It was nearly two weeks ago, while preparing for my most recent trip to Camp Barker, that I first heard the news of the massacre at Virginia Tech that claimed 33 lives (including the shooter himself). It goes without saying that my first reactions were of shock, horror and outright sadness to think that nearly three dozen people were killed doing something as routine as attending class.

Just like Columbine...

Not long after that, though, the questions began to form in my head, most of them beginning with the word "why".

Why would a person do such a thing?

Why is it that the more we do and the more we sacrifice to (supposedly) protect us from "evil from outside" that the less I feel safe from people inside our own country?

As far as the second question goes, I don't have a magical answer. I wish we could wave a wand and create a world without guns and violence, but I know this is a fantasy, just as gun control itself is. If guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have guns. It's no different than drug control, prohibition or Tipper Stickers. The people who really want "contraband" are going to obtain it, laws be damned.

The only real answer is to find a way to grow as a race (the human race) to the point where guns are no longer needed nor desired, to evolve into one where violence is no longer seen as a "solution" - because it's never a solution to anything. Sadly, to the contrary, I feel we are going in the opposite direction - one where guns are seen as cool, one where violence is often believed to be the ONLY answer.

The first question, however, probably haunts me the most, and the more I learn about Seung-Hui Cho, the more I find myself disturbed.

In the hastily assembled and rather sad biography of Cho, we hear about an awkward, shy, loner of a child who felt like a stranger in a strange world, one who slinked further and further into a shell, one where shyness and insecurity became replaced by anger and coldness.

We hear of a kid who never felt at ease in Virginia, and may have never felt at ease with himself.

What may be the saddest thing of all, though, was how he was shunned by his peers - ignored, and often teased and tormented. A kid who was slow to learn English, who was uncomfortable to express himself (especially verbally), and was taunted by his peers to "go back to China" for his struggles to grasp our language.

Another kid, bullied and hazed for the crime of being different.

Just like Columbine...

Perhaps it was the move alone that was too much for Cho. However, I can't help but to wonder if the years of torment and taunting planted the seeds which led to the ugliest massacre in our nation's history.

Just like Columbine...

Rest assured, I in no way support nor defend Cho's actions, just as I do not defend the actions of Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold on April 20, 1999. Murder is wrong. Violence is wrong. Responding to years of hazing and bullying by shooting up the school is not the right answer, no matter what you have been put through.

But could this have been prevented? Could fellow kids reaching out and helping him feel at ease, helping him with our language, making him feel it was okay to express himself during the 1990's have changed history? Could 33 people who were killed still be with us had Seung-Hui Cho been respected and treated with compassion?

Sadly, we will never know. But I for one can't help but to feel the answer probably would've been yes.

Columbine has eaten at me for eight years for the same reason. Behind the stories about black trench coats, Doom and Marilyn Manson, the truth surfaced: One about two kids who were different, who didn't fit in, and were subjected to years of hazing and bullying by their fellow peers. They were branded labels like "faggots", "devil worshippers" and were routinely accused of being into witchcraft. They were bullied by the jocks, looked down upon by teachers and faculty, and tormented by their fellow peers... Until they snapped.

(One of the mainstream corporate presstitute stories that has floored me all this time has been the one about "Marilyn Manson inspired them to do it!". Funny, because who was set to perform a concert in the area on April 25, 1999? Marilyn Manson! So why didn't they wait five days, see their hero, THEN open fire on their campus? Perhaps because it had nothing to do with Marilyn Manson, and this was just a convenient excuse to scapegoat a controversial entertainer. But, I digress...)

Klebold and Harris' actions were just as wrong as Cho's, as Bush's, as anyone else who feels the only solution to a problem is mass murder. But, again, did this need to happen? Did the seeds need to be planted?

What scares me most about both massacres is another question. Namely: This could've been ME. Why wasn't it me?!

I have walked a lot of miles in a lot of shoes over the years (some far nicer than others, but again, I digress). Sadly, that includes walking in the shoes of Eric Harris, Dylan Klebold and Seung-Hui Cho.

I know what it's like to be teased and tormented until you reach the breaking point, to be ostracized for being different and "not fitting in", to reach the point where you want to lash out in anger - either at others, or even yourself.

I was hazed and abused in school to the point I didn't want to live anymore, and even tried to take my own life because death sounded more appealing than another day in hell.

Yes, there is a reason I cynically refer to my last day of high school as "being paroled". It got so bad I finally tested out of high school at 17, figuring I'd rather go through life with the equivilant to a diploma than endure anymore of the nightmare. And, quite honestly, it's hard to believe June will mark fifteen years since I did so - especially because as it was all going on, I didn't think I'd survive.

