Because after all, you haven't really made it to the top until you've made it onto MAD.

Listening to: "Love On The Run" by Emmy & The Emmys

Labels: Blogathon 2007, Madge Worship, Parodies, Reinvention

After all, I have more than a little experience with audience participation.

Really.

So, any suggestions on any off the wall thing I should post?

Off the wall Photoshop job?

Off the wall thing to do?

Just try to keep this limited to something I'm familiar with. In other words, don't ask me to write a 2,000 word essay on Harry Potter, or weave a giant web in New York City or any shit like that.

Outside of keeping it to something I know, never let it be said that Maddy doesn't try to please her fans. :P

Labels: Blogathon 2007, Mi Vida Loca, Reinvention

I'd sell my soul to look like this when I'm closing in on 50.

Well, except for the muscles. While I admire Martina Navratilova, I don't want to resemble her. I don't think the bodybuilder look goes good with exotic boots. Then again, on second thought, Madge seems to love boots almost as much as I do...

Still, Madge.. I honestly want to know your secret. What are you on, and where can I get some of it?

Are you on some sort of miracle drug we don't know about?

Did you find the fountain of youth?

Could it be all the smoking you did over the years?

All the swearing?

Surely you can share your secret with your twin from a parallel universe?

It's not like I'm asking you to turn me into a good singer. After all, you're Madonna, not a magician, or an escalator, or a bricklayer, or a moon shuttle conductor, or an engineer...

Listening to: "Who Do You Want To Be Today" by Oingo Boingo, "Lucky Star" by Queen Madonna

Labels: Blogathon 2007, Boot Worship, Madge Worship, Reinvention, Smoking In The Girls' Room, Star Trekkin'

The latest question/contest on Blogathon asks about our favorite place. That's a heck of a question.. Mind you, it's a little early for a question like that :P, but it's still a good one.

I think I'd have to go with Madonna's bedroom.

Hah! I'm kidding, of course... Really.

My favorite place isn't so much a real place, but an idea... A dream.

A place where there is no hunger, hate, war or disease.

A place where people can express themselves, and say what they think and feel without fear of persecution, harassment or retaliation.

A place where there is truly mutual respect for each other, where people work together to make the world a better place instead of working to make themselves wealthier or more powerful.

A place ruled by love and compainship, as opposed to one ruled by hate and greed.

Yes, it's a dream. And it may not happen in my lifetime - maybe never. But that hope is one of the things that keeps me going everyday...

Sometimes it isn't so much an idea as a time. There truly are times I wish I could step into the past, to a world where my parents are still alive and some of the harsh lessons of life hadn't yet taken place. I do admit, that is a big part of my 80's obsession. It isn't just the music, or the TV, but a part of my life that's in the rear view mirror...

But, as far as a real place? Lately, it really has been the Bob Barker Studio. Seriously...

Sometimes (okay, a lot of times), I can be a tense, nervous and extremely introverted person - even online. I must admit that one of the things I love so much about this blog is I get to act out and express my inner wildness in the name of "playing a character" - something I often don't have the courage to do.

But I show up at Television City and act like a maniac. Maybe it's the excitement. Maybe it's being around 320 other maniacs. Maybe it's a real life trip down memory lane, even for a few hours. Maybe all of the above...

But for a few hours, I crawl out of that shell, whether it be talking to, cheering on and high-fiving total strangers - or congratulating a total stranger after winning a $63,000 showcase...

I have fun and don't worry about what people think - probably because they too are having fun in the same way.

And the best part is: I don't even need to drink to loosen up that much!

It's why I keep going back, and will even should I get picked to be a contestant by some chance...

That, and of course, to bid on Bob's pants.

Currently listening to: "25 Or 6 To 4" by Chicago, "Take Me (I Want You)" by Emmy And The Emmys

Labels: Barker Worship, Bidding On Bob's Pants, Blogathon 2006, Camp Barker, Emmy Worship, Reinvention

Now, I am sure there is widespread panic in the streets. People are fearing the worst. So, let me go ahead, speak up and ease your fears.

Madonna is not losing her religion. She is not abandoning the path that brought her to this point. And I can assure you she is not changing her name...

Esther, on the other hand? Well, we'll see. Only time will tell...

Seriously, though. If Esther Madge is about to burn her red string and flush her Kabbalah water down the toilet, obviously there is going to be some concern about the future of this blog and THIS Madonna - since, after all, it was Kabbalah and "Call me Esther" that inspired all of this in the first place...

Let me assure you, this blog is going nowhere. There is no intention to re-reinvent myself or abandon my Madonnahood. I like it here. I like my new name, and new image. Besides, let's look back to the infamous Strange Forums post from June 18, 2004:

"I'm a little bit irritated that people think that it's like some celebrity bandwagon that I've jumped on. I'm very serious about it."

And, I am just as serious as ever.

Besides, she gave up the name. It's MINE now! Tough titties, Esther! She will just have to pick a new name now. She can be Deborah Gibson or something...

Okay, I'm kidding. That was mean of me, actually. She doesn't deserve that kind of pain and suffering. :P

Seriously, though, this article has helped prove a point I was trying to make a few weeks ago when it comes to the media: They report one thing one day, report the opposite the next, and expect us to buy BOTH stories.

I am, of course, talking about the "Madge dumps Britney over Kabbalah" stories that flooded the mainstream corporate tabloid press a few weeks ago. I mean, nevermind the fact that the story itself didn't pass my bullshit detector. Madge hasn't dumped Debi Mazar. Or Stella McCartney. Or her own family.

And all of them are about as much into Kabbalah as I am...

I've never ruled out the possibility that Esther Madge did dump Britney, but if so, I can't picture it being over religion. I mean, those noted Kabbalahists Debi and Stella must be quite shocked to find out that you can only be Esther's friend if you wear a red string...

Of course, the reason I'm still not sold on the original story is Bitchney hasn't taken the next step, the step you must take if you've had a falling out with Madge: The tell-all, dish-the-dirt, fuck-you-Madonna interview. No, she's instead been crying about all her attention (attention she brought upon herself, of course).

That, among other things, causes me to doubt the "Britney dumped" stories...

Then add to that this latest bit of fun. It makes about as much sense as it would if I were doing the following six weeks ago:

1. Maddy is making plans to attend Esther's concert, getting ahold of the ticket, getting ahold of some money to buy some merchandise, and figuring out how to get there and back.

2. All the while, Maddy is planning to start a large bonfire to burn all of her T-Shirts, posters and CD's because she hates Esther again.

See how much sense that makes? It makes no sense at all. I'm doing one thing one second, and doing the exact opposite the next.

I'd say that trying to buy both stories is stupid, but that isn't good enough. An old friend of mine used to say there is "stupid", and there is something worse: STOOPID. That's right, stoopid.

