti-semetic?

Or maybe THAT is why you're bashing Madonna yet again: Perhaps you're hoping that by getting everyone's panties in a bunch about the Material Mommy, you'll distract people from your very own freak, Mad Mel himself?

Or, then again, maybe you're not one bit bothered by Lethal Gibson because your views aren't that far from his own?

Regardless, you have about as much relevence to me as the World Cup, and you know why? Because when that sex scandal went down years ago, The Powers That Be in the Catholic church were far more worried with saving face and TRYING TO COVER THIS SHIT UP than taking action. You were far more concerned with sweeping a series of crimes and genuine sins under the rug to protect the church's reputation than taking a stand.

As someone who has been sexually assaulted, I found YOUR actions to be an "open act of hostility", far fucking worse than a singer on a mirrored crucifix. What Would Jesus Do, huh? Well, I think it's safe to say Jesus would be far more pissed off at your self-serving, arrogant, disrespectful and blasphemous handling of your sex scandal than Esther Madge Ritchie's performance.

Or, as Stephanie Miller recently said on the matter:

"What I'm shocked about is that anyone can still be shocked about Madonna. I'm shocked about that. And I think that a lot of our friends on the religious right are playing missing the point entirely. I think what she's talking about is what religion is supposed to be about and Jesus talked a lot about helping the poor and helping the needy and he said nothing about homosexuality. A lot of these gay-bashers on the right and people that are defending Mel Gibson's anti-semitic rant, it's kind of ironic that they're outraged by a Madonna show, that's covered by the first amendment."

Also, Stephanie came right out and said she wonders why the Catholic church isn't as outraged about priests molesting children as they are over this. THANK YOU, STEPHANIE!

Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Benedict. God must be dead if you're alive.

But, leave it to the media yet again to act like this is major, significant news. Because, after all, it's far easier to blast that liberal looney than blast people who really deserve it. Like:

George W. Bush, who is continuing to get people killed in his war of lies in Iraq - not to mention doing nothing while his friends in the oil industry loot America.

Ann Cuntier, who continues to spew venom and hatred at innocent people - like widows who lost their husbands in 9/11.

Mel Gibson, who now that he's a washed-up actor (like anyone would've given a shit about him had it not been for the Lethal Weapon series) has nothing better to do than drive drunk and attack Jews.

Bill O'Reilly, who had the nerve to sit there on the air and claim Jennifer Moore got what she asked for.

(And, can you imagine what would happen if Olbermann or Springer sat on the air and said a young woman asked for it because she was wearing a halter top and miniskirt? They'd be chased off the air. But, O'Reilly can say and do whatever he wants - spew hatred, physically attack anti-war liberals and sexually harass women - and gets his ass kissed by the rest of the presstitutes in this country.)

No, let's just go after Madonna some more. After all, Madonna is the antichrist. Madonna is evil. Everytime Madonna sings, people turn into terrorists. Everytime Madonna sings on the cross, someone dies. After all, Madonna on the cross is a far bigger threat to the world than George W. Bush, a far bigger embarassment to the Catholic church than Mel Gibson, and if she just went away, everything would be all better!

My ass.

Here's a thought: If you don't like Esther and the Magical Cross that has taken over the world's consciousness, DON'T ATTEND HER CONCERTS. DON'T WATCH THE CONCERT NBC WILL AIR. Just ignore it, and fixate on American Idle or Jessica Simpson or whatever.

But for crying out loud, quit acting like this is the biggest thing going on in the world today. It's a performance. One accompanied by some very real images and statistics in the background.

But it sure as hell isn't a scandal, and sure as hell isn't the biggest issue going on today - not even in the close-minded, self-righteous Catholic church.

And your pressitutes, shut up and save your criticism and piling on for those who deserve it.

I'll end this post with a cute picture, a screenshot of what Faux News viewers saw for a few seconds the other night.

During Hannity and Colmes, someone was standing behind Alan Colmes with a pro-Ned Lamont sign (he, of course, did us all a favor by sending Joseph Lieberman packing in the primaries. Good riddance, you fraud.)

Well, at just the right time, he spun around his sign to reveal three absolutely beautiful words:



I couldn't have said it better myself...

Labels: BALCO Barry, Bushwhacking, Hannity Sucks Ass, I'll Give You A Cross, Madge Worship, Presstitutes, Religious Right Ain't Right

I've been busy catching up on some things this last week...

First off, with a late donation, the final total came to $144 for the EFF. Thank you, Alane! :)

Quite honestly, I went into this thinking if I could raise $1-2 an hour, it was a success.. Instead, I raised $6 an hour. Awesome! Thank you once again to everyone who contributed last weekend!

For any of you sponsors who have yet to get an email, one should be coming soon. Cat has been dealing with more server problems.

Once again, Happy Birthday to Alfonzo, who had his big day on Thursday.

And, a Happy Birthday to my "cohort" from last week, Christine "Moose" McGlade. I'm sure we can find a nice GREEN cake for you! :P

Today also would've been my mother's 56th birthday. I do hope she is at peace... I still miss her.

And, with July now over, we can finally take a look back at the top 20 search strings for this site... Oh, boy!

1. loser (I see your mirror still isn't working.)
2. linda carter nude (Who's LINDA Carter?)
3. lynda carter nude (But doesn't she look hotter in that costume?)
4. madonna blog (This is MY blog!)
5. esther canseco (Sorry, I don't know Jose's ex)
6. britney spears smoking (Pot? Crack? Both?)
7. madonna layouts (Sorry, there's only one)
8. madonna smoking (Bad girl, drunk by six...)
9. bob barker (The price is right, bitch!)
10. britney smoking (She smokes 1,000,000 cigarettes a day. Or so she says)
11. debbie gibson nude (Sorry, I don't need an ironing board)
12. madonna's blog (Uhhh, yeah)
13. madonna blogs (Got enough of them, huh?)
14. madonna (That's me!)
15. deborah gibson nude (I'm blind! Sweet crackers, I'm blind!)
16. esther canseco pictures (Survey seeeeeeeezzzzzzzzzz....... *buzz*)
17. linda carter oops (Yeah, that's a Lynda Carter oops all right)
18. lourdes ciccone kabbalah (And I will name her... Mini Me!)
19. happy gilmore (I think you've had enough!)
20. happy gilmore- (No. Now you've had enough... bitch!)

Labels: Blogathon 2006, Gone But Not Forgotten, I'll give you a search string, Mi Vida Loca, That's What Friends Are For