Hell, things were so bad at one point I didn't attend for two years. TWO YEARS OF PLAYING HOOKEY.

To this day, I still want revenge, but of a different kind. I would give just about anything to show up for a reunion, whored up, with my "prom date" Madonna - and just spend the entire night smirking and flipping everyone the bird, saying "Look at me now, motherfuckers! Why don't you get down on your knees and kiss my fucking boots?!"

Think I could get Madge up for the idea?

Anyway, back to my point...

There were days I was so hurt, so angry, so tired of the shit I wanted to do something. Take my chair to someone's head. Smash up a classroom. You name it.

What didn't help was having very few friends, and basically no support from the faculty. They dismissed it all as "kids will be kids, you're going to get teased, live with it" and "You're so smart. Why aren't you doing better in school?". Well, assholes, let's see how well you do your job when you spend eight hours a day being bullied and harassed.

So, why wasn't it me? Why didn't I get fifteen minutes of fame by wasting half the school? Probably because I hate guns, and had no access to one anyway. And, even though I have a nasty temper and can lash out - even throwing an occasional punch - I have no wish to take anyone's life when it comes down to it. Sure, there are some of my former classmates that I'd give real money to have a real life hell in the cell match with, but I could never bring myself to take someone's life, no matter how angry I am.

A shame that three people have been pushed far enough to reach that point and take lives over it. A shame that it probably could've been prevented.

It is time to take the teasing and hazing out of schools. No, it is not free speech to traumatize your classmate because he or she is too different, too foreign, too smart, too whatever. Besides, try telling your teacher to kiss your ass, or sing the uncensored "American Life", or say "The price is wrong, bitch!" and see how far "free speech" will take you in school.

Administrators go on and on about how school is for learning, but they need to ask themselves how easy it is to learn when your day is spent being terrorized by your classmates. You want kids to learn? Create a safe, comfortable environment for them to do so!

"Kids are kids" and "kids are cruel"? Why? Because parents let them be? Maybe the time has come to stop that, too. Maybe it's time for parents to teach their kids to not go through life being cruel.

You know what would've happened to me if I decided I wanted to a mean-spirited little bitch that tormeted other kids? I wouldn't have been able to sit down without pain for a year after my mother would've been done with me. I didn't grow up mean because my mother wouldn't have let me grow up mean!

Instead of coming home with Burger King, plopping in front of the TV for American Idle and looking up porn on the Internet, try teaching your kids right from wrong. Try teaching them that kindness and respect are NOT signs of weakness, but of strength. Try teaching your kids to go through life with respect and consideration - even for those who are "different". And try teaching your kids it's okay to have a brain, so they don't go around writing up asignments in leetspeek, or accusing black students who want an education that "they're becoming white!".

This country boasts of being a melting pot. Shouldn't that include people who think and dress differently? Shouldn't that mean tolerance and compassion for foreigners who don't learn our language in 2.3 seconds? Shouldn't that mean teaching others it's okay to express themselves, even if what comes out of their mouth doesn't match what the sedated tabloid robots say - you know, the ones who have the impression they run society?

Besides, think about it. Do you really want to let you kid grow up to be another asshole? So that they can become an asshole as an adult, and become just like your bullying supervisor, or Karl Rove, or George W. Bush?

These seeds of abuse, anger and hatred not only affect now, but affect tomorrow. Karl Rove didn't just become an asshole. He's been one for a long time. Seung-Hui Cho didn't just become a killer one morning. That seed was planted a long, long time ago...

We have had three ticking time bombs go off in the last ten years resulting in two high profile massacres that have claimed nearly four dozen lives... Four dozen TOO MANY.

When it is going to stop? How many more young people need to be pushed and tormented until it happens again? And what happens the next time? Does the next one just decide "To hell with guns! I'm going to blow up the whole school!" - taking thousands instead of dozens?!

How many more need to be pushed over the edge in the name of "kids will be kids" and "Be more hardcore than thou"? How many more seeds do plant, risking another Cho or Harris or Klebold? How many more lives need to be ruined - both immediately, and long-term?

When does it stop? When will we as a race grow up and realize true strength isn't ostracizing and hurting people who are different, but reaching out in compassion and support?

Because until we do, it's only a matter of when, not if, another tragedy like this will happen.

The saddest thing is, I feel things are only getting worse.

Labels: A world gone mad, Bushwhacking, Gone But Not Forgotten, Mi Vida Loca

I've returned from yet another trip to the 8th largest city in California, the place where people from all over the country meet to share a homeless night together.