Well, believing that Esther is dumping friends over religion, a religion she is disenchanted with, is STOOPID.

Mind you, this story could be bullshit, too. Who knows? Both of them set off the bullshit detector, to a degree, though the "Losing her religion?" one does far less to set off the bullshit alarm than the "No red string = no Britney" one...

Not only does the evidence with the Bitchney reports not add up, but this after all would not be the first time Esther Madge has grown disenchanted with a religion and left it in the dust. After all, this was the woman who used to wear crosses all the time and be almost as passionate about the Catholic church as sex.

A decade later, of course, she felt about as warmly about The Pope as I feel about The Bush.

And, to be honest with you, I had always pictured her ditching Kabbalah at some point, and for a number of reasons: She'd discover it wasn't what she was looking for, something would happen that'd leave her unhappy and disenchanted over it...

And the fact I'd always felt she was being used by the likes of Phillip Berg.

I've always had a feeling if there would be a divorce from Kabbalah, it would likely be very ugly, and from the sounds of it, it will indeed get ugly if she leaves.

A shame. Despite my own doubts about the "religion" and the people pulling the strings, I had kept my fingers crossed that she would find what she was looking for, and it would bring happiness and peace into her life.

If she is indeed about to say goodbye to red strings and overpriced water, then I do hope she finds what it is she's looking for.

That being said, you can't have your name back. It's mine. You're stuck with me. You can't get read of me that easily!

But, seeing as how you still love "Erotica" (so much so there are rumors that she will re-release the new mix of it as a single), you can go back to being Dita again. Yep, that's perfect... You can bring back Dita.

Besides, you already have the boots for her. :P

Labels: Boot Worship, Madge Worship, Reinvention, Sinead O'Britney

And welcome to Anniversaryville, population 3 - and counting... Happy Anniversary, Rob!

It was two years ago today that someone was born. Or re-born. Or... re-invented.

Let's all take a quick trip back to June 17, 2004 - the night before that fateful day.

I was on the phone with.. well, he's not quite a friend anymore, sadly. We're chatting away about shit when out of the blue, he says "Hey, did you hear Madonna has changed her name? She wants to be called Esther now."

Now, at this point, I was still in my "Ehhh. Madonna's okay, I guess" stage, but even I was shaking my head at this one. Huh? What?! ESTHER?! You're not an Esther, you're a Madonna!

Oh, dear... what would the world be without Madonna?!

Much to my surprise, I kept thinking about this throughout the night. I woke up insanely late (as I did all summer long in my old, A/C-less apartment, to avoid the heat as much as possible).

Well, at 6:30, I start walking to the store, and after a couple blocks, I must've freaked everyone out, because I was standing there doubled-over in laughter. Because it was there in the middle of that shit-hole city that an idea came to me, thought for the very first time...

"Okay, so you're Esther now? Nice to meet you, Esther... I'm MADONNA!"

I giggled the whole time in the store, anxious to get home and make this a reality... I mean, you know it had to be good to have me giggling in a grocery store, at 6:30 in the morning, while in the midst of a major depression.

So, I return home, and sneak onto the late Strange Forums. Thanks to my Administrator access there, I was able to sneak into the Control Panel, and change my name - which was Cecelia, inspired by the patron saint of music, due to my long-winded rants about the evils of the music industry.

Ironically, it was fitting that the re-birth began there, with that account, as the original name on that account was Marty McSorley - the first time I ever spoofed a celebrity online...

After changing my name, I see that another moderator is online. Moderators can see everyone who's online, even when hidden, so I fire off a quick private message to her, saying "Shhhh... I'll let everyone in on the fun soon enough. Don't blow the surprise!"

Next came changing my picture, and that wasn't a tough choice. So, a few quick minutes to shrink it down to size...

After doing this, I then take a certain Reuters article, change a few key words, crop a few things, and this was what everyone on the forum was greeted with - my first post as the NEW me:

Assuming a newly outrageous public image more in keeping with that of a "Material Girl" than a saint of music, poster Cecelia says she has adopted the name of Madonna.

The poster, formerly known as Cecelia, recalled that she was very young when Madonna first hit the charts.

"I wanted to attach myself to another name," she said according to excerpts from the interview released by GameOvr Radio on Thursday. "This is in no way a negation of who Cecelia was. ... I wanted to attach myself to the energy of a different name."

The 29-year-old poster insisted that despite her celebrated crusade against the music industry, she has decided to try the raunchy pop vixen image that has been so popular over the last two decades.

"I have decided to try, you know, taking my clothes off and being photographed, saying bad words on TV, and, you know, that sort of thing," she told GO Radio. "I hope I don't regret it, but it's just ... I mean everybody takes their clothes off now. And then what? You know? And -- and then what?"

Acknowledging that blatant sexuality have drawn criticism in some quarters as a celebrity trend, Madonna said her practice of it is sincere.

"I'm a little bit irritated that people think that it's like some celebrity bandwagon that I've jumped on," she said. "I'm very serious about it."

At the time of this "re-invention", I had no idea how long it'd last. A few days? A few weeks? Maybe a few months? Surely not... years!?

But, then a few months later, this blog was born (complete with a profanity counter and nudie pictures of me)... Followed by posting on more forums as Maddy, followed by new AIM screen names, followed by a MySpace profile...

Two years ago, it started off a small joke, and now it's become an enormous one!

But, how can it be all bad? It's brought me much joy and amusement... It re-opened my eyes to the greatness of Esther Louise Madge Ciccone. It caused me to go back to my roots and become an even bigger Madonna fan than I was in 1986. And it's helped me encounter so many great people online - and amuse those I'd already known.

Besides, it's always better to be a Madonna than... Well, my former name. Why? Because everyone laughs at "Debbie", but we all laugh WITH Madonna!

Here's looking at many more fun years...

Happy re-birthday to me. And thank you, Esther!

Edit: And the anniversaries just don't seem to end...

Today is the 20th anniversary of one of the most popular and controversial songs of the 80's - "Papa Don't Preach"!

The song stirred up controversy within the Catholic church (what else is new when it comes to me?), and was supported by all our wonderful pro-life (ie. anti-choice) conservatives, like that bitch Tipper Gore - who, of course, blasted me for my "vulgar" lyrics a year earlier, for such "controversial" songs as "Dress You Up".

(Anyone got a Tipper sticker to gag Mrs. Gore with? Sorry... I'm supposed to be talking about "me", not her... Let's move on.)

How fitting, though, that my re-invention and "Papa Don't Preach" both came to be on June 18 - if also 18 years apart. That was the song that first led me down the path to idolizing Madonna. The video that MTV couldn't get enough of - and where I went from "It's that damned video again!" to "You know, this isn't bad..." to "Madonna kicks ass!" over the next couple months.

If my own re-invention led to "Madonna rules! v2.0", it was "Papa Don't Preach" that led to the original...