This, of course, was for a very special, unique taping: "A Celebration Of 50 Years On Television For Bob Barker". Of course, we would love to do this again in another 50 years, but Bob's career barely has another 50 days left in it.

We hit the line just after 5:30 pm on Monday, with Mike rather quickly apologizing for thinking we were crazy for showing up so soon...

See, we thought we might be near the front of the line. Not quite... Try #91 and #92.

The first person in line showed up at 9:30 pm.... SUNDAY. Which has got to be pretty close to the record for most time spent homeless in LA when you do have a home in history.

Of course, we know it isn't really the record. Because, when he went to go rent our chairs for the night, the guy running the bagel shop told us they started lining up at noon on Saturday for the Million Dollar Spectacular taping on Monday!

What was even more surprising is that some of the people in line had just gotten out of the MDS taping. Three days of being homeless in LA to attend two tapings? They are either desperate for a new car, nuts, or damned dedicated!

We also quickly found out they have moved the lines - they are now north of the gate on Fairfax, wrapping around onto Beverly. This became necessary because the lines are so darned long now they were blocking the Farmer's Market to the south. I would imagine this may also be the routine for the rest of the season.

After getting comfortable for about an hour (as comfortable as you can get in plastic chairs on Fairfax), we took turns going to pick up dinner at Subway. You'd have to imagine the local businesses are dreading Bob's retirement - though not for the same reason we are. They are making a killing in business off Camp Barker!

Then came the fun of settling in for the night. Easier said than done when:

1. People kept driving by, slowing down, gawking and asking "What are you here for?". Gee. You would think they've driven by Camp Barker more than once over the years and know exactly why they were there.

Believe me, I was becoming tempted to start tossing out stupid answers, like "We just got together on the Internet and decided to all be homeless together for the night!" or "This is a homeless people convention!" or something.

Of course, I'm not sure if I can complain about one of the gawkers. Let me say I am still up in the air about this, because my eyesight isn't great and my night vision isn't what it used to be, but...

A little after nine, someone drove by rather slowly in a dark Lexus, looking over at us. An elderly looking man that, if my eyes weren't fooling me, appeared to be none other than Bob Barker himself.

Hey, if I were Bob, I'd drive by and check out Camp Barker myself.

Maybe it was him. Maybe not. But if it was him, that was damned cool!

One person, though, needed to pay a little more attention to the road... because he hit Mike!

Around 10, we decided to walk down Fairfax and check out the line. Well, someone had their tent completely blocking the sidewalk at the corner. Mike steps down into the street to get around, and someone clipped him in his left hip with their side mirror!

He's fine, obviously, but was quite irked... Irked over the tent (which was eventually pushed back, after security saw how far it was), irked over the driver, and irked over the fact the driver just kept on going...

California drivers. Ugh.

2. Honking. That's funny, I thought they put horns on cars to warn people to get out of the way or look out because you may hit them, not to hit 20,000 times while driving past people waiting to get into a game show.

3. Shouting. Some of them were pleasant, though annoying, like "Bob rules!" or "The Price Is Right! Woo hoo!". Though, we got a few morons who wanted to show what big men they were by shouting insults at 20 mph.. "Fuck you! You suck! Fuck you! You suck!". It warms my heart to think the maturity challenged like him will be running this country in 30 years.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

4. Three star wanted levels. A police helicopter spent about 30 minutes circling the area, shining their spotlight a couple blocks away. I still don't know what that was about. I wish I had taken the time to count the round trips it took, though, because at one point I made the joke that the person nearest the actual number of circles is the winner!

Despite all this, I did manage some sleep this time, curled up on the sidewalk... Yes, an incredible two hours of sleep! Somehow, someway, I managed to function the rest of the time off that.

We had the usual chit-chat, filling the virgins in on the whole process, talking about Bob, and watching the line grow... Insanely slowly.

One big disappointment we both had was the line. We've seen 400-500 people turned away for a late January taping of the daytime show. We had MAYBE a few dozen turned away for a tribute to Bob Barker.

Where was the "I love Bob!" crowd?! Were they chased off because, oh damn!, only six people were going to be contestants, and only three pricing games were played, and the big wheel never came out?

Really makes me wonder.

All I know is this: Sure, I'd love to be a contestant. Sure, pricing games are fun. Sure, the big wheel kicks ass. But I don't care if they would've done NO pricing games, and it would've been a 60 minute love-fest for Bob Barker. I would've been honored to be there!