All I can say is I feel old... Wow. Has it really been 20 years? My, how time has flown..... I was so cute back then!

Happy birthday to you too, "Papa"!

And, be sure to check out G-Lock's brief write-up on this historic anniversary...

Labels: Madge Worship, Reinvention

Maddy has a couple of things to bring up. One of which is happy, happy news. The other isn't so happy happy or joy joy, and honestly makes me stomach turn to think about, but it needs to be said.

I'll start with the bad news, and get that out of the way, so at least this post doesn't end with bad vibes. It's time for Maddy to get serious, everyone...

A blogger has been arrested for identity theft.

And who's identity are they accused of stealing? Madonna's.

No, before your stomachs wind up in your throat, it's not me. But I had talked to the person, I'd regularly read the blog in question, and I feel sick to my stomach.

As some of you will recall, in December I posted that at long last I'd encountered "Madonna", and laughed it up. It was obvious to anyone who paid attention that "Madonna" at that other blog was not the real Madonna, but I was amused that someone else out there would be inspired to write a blog, claiming to be Madonna as a spoof.

The problem is it went beyond a spoof. "Madge" (as her friend is calling her) crossed two very serious lines. These are lines I've known of since ***2, when I fought back against the cyberterrorists on chandralevy.com as Marty McSorley (thanks to Sydney, owner of NETHOLLYWOOD, who owned chandralevy.com).

1. Always, always make it clear it's satire
2. Never, EVER make money off of it.

As a result, my Marty posts had the disclaimer "I am not the real Marty McSorley, I only play him on chandralevy.com!" I never wanted to mislead people into thinking I was really Marty McSorley, it was about portraying an image: I am the enforcer. If you fuck with my "teammates", I'll whack you over the head with my stick!

Of course, two years later, I was at it again, this time as "Madonna". Now, here's the truth (though I think everyone reading this blog knows this): I am not Madonna Louise Ciccone (or Ritchie). I am big fan of hers, though I will openly admit I am amused by some of her antics and statements. I am playing that I am the "new Madonna" (more like the old Madonna, as I spoof Madonna's past images), not that I am THE Madonna - after all, Madonna wants to feed off the energy of a new name, so I figured I'd try it too!

I am really Deborah Gibson (no, not THE Deborah Gibson, but yes, my name really is Deborah Gibson), and I do this for laughs, not to mislead people. While I occasionally refer to myself as "Maddy", "Madge", "Madonna" and "The Material Girl" in posts, I also clearly talk about THE Madonna as a seperate person, because she is indeed a seperate person. What you are reading is satire. Madonna Ciccone (or Ritchie) does not live in California, does not smoke anymore, tries to make people forget about her old image, and I highly doubt she is infatuated with The Price Is Right and Bob Barker.

Or, to put it more directly, in the words of the disclaimer that has been on the biography page since day one (and will be here as long as this site exists):

I am not really Madonna. This is all meant in good, clean, campy fun. If Madonna can reinvent herself as "Esther", then why the fuck can't I reinvent myself as Madonna!

And, as much as it's about humor, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. I do admire Madonna, even though I don't always agree with her (then again, I didn't always agree with my mother, either). This is about flattery and fun, not misleading or trickery.

Furthermore, I decided even before the launch of this site that if I ever found myself in a position where this site cost me money (Blogger is free, and a friend has donated the webspace and bandwidth) that I would pay all expenses. No sponsorship, no banners, nothing that would bring in even a cent... That is a can of worms I have no intention to open - now or ever.

Of course, not everyone has seemed to come across that disclaimer. Last year, after I blasted "Little Debbie Gibson" for posing in Playboy, one of her fans found the post, and posted it to the DGIF (Debbie Gibson International Fan Club) message board. Quite a few people were trying to figure out if I was really Madonna. No, I am not. And no, I am not a member of the fan club, but I do have a source who told me about the debate...

I bring this up now because M (who runs the other blog) is in a world of hot water.

M went out of her way to paint the picture of really being Madonna, and managed to fool a few people. Not only did too many of them attempt to contact the real Madonna, but a number of pissed off Mariah Carey fans contacted her management, wondering why "Madonna" is sitting on the Internet, bashing "Mooriah Scarey" and posting doctored pictures that make her look extremely obese.

The damage to her reputation isn't the worst of it, though... It would appear that M profited to the tune of over $953 through an online store (selling things like Vogue coffee mugs and "Horses are hateful!" T-Shirts), and sponsorships for her site.

On one hand, I feel terrible for M. I don't think she quite understood what she was doing, and how much trouble it could get her into. I don't believe she intended to demean Madonna or commit a crime. I think she did it for fun, and went too far. I am truly sorry to see the trouble she is in, and I hope a resolution can be reached that keeps her out of serious trouble (restitution and probation?) to the satisfaction of all parties involved.

On the other hand, she did two things I knew were a no-no: She went out of her way to portray an image that she was the real Madonna, and she did profit from it. When you do that, you start flirting with the line between satire and fraud, and sadly, that appears to now be the case.

I do feel a bit of guilt. As I said, we had exchanged email, and I had seriously considered warning M to post a disclaimer and yank the sponsorships/store. The reason I didn't? I wasn't sure she would listen. She was so hell-bent on maintaining the image (at least publicly) that I think she would've blown it off. I still should've tried. I didn't want to see anyone get hurt: Not M, and not Madonna.

After all, I'd sworn two years ago that if I ever felt this site in any way harmed Madonna, I'd kill it faster than you can say "You bastards!" (you know, as in "Oh my God! They killed Kenny!"). I'm here for laughs, not grief.

On one hand, I feel M's pain. She did something for entertainment, made two costly mistakes, and is facing legal trouble as a result.

On the other hand, I can understand Madonna's position. Here's someone who misled people (intentionally or not) and pocketed money. It may be $953, but the next person could be to the tune of $95,300... Or $953,000. It's a scary position, and while I consider myself more generous and tolerant than most people, I too would be very upset if someone profitted off me without permission.

I repeat, all I can do is hope something is worked out to spare everyone any further grief and misery.

It's sad, so sad
It's a sad, sad situation
And it's getting more and more absurd

A real shame, for everyone. :(

On a lighter note, at least Maddy got some good news today, courtesy of logikreader (a poster on the golden-road.net forums):

logikreader attended Monday's early taping of The Price Is Right, and was there to hear The Man give such good news it had the crowd on their feet, cheering insanely.

Bob Barker, whose five year contract expires in June, has signed a NEW five year contract to continue hosting TPIR! This contract is structured like the last one: Bob can opt out each December, then finish out that year and call it a career.

However, the last time he signed a five year deal, I shook my head. I couldn't see Bob going to 82. I figured he'd get to 80, and retire. But he shocked Mike and I once (going the whole five years), so I wouldn't be that shocked to see five more years from the WGMC (World's Greatest MC, a title given to him by the late Mark Goodson).