Around 4 am, I definitely needed something hot to drink. It was a little chilly, so I made my way over to the bagel shop and got a cup of hot chocolate - and a laugh. Because in the bathroom, above the toilet, is a sign "Hold the handle for 3 seconds when you flush. Remember it's a long way to Crawford, TX!"

I came out of the bathroom and thanked the owner for the laugh. He added "People voted for him, knowing what kind of president he was, because 'He was the only Christian running!' Yeah, well, he's the only Christian sending your kids off to die!"

I couldn't have said it better myself.

6:00 finally rolled around, as Camp Barker finally was awake. Of course, a couple people (right in front of us) decided to take a real chance by deciding that was the time to running their camping supplies back. Had they not gotten back soon enough, and their spot in line would've reached the pages, they would NOT have gotten Order Of Arrival slips and probably not gotten in.

They did get back, fortunately.

When we reached the front of the line, we were greeted by two pages. Brittany was giving out the slips, and Mark was answering questions. When I heard this, I decided it was time to be my usual wiseass self: "Mark, you're here to answer questions? How do I get a date with Madonna?! Oh, sorry... Not those kinds of questions."

He got a laugh out of it, though, meaning I did my job.

How short was the line, though? People who got into line as late as 6:15 am got into the show! 6:15?! After the cutoff point was basically 2:30 am for the January 30th taping?!

Ugh.

After we got the OoA slips, we decided to take a walk around the block to loosen up a bit, and returned to Television City around 6:30, where the security guard not only asked for our ID's (that's routine), but became the third person that night to question me over my Arizona iced tea bottle, thinking it was a bottle of something with a proof about zero.

Trust me, I am sure TPIR would be fun live while drunk, but I am not stupid to show up drunk. Why would I want to spend 12 1/2 hours on the streets to be denied entrance between I'm trashed?

With nowhere else to go, we killed 90 minutes at TVC, waiting until 8:00 for our priority numbers. Brittany was now wearing a nametag saying "Don't ask me!", and I should've walked up her and said "So I DON'T ask you how to get a date with Madonna? My bad!"

Finally, 8:00 am rolls around, and we're seated in order on the benches. We were definitely in good shape, once again getting #91 and #92 as our priority numbers - and once again facing two more hours to kill at TVC.

10:00 rolls around, and now CBS owns us for the bulk of the day. We figure that we must carry on tradition, and start chanting "Chuck! Chuck! Chuck!" (Chuck, sadly, works Dancing With The Stars on Mondays and Tuesdays... Booooo!). Brittany gives us an amusing run-through of the rules and regulations, tossing in a few jokes, so we decide afterwards to start chanting "Brittany! Brittany! Brittany!" - which didn't catch on, of course, because every attempt to chant a page's name besides Chuck's just hasn't worked.

Brittany had a sense of humor about it, at least. When she finally reached us to write out our nametags, she said "We should've known you two would be looking for Chuck!" and added "No need for that!", referring to the chants. "I don't need to be a celebrity 24 hours a day.", to which I added "No. Only 23 hours a day!".

Outside of doing the wave a few times, though, this crowd just didn't have the energy. No cheering, no screaming, no chanting the names of potential contestants walking around wearing their nametags.

After we all receive our famous TPIR price tag nametags, it's now time to wait for Stan to make his appearance and conduct interviews. He came out just after noon, and was his usual witty, energetic self.

This time around, though, there would be one big difference for the interviews. See, Stan normally interviews us in groups of 10-14 (the number seems to vary), and the cutoff for one of the groups was... me. Meaning I'd close out our group, and Mike would lead off the next one.

I think Stan tried to trip me up with mine, because here was how my interview went:

Stan: "Hi Deborah... Deborah! You're back! How are you doing?"
Me: "Hi Stan. Yes, I have returned! I'm doing great!"
Stan: "Here to win a million dollars today?!"
Me: "No, not today. I'm here to pay tribute to Bob! And you know what, if we keep meeting like this, people are going to become suspicious!"
Stan: "I think they already are!"

First off, the MDS was the day before. Nice try, Stan. Gotta wake up earlier than that to pull one on me! :P

I do hope he got a kick out of that, though. He's thrown enough witty comments at me that I felt it was my turn!

Mike led off his interview telling him about the hit and run the previous night. Stan, being the kind-hearted man he is, checked him to make sure everything was still there.

Finally, we're off to the side benches, where we get to wait to finally enter Mecca... Among one of the least lively crowds I've been part of. New groups of just-interviewed people would walk up, and only two people who cheer (guess who?). We'd tried to inject some energy, and people would just stare at us like we were nuts.

Mercifully, they rushed us into the studio a little early - we still had a few groups left to interview. A few others high-fived us. One of the pages did not, so I booed him.

Twenty-two steps later, my jaw hits the floor. It's not just entering The Bob Barker Studio, but... What they did to it for this show!

I can't tell you. I'd love to, but I don't want to spoil it. Besides, words cannot do this justice. But I was absolutely blown away, and I am sure any of you who see it on May 17 will have the same reaction!

I carefully make my way to my seat - carefully, because I didn't want to trip while paying more attention to the set than where I was going. We needless to say were sitting a bit further back than normal on this day, but the seats were still pretty good.

Though, the hopes that entering the studio would fuel the crowd were unanswered. Some of us got up on our feet to cheer and clap to the music, but most of the people weren't quite ready to flip the switch yet.

Roger Dobkowitz walked across the stage a few minutes after we got in, and got his first "Dob! Dob! Dob!" chant of the day. He took it in stride, as usual. I am sure it has to warm his heart to know after all these years, he finally has a fan club.

At last, it's time for Crystal Waters. You know what that means... It means Rich is on his way out! Of course, it also means that for fifteen seconds, only two people were on their feet - screaming, cheering, clapping and getting ready to party.

Yes... Two people! Mike and I were on our feet, while 330 others just sat there for five, ten, fifteen seconds... Hell, 30 seconds into it, we still only had about 70% of the audience on their feet.

Rich makes his grand enterance, and we greeted him appropriately... He, too, received the "We're not worthy!" routine as we chanted "Rich! Rich! Rich!"

He soaked in the applause, then told us to go ahead and sit. Rich quickly saw the two leaders of all that affection and said "Hi Michael! Hi Deborah!". Yes, let's just say we're getting to be known around Television City...

Rich goes through the warm-up (once again without the story about his first trip to see TPIR in person. Maybe because he knew I'd tell him he was 22 again?). And, at last, it's time...

Fire up Pink. Watch Marty Wagner groove. Listen to two bozos chant "Marty! Marty! Marty!"... See the look on Marty's face, like he's wondering what the fuck we're doing? C'mon, Marty... If you're going to dance to Pink at your age, expect to be shown some love!

We really got to work on Marty over the next two tapings.

Finally, it's time. Time to go nuts, because here comes The Man yet again!

Bob makes his grand entrance, to another thunderous "Bob! Bob! Bob!" chant and more "We're not worthy!" - because we sure as hell weren't worthy for a show like this.

As I said, this show was quite different. It was quite unique to see Bob walk over to the big doors after each pricing game to introduce a series of clips. But, I wasn't complaining. As I said, this was Bob's night, and it was a honor to share it.

The clips were a blast to watch... Some of which we've seen before. Some of which were new. Many of them had us laughing and cheering, though.

One I wish hadn't have been shown, though, was a brief interview clip about his pending retirement. My eyes were getting a bit moist, my lip was trembling and I was thinking "Don't do this to me yet, Bob! Please! We still have seven weeks to go!"

We had the usual fun and talk of memories past during the commercial breaks, of course.

Bob pointed out some notable names in the audience for the show. Gary Edwards (Ralph's son) and his wife were they. So were Bob's brother Kent, and Kent's son Bobby. So was Bob Boden (former head of CBS Daytime). So was the person who created the game 1/2 Off (didn't catch his name). And so were none other than John and Marc from golden-road.net!

All of them received two person standing ovations, of course. Gary got one on behalf of Ralph (rest his soul). Kent and Bobby got one on behalf of the whole family (especially those no longer with us). And John and Marc... Well, they took theirs in stride. They looked over and nodded at us (beyond a doubt knowing who those two standing idiots were).

And, of course, we were treated to Barkerisms...

Woman: "Can I get a kiss today, Bob?"
Bob: "Can't you see I'm working up here?! I'll meet you in the parking lot after the show!"

Man: "Bob, would you consider running for President?"
Bob: "No, not president. I'll tell you what I'm going to do after I retire. I'm going to get into bodybuilding... And then I'm running for Governor of California!"

Earlier in the day, Bob shook the hand of a 76 year old man named George. After another woman asked for a kiss, Bob told George to turn around and kiss those ladies for him. After that, I shook George's hand for the second time that day and said "You've had one helluva day, sir!"

Bob on more of his retirement plans: "I got myself a rocking chair. I'll sit down in it, with a shawl on me. A TV in front of me. I'll have my dog on my right, and be petting her. And in my left hand, I'll have tequilia!"