You know what this means, of course... More trips to the Bob Barker Studio! More fun! More the price is right, bitch!

The Bob is still right!

Labels: Barker Worship, Grand Theft Barker, Mi Vida Loca, Reinvention

I should've known the day would come where that other "Madonna" would discover me. Earlier this week, it finally happened.

"Madonna" somehow found this blog, and decided to post a comment with a link to her own blog. However, what she doesn't realize is that while she's done a great job, it's just not real. Because I have been the true queen of pop, the one and only Material Girl, the Queen Of Reinvention, your Creamy-Smooth-Pop-Icon Goddess, Veronica Electronica herself - the real Madonna. I am not a cheap imitation, unlike what Bob Barker tried to claim last week. I am the real deal, and everyone here knows that.

I must admit, though, Maddy is quite amused and flattered. This person has done a great deal of work to try to be me. I must give them an A for effort. However, all the A's in the world won't change the fact I have an M, a D, an O and two N's to go with my two A's. It warms my heart to know after 22 years I'm still attracting Madonna wannabes.

Carry on with your bad self, M. Strike a pose, and justify my love. I am pleased. But don't forget, there can only be one!

(Maddy prances off, lights up a cigarette, only to hear someone say "Uhh, Madge, you're trying to quit smoking!")

Oh, yeah? Papa, don't fucking preach!

(The same person sticks Esther's "cussing jar" in front of Maddy. Maddy looks at it, grabs a wad of bills, sticks them down her dress and smirks.)

What can I say? I am still the Material Girl. (smacking someone's hand away with her fan)

Labels: Madge Worship, Reinvention, Smoking In The Girls' Room

Sadly, August seems to be the month for bad birthday presents. Within 48 hours of turning 59, my father is diagnosed with posterior vitreous detachment. And today, someone who should've been celebrating her special day instead ended up breaking several bones in a horse riding accident.

NEW YORK (AP) -- Madonna's 47th birthday celebration was marred when she suffered several broken bones in a horse riding accident at her country home outside London, her publicist told The Associated Press on Tuesday.

The superstar was hospitalized with three cracked ribs, a broken collarbone and a broken hand, according to Liz Rosenberg, her spokeswoman based in New York.

The accident occurred Tuesday at Ashcombe house, her estate outside of London.

Madonna and an assistant were riding horses, when Madonna, on a new horse she wasn't accustomed to riding, took a tumble. Her children, Rocco and Lourdes, were at the home but were not with their mother at the time, Rosenberg said.

"The whole family was out in the country, celebrating her birthday," Rosenberg said.

Her husband, director Guy Ritchie, took Madonna to an undisclosed hospital, where she was treated. Rosenberg said the entertainer was expected to be released later in the evening.


I know I poke a lot of fun at Esther Madonna, but it is meant in fun. I really do adore the woman - imitation is, after all, the sincerest form of flattery. I come up with the back-handed birthday greetings in good fun. I tease her about Esther and being abducted for laughs, but I am a big fan - even of her today.

I'd be very saddened if this accident had happened on any day. But on her birthday? How heartbreaking. What a lousy way to "celebrate" a special day with the family.

This just seems to be one of those months. I'm a little worried, because Sherrie Austin's birthday is the 28th. I hope nobody else has a birthday coming up soon (or that this tide turns before then).

Maddy, I do hope you have a full and speedy recovery. Get well soon, and I do wish this could've been a happier birthday for you.

Labels: Madge Worship, Mi Vida Loca, Reinvention

Forty seven years ago today, someone we all know and love was born.. No, not me.. Well, in a way, yeah - it is me.

You know who I'm talking about... She doesn't look a day over 35, and doesn't act a day under 75... She's been abducted by aliens, or had a ceti eel put in her ear by Khan Noonian Singh, or she was possessed by Ozzy while he performed "Shot In The Dark" - either way, she hasn't quite been herself for year now (which is why I have to be herself!).

C'mon, everyone, sing along!

Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday formerly-Madonna-now-just-Esther-Ritchie
Happy Birthday to you!

Live it up today, Esther Madge. Smoke one for me.

Wait, you don't do that anymore...

Umm, strip in public for me!

No, wait, you don't do that anymore either...

Go out and paint the town in your pointy-coned bustier!

Damn, you don't have that anymore... Must be tough getting old! :P

Labels: Madge Worship, Reinvention, Smoking In The Girls' Room

Gregg Easterbrook is an Internet football columnist known to football fans as the TMQ - Tuesday Morning Quarterback. And, for several years now, he has had a rather interesting theory on why Kurt Warner came out of nowhere and for a few years played quartback better than maybe anyone in history.

His theory? That Kurt Warner, the Arena Football quarterback and former grocery stock boy was replaced by an alien just before 1999, who assumed the identity of "Kurt Warner", and set the league on fire. And, of course, now that the last few years haven't gone so well with Kurt, Easterbrook assumes that the aliens came back, took "Kurt Warner" away and replaced him with the "real" Kurt Warner.

It makes me wonder. Could that be what happened to our dear friend Madonna Louise Ciccone?

Sure, the woman is becoming more and more eccentric all the time - whether it be changing her name to Esther, or recruiting more people int Kabbalah than they recruit into the US military... But there are signs dating further back than 2004 that really make me wonder.

There is one in particular that really has left me scratching my head...

During the late 90's, Esther Madge made an appearance on her pal Rosie O'Donnell's show. Unlike a certain talk show appearance a few years earlier, it wasn't what Madge said that shocked me, but what she found so funny.

What was amusing, apparently, was a clip Rosie aired. And what wasn't shocking was that Madge laughed at herself, but what she laughed at in particular... No, it wasn't Madge having a wardrobe malfunction. Nor, was it her swearing, or even tripping and falling on her ass.

What amused Madge so much was September 14, 1984.

I am convinced anyone who is famous has one defining moment - either a moment they are remembered for forever, or one that catupults them into immortality. 100 years from now, Janet Jackson won't be a singer or Michael's sister, but the woman who's boob got flashed to the world on live television.

Michael Jackson (until he changed destiny by ensuring he'd go down in history as a sick motherfucker) was destined to be defined by his moonwalk during Motown's 25th anniversary concert.

That washed up diva, Whitney Houston (who forgets the two key words - washed up - and keeps acting like a diva) was likewised destined to be immortalized by her performance of the Star Spangled Banner at Super Bowl XXV, until she decided she'd rather be remembered as a drugged-out diva.

And, there are days (like today) where I see Sherrie Austin seemingly spending more time writing music for other artists (like Tim McGraw and Brittany Wells), or looking to perform in musicals (my thanks to Esther for passing this along), and doing nothing in the way of recording her own music. And it leaves me wondering if the closest thing we'll ever have to a defining moment might be "Never Been Kissed" or "Streets Of Heaven"...

But, this is bigger than those examples. What's the big deal about that day, you ask? Well, that's like wondering what's the big deal about February 9, 1964...

February 9, 1964 was of course, a red-letter day in music history. Because this wasn't just a defining moment like the above examples, but a moment that catupulted four young men into instant immortality. That was the day where four young men from Liverpool who called themselves The Beatles went from a popular British band to the biggest act in the world in just a matter of hours, thanks to their legendary appearance on the Ed Sullivan Show.

That one performance not only made them instant megastars, but undoubtedly dethrowned Elvis Presley as the king of music. At that moment, the face of music was no longer a southern rock heartthrob with sideburns, but four Brits with floppy hair.

Which brings me back to September 14, 1984.

MTV, barely three years old, would air their first Video Music Awards. They had hoped their new awards show would make a splash - and thanks to one artist in particular who delivered, it did.

Because going into that day, Madonna Louise Ciccone was a young up and coming star with some success, but hardly the face of music or even it's fastest rising star (many in 1984 actually predicted Cyndi Lauper would have a brighter future than Madonna, for example). But that would change in one night - in fact, in just a matter of a few minutes.

And over a decade later, there sat Madonna, watching herself rolling around in a wedding dress (complete with her "Boy Toy" belt buckle), singing "Like A Virgin", and laughing like it was a personal blooper.

We're not just talking about a big moment, we are talking about THE Madonna Moment. The moment when Madonna Louise Ciccone went from being a 26 year old with aspirations of "taking over the world" to literally taking over the world. The moment where she rocked the music world the same way those four boys from Liverpool did. She took the world by storm, she took Michael Jackson's crown, and became THE biggest name in entertainment in that one moment. Nearly everything - her two decade reign as THE Queen Of Music (a throne which was threatened many times, but nobody could seem to topple her), from everyone wanting a piece of her ass (people who loved her wanting it in bed, people who hated her wanting in a while different manner), to inspiring an army of wannabes (some famous, others just die-hard fans) and starring in more wet dreams than perhaps anyone in history - can be traced to that one earth-shattering performance.

And there was Esther Madge, now a 40 year old mother, laughing at the moment that defined it all...

I mean, you don't see Kirk Gibson laughing it up as he watches his immortal home run (which STILL gives me goosebumps!) in the 1988 World Series. You didn't see Sir Paul or Ringo or George (rest in peace) laughing it up at their Sullivan performance... Well, then again, they weren't rolling around in wedding dresses while singing "I Want To Hold Your Hand".. Eww, on second thought, let's move on. I don't know about anyone else, but I just got a very bad mental picture of Ringo Starr in a wedding dress...

As much as I love Madonna (boy, that sounds arrogant, doesn't it? :P ), I admit, she is not the most talented artist around. Never has been. She was probably a D+/C- in the talent category back in 1984, and has moved up to maybe a B-/B in recent years. However, I've always felt she was the Greg Maddux of music - maybe the craftiest, cagiest artist I've ever seen. She'd grab your attention with antics, and with self-promotion. She reinvented herself more times than the Yankees won the World Series - and that was such a huge part of what made her so interesting.

You'd watch her and wonder "Who IS the real Madonna? Is she the young woman who wore funky makeup and used typewriter bands as bracelets and cracked on bubblegum constantly? The "virgin" in the wedding dress with the "Boy Toy" belt buckle? Susan? Is she the Marilyn Monroe wannabe? The Who's That Girl floozie? The woman who almost looks like a hippy singing "Like A Prayer"? The bitch in leather with a cigarette in her mouth and a "Come fuck me - if you know what's good for you!" look on her face? The sexual acrobat who spent a few years acting like she wanted the whole world in bed with her? The woman in suits with a gold tooth and a cigar in her mouth? Dita? The vulnerable looking woman on the Bedtime Stories cover? Evita? Mommy Madonna? Esther the British Kabbalist? A combination of the above? None of the above? Do any of us really know? That's a big part of the appeal of her. Is there a person behind the curtain controlling the Wizard? Or, has she shown us the real her everytime, and evolved over the years? Madonna has sold as many records with mystery and charisma as she has with raw talent...

She admits herself her career has been about pushing people's buttons, and the conflicting image she presented on that fateful September evening - the virgin white wedding dress, while oozing sex and rolling on the stage - pushed a lot of buttons. It gave her everything she wanted (at that time): The entire world at her feet. And you have no idea how much it shocks me to view that moment the way she'd view the Three Stooges.

Of course, that's hardly the only moment. There is, after all, her getting on Britney Spears for smoking (Do you know who this person is, Madge? Or how about her? Or her?). There's her expressing regrets for her blatant sexuality. Hell, she doesn't even like her name anymore.

At some point, the mothership clearly came and took Madonna away, and replaced her with a physically flawless clone. The only problem is, they got the personality all wrong... And the name.

So, at this point, I have three questions:

1. When did they do this?
2. WHY did they do this?
3. Why didn't they come and take me while they were here?!

Well, I guess that leaves me to carry the torch (maybe that's why they didn't come pick me up?)... Anyone see my pointy-coned bustier? And, you know what, I think Britney swiped my lighter again.. Damn her!

Labels: Madge Worship, Reinvention

(Another attempt to try to lighten up not only this blog, but my own mood. Though, it seems like whenever I try to post something uplifting, something bad happens. If this trend continues, I'm going to start posting Smiths lyrics or reinvent myself as Robert Smith.)

One thing I do enjoy doing online - besides talking with friends - is researching obscure things. It was how I discovered - among other things - that William Shatner has tried to sing, that Chuck Woolery even has a top 40 hit, and the life and times of Moonlight Graham.

While tinkering around online this week, I discovered two little tidbits concerning music - one that scared the shit out of me, the other that blew my mind.

Let's start with the Nightmare On SBC Global first...

Over the weekend, I discovered a song from a CD titled "Mother Goose Rocks". Imagine what would happen if you took the background music for "Ray Of Light", and had someone who sure sounds like Madonna singing "The Wheels On The Bus" to it.

Not only that, but then you get the animated video, complete with what sure as hell looks like an animated Madonna driving a bus and singing the song...

I sure as hell didn't recall doing something like this, and fortunately, I didn't. It turns out that they just managed to find someone to do a real good impersonation of Madonna, and credited her as "Mad Donna".

What can I say besides many people wish they were Madonna, but there's only one - me? :P

Thank goodness for that. You see, Maddy is becoming more and more scared each time Esther Madge does something using her name, and this could've been the last straw. I mean, I might've had to have sued Esther Ritchie to try to prove I am the true and only Madonna - because this Madonna would not go from being the Material Girl to the Maternity Girl, complete with singing children's songs.