After a woman swore that her boyfriend looked like Bob when he was younger (and showed him a picture), he said "He does look like me. What a great looking guy. You better hold onto him!"

On the future of The Price Is Right: "When I retire from The Price Is Right, that's going to be it. The Price Is Right is going to end. In fact, television will end completely. You will just put potted plants in your TV's from now on!"

(No, the show is not going to end. That is a joke.)

One guy had a shirt, with an old picture of Bob on it. Bob told us the story of how that was a promo picture from just before he started hosting Truth Or Consequences, then added "I was so cute back then!"

On Happy Gilmore: "I've been into karate for years, and of course Chuck Norris was my teacher. I could never beat him in a fight. So once a week, he would show up and beat me up. When Adam Sandler told me he had written a fight scene for me in Happy Gilmore, I was reluctant to take the part. Then he told me I'd win the fight, so of course I took it. I finally got to win in a fight!"

Bob, after he had a hair out of place: "The woman who does makeup wanting to pull it out. I told her no way! I am guarding my hairs with my life!"

After congratulating and saying Happy Birthday to a woman celebrating the big 9-0: "I love it when there are people in the audience older than me!"

We had a blunder during the taping of the first showcase. They stopped tape. Bob asked the contestant "Okay, so what do you bid on that showcase?" The contestant said "One dollar!"

Rich got in on the act himself, during a break in the taping... "Anyone here watching Dancing With The Stars? When it started, I thought Heather Mills didn't have a leg to stand on. Now I'd say she has a leg up on the competition!". Despite that off-color joke, though, he did say he thought Heather was a fine dancer.

Rich was asked if he was going to stay on after Bob leaves. "That's a good question. Let me ask a CBS executive. Les? Bob? Someone? I have a question. Well, there are a number of CBS executives at that table, but they're busy. I'm wondering myself!"

Overall, a very fun, very special night. A lot of love in the air - especially once the audience got it going.

The episode, again, will air in prime time on May 17. Definitely worth a watch.

Labels: Barker Worship, Camp Barker, You Will NEVER Stop The Dob

Before I ramble on about the latest bit of news to put me in a sour mood, let me at least share a little good news.

First off, we did receive the tickets for Tuesday's taping. Mike will be down Sunday (possibly after taking a brief detour to check out Camp Barker for Monday's MDS taping, depending on how long his layover in LA is). We'll head to LA Monday afternoon, spend another night homeless in LA, then attend what appears to be Bob's final prime time taping.

The prime time special (which should air on May 18) apparently will consist of three pricing games, and plenty of clips and reminiscing galore. Should be a lot of fun, though.

We also received our tickets today for the May 17th taping. That was one of the three dates we've requested tickets for (along with June 5 and June 6, as we were not sure at the time which might be Bob's last show).

If all goes well, we should get the June tickets in 2-3 weeks. Here's hoping so.

I'll keep everyone posted.

With that said, let me rant a bit about something leaving a sour taste in my stomach: Namely, the direction that Esther Madge's new album appears to be heading in...

I think it goes without saying that I'm not exactly a hip hop fan (in fact, I'm what you can call the opposite of a hip hop fan). A great deal of it is the garbage lyrics (you know, the kind of lyrics that are perfectly okay for Snoop Dogg and 50 Cent to sing, but get Don Imus fired). But it isn't just that. It's the annoying beats, the lack of feeling, and the fact that when you come right down to it, hip hop is not music.

Or, as I've been saying for years: Rap and hip hop have taken the rhythm out of rhythm and blues. (Not to mention they do a fine job of giving me the blues by putting me in a foul mood.)

So, as you can imagine, it does not warm my heart to hear the list of people collaberating on Madge's new album: Pharrell Williams, Timberland, Swizz Beatz, Felix Da Housecat.

And now news she's working with Justin Timberlake? Justin Motherfucking Timberlake?!

Joy.

And then we get quotes like this, from "a source": "The last album was a credible disco record and Madonna wants to give hip-hop the same treatment this time."

Let me state right off the bat: Hip hop and credible do not belong in the same sentence. Hell, fuck that: They don't even belong in the same paragraph! A credible hip hop album? John Lennon couldn't do a credible hip hop album if he was still alive, and we're talking about a man who could make just about anything credible (and incredible)!

Not to mention I'm now having nightmares. We've heard Madge try to rap. I love the woman, but that was painful. Does this mean we get to look forward to more of it?

Some of the fans are trying to be optimistic. They're looking at this with the hopes of this album feeling like Bedtime Stories, which was co-produced by the likes of Dallas Austin and Babyface. There was a big difference, though: Both had done credible R&B work, and the album had a definite R&B feel to it, which worked very well. Nowhere were quotes being thrown around about taking the album in a hip hop direction.