I think it might be time for me to send Esther Madge a carton of Marlboro lights and a new pointy-coned bustier for her birthday, along with a card - "Remember HER?!".

At least in a bit of good news, I managed to find music from an obscure rock/new wave band from the early 80's that didn't quite make it...

Let's step back into the ol' time machine and pay a visit to 1980.

The band started off as The Breakfast Club (which, after years of paying their dues in the New York area, would finally get a recording deal in the mid 1980's, and have one hit - "Right On Track" in 1987). However, after some shuffling with the roster, the band was retooled - moving their one-time drummer to lead vocals, and calling themselves Emmy And The Emmys.

Emmy And The Emmys became a regular in the New York club scene, and even distributed some demo tapes - to record labels as well as members of the audience. The style of the music kind of sounds like Pat Benatar meets Blondie meets the Go-Go's, a pretty good cross of new wave and rock that reflects what was popular at the time.

While the band never officially released an album, there are bootlegs floating around on the Internet, and I managed to stumble across them last night. I'm glad, mostly because the CD's themselves are going for an arm, a leg, AND a testicle or ovary on eBay!

Emmy And The Emmys, obviously, didn't last long. The rest of the band once again became The Breakfast Club, and Emmy, well... "Emmy" moved onto much bigger things.. As the The Breakfast Club continued to take the long road to their brief moment of success, "Emmy" (known to the world by another one-word name) would move on to become perhaps the bigest female artist in history.

Almost makes you wonder what we would've heard over the last 20 years had I continued to stick to rock, instead of going into dance/pop (and eventually electronica). While I enjoy a great deal of her music over the last two decades, I have to admit I really get a kick out of hearing Madonna rock out.

A couple other things:

Last night was my second attempt to bowl since 1991, with the first being two weeks ago. The fun isn't just trying to shake 14 years of rust, but re-teach myself - due to two rotator cuff injuries in the last 16 years, my right shoulder is a complete mess, and I'm now trying to bowl left-handed.

The first game wasn't so bad, but after trying to tinker with different release points and my footwork, it quickly turned into a mess. Like the late, great relief pitcher Dan Quisenberry, I too am trying to find a delivery in my flaw, and develop some consistancy. I'm sure I will at some point. More than anything, I enjoy getting out for a bit and hanging around with Eric and his friends.

Today would've been my mother's 55th birthday, if she was still with us. I still miss her very much, and not a day passes where she isn't in my thoughts. I often wonder what she would be like today: she'd be a grandmother, and would she be as angry at what's going on in this world as I am? I believe she would be, and I not only miss her as my mother, but it'd really help to have someone who'd respond to my anger and frustration and sadness with what's going on with "I understand. I feel the same way."

I just hope she's at peace. She sure deserves it. She lived through enough hell in her 37 years here.

Labels: Emmy Worship, Gone But Not Forgotten, Madge Worship, Reinvention, Shatner On Acid, Smoking In The Girls' Room

Well, I promised this a while back, and here it finally is.

The various stages of Madonnahood, 1984-

1984-mid 1986: "Who is she? Hmm, I guess she's okay..."

I know, she first hit the mainstream in 1983, but I hadn't even noticed her until a year later, and even then I didn't make a big deal out of her. I was still more into contemporary rock/pop at the time (Journey, Styx, Billy Joel) and not much on dance artists. Still, what I did hear from her was okay, but like most people, I didn't think she would take over the world - even after seeing the 1984 VMA performance.

Ironically, here in 2005, I find myself enjoying her music and image from this era more than just about any other in her career...

Mid 1986-1988: "Two words: Madonna fucking rules!"

Thanks to MTV and True Blue, I really got a steady dose of Madonna, and this period would mark the first era of being a huge Madonna fan. I purchased all her albums, taped all her videos, and had a few posters on my wall. I even thought (and still do think) Who's That Girl was a cute, funny movie.

The only problem I really had with her during this period was her out of control husband (and, ironically, I like Sean Penn a lot now).

Sadly, this era ended when I got into an inferior Madonna wannabe of the time (no comment).

1988-1990: "Ehh, she's still cool, but does she have to stir up so much shit?"

While I thought she made a good album with Like A Prayer, this of course was the beginning of the Madonna: Queen Of Controversy era. It started off innocently enough, by losing her Pepsi deal because of her video. But, of course, it began to spiral the next year with "Justify My Love" (not that I know of anyone here in 2005 who uses the cover for the single as their bio picture...). Needless to say, I was a bit more uptight back then, and I was more annoyed by the controversy than amused (which isn't true today).

1990-1994: "What the fuck? Shut up and go away already, you slut!" "Gawd, I HATE her! Fuck Madonna!"

No joke. Your very own Maddy, who just twelve months ago (the "reinvention" began on June 18, 2004 on Strange Forums) became the new and only true Material Girl, spent over three years absolutely despising, well... herself.

Already a bit annoyed over the "Justify My Love" controversy (again, I don't know of anyone who is using that cover as her bio picture), the annoyance quickly turned into hostility as Madonna pulled off one stupid stunt after another: Truth Or Dare, Erotica, Sex, Body Of Evidence, nudity, dating Vanilla Ice (EWWWW!), more nudity, her and her cigars (this Madonna prefers Misty 120's herself) and then the Letterman fiasco. I actually burnt my old posters, and kept hoping I'd go to sleep, and wake up to never see Madonna again.

What's funny is now when I look back at this era, part of me wants to laugh because it was amusing. And part of me pities her, to be honest with you. In studying up to take over as the true Material Girl, I've come to understand a great deal of what made Esther Louise Ritchie tick, and that her constant thirst for attention was due to the emptiness she felt in her life from the moment her mother died. She wanted her mother's love, and when she couldn't get it (because she was gone), she tried to replace it by making the whole world love her. Sadly, of course, she didn't quite understand what love is - confusing meaningless sex and the world gawking at her as "love". And the more "love" she got, the more she craved even MORE - hence even more outlandish stunts to make the world "love" her.

Now, here in 2005, I kind of miss this Madonna. Yeah, she was crazy (a bit understandable, when you go through life sharing the same name as your dead mother) and controversial (but, let's face it, she always has been, and it's part of what makes her who and what she is). But she was unpredictable and fun...

1994-1996: "Hmmm, she's starting to mellow out a bit. I guess she's not so bad..."

Along came Bedtime Stories (the album I truly feel SAVED her career, because I think had she released another album like Erotica and stirred up more shit like 1990-1993, she would've been FINISHED), which showed the world she could actually create music instead of controversy ("Take A Bow" is definitely one of my all-time favorite songs from her). She finally got her dream role in Evita, and shocked the world. Then, she shocked the world in a way most of thought she never world - MOTHERHOOD!

My first thought when I heard she was pregnent was "Uh oh, I still don't think it's a good idea for Madonna to reproduce...". And that thought was reinforced when I saw how much little Lourdes LOOKS LIKE HER MOTHER - almost like you began to think "Oh no. Here we go again in 30 years...". But, motherhood has definitely changed Madonna for the better. It seemed to not only help her mature, but take up at least some of the void that's been in her life since the original Madonna Louise Ciccone died in 1963.

1997-early 2004: "Well, this new Madonna is okay. Would be better if she wasn't doing electronica."

We definitely saw Madonna grow during this period - not only personally, but musically. Her lyrics took on more mature and spiritual topics, her singing improved (no doubt thanks to her work on Evita), and we began to see less and less controversy out of her - it seemed like the only shit she stirred up involved politics (criticizing Bush, speaking out against war - but that's nothing new, as she's always been very liberal and very anti-war.), and her fascination with Kabbalah.

Of course, this era would be marked with some more bad movies, and a widely criticized album (American Life), which in my opinion was very well written, but I've never been a fan of the style of music itself. Of course, I do think part of the criticism for the album (and it's poor showing) was a minor case of what happened to the Dixie Chicks - she got screwed over for daring to speak out against war in Iraq (good for her!).

However, as we know, the fun was really about to begin...

June 2004: "You want to be Esther now? Fine. YOU can call ME Madonna!"

Madonna, for the first time in many years, brought amusement into my life when she told the world she adopted the name "Esther". My first reaction was shock. "No, what will the world do without Madonna?!"A few hours later, I laughed my ass off, and decided I would change MY name to Madonna. Of course, I wasn't the only one who had that idea...

What started off as a small joke turned into an enormous one - this blog, and deciding "You know what? I like it here. I'll keep this name. I'm your Madonna now! Muahahahaha!"

July 2004-early 2005: "You know, I had forgotten how much I loved Madonna. She still kicks ass!" (Wait, does that mean I kick ass?)

Sure, I found (and still find) this new "Esther Madge" to be weird, and I look at her sometimes and think "I miss the old Madonna". But, at the same time, it's definitely brought me back full-circle, to the days where I thought Madonna was awesome. Though, I must admit, I spend more time enjoying the old Madonna - 1983-1995 than the current one.

(Cue the old NFL playoffs commercial from 1999: The one with a father and son in Jets gear in 1969. As time goes on, the father changes teams - Cowboys, Steelers, 49ers, Broncos, etc. The son the whole time is still a Jets fan...

1999 rolls around. The Jets are in the playoffs and doing well. The father is once again a Jets fan. His son rolls his eyes... Caption: I was here all along.)

Much like that father, over the course of 19 years, I wasn't here all along. I went through periods where I really didn't care much for Madonna, and times where I despised her... And while I can't say I love her more than Sherrie Austin (or even The Beatles), she's definitely way up there once again...

But, I miss the old Material Girl. I love the Maternity Girl, but she just isn't quite the same. Though, while she's not as much fun, she definitely seems to be trying to become a better person (and for that, I say good for her).

Why this post now? Because we must come to the most recent phase...

June 2005: "Madonna has gone bye-bye, Egon. What have you got left?"

Esther Madge seems to be going "deeper and deeper" into Kabbalah, and I'd be lying if I said it didn't leave me scratching my head... Red strings, a new name, and even a Kabbalah hotel in London. Plus there is the controversial feuding with other celebrities (such as Boy George lashing out at her), and rumors (neither confirmed nor denied) that she has walked away from people because they aren't into Kabbalah as well.

It's my hope that Esther Madge finds happiness, but sometimes I fear she's setting herself up for a deep disappointment on this path. While I know there are legitimate and serious teachings of Kabbalah, I do wonder if the form she's following are being used as a pawn in a Scientology-style cult religion. I wonder if she'll find herself used and hurt as a result of all of this.

All I know is that at times like this, I do miss that gum-popping, chain-smoking, breast-revealing, fetishwear-donning, f-bombing outrageous young woman who took the world by storm. Which is, well... why I guess you're stuck with me now. :P

You can call me Madonna. And as for you, Esther Madge... Finders keepers, losers weepers! Muahahaha... :P

Labels: Madge Worship, Reinvention

My evil, wretched twin is back. No, not Esther Madge, but the OTHER evil twin...

Before there was N'Suck, Britney, Christina and Jessica Simpleton, the music industry was plagued by another group of foolish and wretched teenybopper singers. Among them were New Kids On The Block, and of course, DEBBIE Gibson. Yeah, yeah, she wants to be "Deborah", but considering she's as childish as ever, she's stuck with DEBBIE.

DEBBIE'S career, of course, crashed and burnt before Clinton took office, and for nearly 15 years has been nothing more than the butt of jokes who every so often shows her face and pulls another hair-brained stunt in hopes it'll bring her publicity. In other words, consider her ME without the success (ironic, then, that I share my name with her, and last year reinvented myself as the person she tries so desperately to imitate. She should star in Roseanne Arquette's role in the modern-day remake Desperately Seeking MADONNA.)

The irony of it all is it's easy to see why Esther Madge is so addicted to publicity and attention, considering the first couple decades of her life. DEBBIE, on the other hand, got plenty of it from both parents while growing up, yet keeps craving more...

Whether it be the "Losin' Myself" video, or stage-diving at a Circle Jerks concert, or Broadway Bares, DEBBIE never ceases to find that one publicity stunt ensured to once again make her headline news. Fifteen minutes of fame wasn't enough for her, nor has being the butt of jokes for fifteen years done anything to turn her off to attention.

Well, DEBBIE may be getting her wish - and attention she might not enjoy so much once she gets it...

Apparently, little DEBBIE Gibson has posed nude for Playboy.

No, don't adjust your monitors. Don't pinch yourself. Don't reboot your computers, thinking Windows is screwing up. You read that right...

What's so amusing about this little tidbit is how this latest publicity stunt contradicts so many of the things that have come out of little DEBBIE'S mouth over the years.

My "Sex" book comes out in 1992, and there's DEBBIE writing an open letter in the New York Times, attacking me... (The irony, of course, is when DEBBIE relased her "Shock Your Mama" single a few months later, it came with a sticker on it, saying "What Madonna sings about, Debbie does!")

A few years ago, there was DEBBIE criticizing Britney and Christina for their images, criticizing their use of sex to sell records...

And, of course, let's not forget dear old Debs, who many moons ago said she'd only pose nude if it would bring world peace or end hunger. Funny, since neither one of those goals is anywhere near happening at this time...

Of course, it comes as no surprise when you realize DEBBIE is what happens when you take a mediocre musician, who craves attention the way some crave crack, and is a cross between George W. Bush, John Kerry and Jimmy Swaggart - a flip-flopping pathological liar who doesn't practice what she preaches. Whether it be something as simple as lying about her real hair color, or claiming she considers herself a serious singer/songwriter who idolizes Billy Joel and Elton John while performing crappy dance music, or claiming to love music about all else while ignoring her own music career, or preaching at other artists while exposing herself, you can usually bet that if DEBBIE says something, it's packed with more bullshit than a sack of Bandini.