And, I repeat (for emphasis): Rap and hip hop have taken the rhythm out of rhythm and blues.

I hate to say it, but my early impressions are that this album will sound like a blatant attempt to capture America's 16 to 25 crowd by sounding like the rest of the crap America tries to pass off as mainstream music anymore. Music that, quite frankly, makes me feel like I'm going to lose my lunch and gives me the desire to puncture my eardrums.

Madge's fans love her for doing something unique and different. Madonna is a leader, not a follower. Madonna has gotten to where she is by doing her own thing, not taking Gwen Stefani's and Nelly Furtado's sloppy seconds.

I know, we're still several months away from the release of Whatever Her New Album Will Be Called. But so far, I am not impressed.

Disappointed might be a better choice of words.

You know, this marks the second time in four years I've faced an upcoming release from one of my favorite artists not with joy and anticipation, but with apprehension and the expectations of disappointment.

There was of course the summer of ***3, when a friend obtained a copy of Sherrie Austin's Streets Of Heaven. He gave a less than glowing review of the album (and even arranged for me to listen to the album before it was released).

Needless to say, after the high that was Followin' A Feelin', Streets Of Heaven (sans the title track and a few other promising songs) was a disappointment.

After going with a more traditional sound, and a more "raw" feeling with the production, SOH had a much more slick, pop feel to it - no doubt in large part to Dann Huff (who also works with Faith Hill, and previously had worked with pop artists like - ironically - Madonna). Many of the tracks sounded and felt the same, Sherrie's vocals were unnecessarily slicked up and subjected to digital enhancing (I've heard her live. Trust me, the woman doesn't need it!), and a great deal of the album seemed way too bass-heavy. Instead of feeling like a Sherrie Austin album, it felt like a Sherrie does Faith album.

I loved Sherrie's first three albums (especially Words and FAF). SOH was a disappointment compared to her previous work. Not only was I disappointed with the sound, but it didn't feel like her own work. It may have been Sherrie's vocals, but it didn't feel like it was truly her music.

So, it's understandable to have serious apprehension about Madge's upcoming album with all this news. In the last four years, I've had three big album releases by my two favorite artists. One disappointed me (Streets Of Heaven), one thrilled the hell out of me (Confessions On A Dance Floor), and one has me worried thanks to all the news coming out.

I know she's Madonna, and once she decides to do something she'll do it, and damn the consequences. But I can't help but to worry that come November(?), she's going to release an album that doesn't feel at all like a Madonna album. For what she has lacked as far as vocal range and songwriting depth over the years, she has made up with creativity, passion, and recording an album that even if it seemed radically different (like Bedtime Stories), it always sounded and FELT like a Madonna album.

Instead, is she about to release an album that leaves us wondering if the truly one of a kind Madonna has decided that she doesn't want to be "Madonna" or "Esther", but "Nelly Furtado" instead?

Maybe it's true. Maybe she really has decided she's too busy to be creative. And if so, that's a shame. Because I don't give two shits about Nelly Furtado or Fergie or any of today's current artists who just release the same old crap. And I'm not going to be overjoyed about the same old crap, even if it's Madonna singing it.

To put it bluntly, there is a reason I don't care for today's music: Because it sucks ass.

Just as Dann Huff took away some of Sherrie's soul on Streets Of Heaven, I fear this Timberland/Williams/Swizz/Felix/Timberfuckinglake syndicate is going to do the same with this new album.

If this is about appealing to American tastes: WHY?! America's tastes suck ass, Madge. This is a nation that considers crap like Snoop Dogg to be art, that considers American Idle to be must see TV. So you're not selling here? Consider that a badge of honor! People here wouldn't know art if it had the common courtesy to give them a reacharound while screwing them up the ass (which our so-called entertainment DOES do, sans the reacharound).

I guess I'm puzzled, and wondering what happened to risk-taking Madonna - the one that dared to give us Erotica, and even American Life (which despite being a disappointment, was still damned gutsy of her). Same shit, different voice isn't gutsy.

Maybe I'm disappointed over nothing.

Maybe Madge - who in the past has treated album projects like nuclear secrets - is feeding us bullshit to keep us on our toes.

Maybe this album will wind up as widely distributed as her shelved 1994 rock album (a shame, because I am sure that would've kicked some ass).

Maybe despite this damned syndicate, the album may turn out to be truly good (though, that's debatable, as everything else Justin Timberlake has ever touched has sucked total ass).

It's a little hard not to be skeptical and worried, though. After Streets Of Heaven. With the fact Sherrie's career may be over. After Arnie's retirement. With Bob's retirement looming.

Maybe I'll be surprised. Or maybe it's time for me to face the fact that music just sucks anymore, and that if John Lennon was still around and recording, his magic would have faded away.

I'll give the album a shot. I just hope this isn't my second letdown in four years.

Labels: Barker Worship, Camp Barker, Hard Candy Never Happened, Madge Worship

It's been my wish for the last couple of years to have some fun around here on April Fool's. Of course, something always seems to get in the way, and this year was no exception. Recovering from the cold and the tooth extraction, I was too damned worn out to even care on Sunday. Sorry about that.

Maybe next year... :P

As far as a few general bits of miscellenia...

Out with the old: I am recovering well from the oral surgery. I'm back to eating fairly regularly. I'm back to my favorite bad habit without any issues. The only real biggie is brushing: I'm doing my usual routine of scouring the hell out of my mouth, except for the area where the tooth was pulled, which I'm subjecting to light brushing 5-6 times a day, followed by rinsing with salt water. I'll probably be a bit nervous about that until the stiches come out.

I don't miss the pain I was in, though.

In with the new: I am expecting the latest addition to my collection any day now (yeah, I ordered those 4" heeled thigh-highs). I was pretty down on myself over the weekend, between the tooth, how lousy March was, and just plain feeling old...

The just plain old: I don't know if it was me being sick and my spirits being down, or what, but I just spent more time lately reflecting on the past than normal...

Was it really TWENTY YEARS AGO that I was awaiting "Who's That Girl?", and playing Esther Madge's entire collection (all three albums) until I wore the tapes out? That the latest hit from The Queen was "La Isla Bonita"? That I finally saw Desperately Seeking Susan for the first time?

Not to mention sitting back, and thinking about some of the songs that were hits in 1982 and 1987 - 20 and 25 years ago - and thinking "These songs would never be hits today. Not fucking 'hardcore' enough."

That we're closing in on the 20th anniversary of Bob Barker shocking the world by letting his hair go grey, and 30 years since THE Yolanda Incident?

Where has time gone? Just the other night, I was talking to a friend, speaking up once again about feeling old. Not old physically (outside of the recent ailments, I physically feel younger than I have in years thanks to the diet), but mentally.

News like hearing yesterday that Arnold Palmer is now going to be hitting the honorary opening tee shots at the Masters from now on doesn't help. I know he is 77, and just recently retired, but wow... From someone I grew up watching, to a retired ceremonial golfer.

I really just wish I could find the slow motion button - or better yet, rewind.

Surprise, for here I come: As some of you know, it is my hope to make two final trips to the Bob Barker Studio before Bob's retirement: May 17, and June 6 (The Grand Finale). And those depend on whether we can still get tickets (I will keep everyone posted)...

But I received news that I may very well be appearing to one previously unscheduled taping, and possibly a second.

Mike posted on the forum, asking if anyone had any extra tickets to the two tapings for the May prime time specials which will tape this month (the first is one last Million Dollar Spectacular, the other is a prime time tribute to Bob).

I received word that it appears that we will be receiving tickets for the tribute show, and that they should be sent off to him in the very near future.

While this show will be different (three pricing games instead of six, with lots of classic clips and reminiscing), it would still be an incredibly special day to be in the audience to pay tribute to Bob for a show like this.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this is a done deal, and that we get the tickets okay. Again, I'll keep everyone posted.

If we should score tickets to both tapings (which will be taped on back to back days), I'll do it. I would imagine this will be an exhausting experience, and it'll kick my ass, but I'm gonna do it. These truly are once in a lifetime oppotunities (much like how I viewed the concert last June - except I do expect Madge to tour again, and if she does, I WILL BE THERE.). There will be only one prime time tribute show to Bob, and this appears to definitely be his last MDS.

To paraphrase Jim Seals and Dash Crofts: We WILL never pass this way again.

Besides, if we score the May and June tickets as well, these surprise April tapings will give me one (or even two) more chance(s) at the impossible dream.

It's just hard to believe that after thirty five years, we have just two months left to go.

Time really doesn't go by so slowly, so slowly, it seems.

On one last game show-related note: Elaine, good luck this weekend! I hope you give me a chance to watch Deal Or No Deal one last time!

...And rub Howie's bald head, of course.

Labels: Barker Worship, Boot Worship, Camp Barker, Madge Worship, Mi Vida Loca, Smoking In The Girls' Room