What's hilarious about this is I deal with a sister (more on her in the near future) who believes you can completely judge a person just on their Chinese and/or Western astrology signs. "All Tauruses are assholes", "All Snakes will fuck you over", etc. etc. etc. What's funny is DEBBIE and Sherrie Austin - three days apart in age - are about as opposite as you can get. One is obsessed with attention, the other is more worried about her music than publicity. One is a clown, the other is a serious artist. One is going on twelve, the other acts her age.

So, I guess if there is one good thing about this fiasco, it's that it's just more evidence to throw at my sister...

And, honestly, it's not DEBBIE'S nudity I have an issue with - after all, look who I reinvented myself as! It's that hypocrites make me sick. Mean what you say, and say what you mean. Don't throw stones if you live in a glass house. DEBBIE ripping on Britney, Christina and myself while turning around and doing the exact same thing she criticized would be like Barry Bonds criticizing Jason Giambi for using steroids - it only succeeds in making you look like a two-faced, hypocritical ass.

What's also ironic about this is the timing - DEBBIE exposing herself just as her website is about to start selling T-Shirts saying "Electric Youth lives!". Electric Youth, indeed. More like Electric Fluke...

Well, the joke will be on you, DEBBIE. You may get your precious second fifteen minutes of fame. The world may turn around and stare at you - much like how they'd stare if a pink elephant walked down the street. But you can bet they'll be laughing harder than ever before - and that I'll be the head coach of the St. Louis Rams before you're ever taken seriously as an artist again.

You know this also means you've lost your bet to Howard Stern...

Please, do us all a favor, and just go back to the 80's, where you belong. No, wait, on second thought, I liked the 80's. Better yet, go back to the 90's - I don't give a rat's ass about that decade...

You know, it's not good when you're sitting here, almost wishing your name was Martha Stewart instead. I should've reinvented myself as Madonna fifteen years ago...

Labels: Little Debbie Gibson, Reinvention

I've made a few cosmetic changes to the blog - including moving the link to the Material biography and archives to the sidebar on the left, as opposed to the very bottom of the blog.

Also, if you click on the picture of me in the catsuit and thigh high boots from any page, it'll bring you back to the main page. Just be sure to watch where you click me, okay?

I figure these changes will make it a little easier to navigate...

Now, I'm just debating whether to add a "Material profanity counter" to the sidebar. Or would that a bit too over the top? :P

Labels: Boot Worship, Madge Worship, Reinvention

Which Madonna are you?




I guess it IS only natural, since I've just reinvented myself as Madonna that I should be in that "Lucky Star"/"Borderline"/"Holiday" stage..

Which means I'll probably be causing some real trouble in about six years...

Labels: Madge Worship, Reinvention

While checking out Wil "Wesley" Wheaton's blog this morning, I came across this:

http://www.wilwheaton.net/cgi-bin/mt/mt-tb.cgi/635

"Based on the hate mail that's currently pouring into my inbox, someone has impersonated me on a Rodney Dangerfield website and said some pretty horrible things.

I don't have any details, but I want to get this out RIGHT NOW: I thought Rodney Dangerfield was a brilliant comic, loved his work (especially in Caddyshack) and I mourn his passing along with everyone else.

If someone could let me know exactly what it is I'm alleged to have said, I'd like to know so I can take a crowbar and a blowtorch to find out who did this and clear it up.

Gnomedex report is almost done, and should be up in about two hours."

I did dig through the comments posted at Rodney Dangerfield's website and found what fake "Wil" wrote. It was incredibly mean-spirited and cruel, and of course the expected happened - some people honestly thought the REAL Wil Wheaton wrote the comments and were not amused.

I'm not going to post it here, because some of you may not want to read it. But they said shit that I'd have a hard time wishing upon an enemy...

This is what I wrote in response on Wil's blog:

This is going to sound funny, considering that I I "reinvented" myself as Madonna online back in June when it came out that she wanted to be called Esther, but here goes:

There is a difference between screwing around online and being funny, and being vicious. While I've been "Madonna" for four months now, I've never crossed that line: I've never used "reinvention" as an excuse to post anything vicious about her or anyone else, and I've never tried to convince people that I am the real Madonna Ciccone (in fact, my blog has a disclaimer on it, saying as much).

If someone had created a site, claiming to be Wil, and said things as a joke like "Captain Picard should've been given hair implants to make him look like a Chia Pet" and "I always dreamed of turning Data into a vacuum cleaner" and "Troi - You, me, holodeck, NOW!", it would've been hilarious. However, the way Wil's name was used was anything BUT hilarious.

What "Wil Wheaton" did on rodney.com crosses both lines. Not only was that a sick thing to say, but doing so claiming to be Wil makes it even more disgusting. If the person who wrote that felt the need to spew such venom, he/she should've had the guts to make up a fake name, or just use their own. Writing it as "Wil Wheaton" unfairly drags Wil into the mess.

So, take it from someone who has amused themselves by playing around with a new identity online: When it's used to spoof (ie. You want to be Esther now? Fine, I'm Madonna now!), it's cute and funny. When it's used to cause pain and manipulate people, it's not.

Believe me, I'm not laughing at what "Wil" posted on rodney.com. I sure hope the REAL Wil gets him, and introduces him to Worf.


I started the whole "reinvention" thing because it amused me. It wasn't to fuck with Madonna or screw with people's minds. I've never used it as an excuse to go Cartman on Madonna "Esther" Ciccone (ie. Jewish insults), nor have I used it to post nasty things so people think Ms. Ciccone is running around the internet flaming people.

And, quite honestly, it isn't even the first time I've done something like this: I "reinvented" myself as a infamous former hockey player who was convicted for assault for actions DURING a game on another forum a couple years ago. Again, it was right there in my signature that I wasn't the real Marty McSorley, and there was a purpose to all of it. But, that's a long story for another time...

What I do here is for my own amusement and enjoyment. I've tried to keep it tasteful and respectful, and honestly hope it would be something that Ms. Ciccone would laugh at if she ever saw (especially since we all know she's seen her share of Madonna wannabes in her life, both fans and other artists). I prefer to think of it as satire/reinvention, not identity theft, and would hope she would also see it that way (and the same with anyone else who stumbles across it).

So, again, I'm not laughing at "Wil Wheaton". That's certainly something I don't endorse, and considering what I do, I'd hope that says something...

I have a very nice pair of chrome heeled boots that would like to meet "Wil"... I'm sure I'm not alone. What an asshole.

Labels: A world gone mad, Boot Worship, Gone But Not Forgotten, Madge Worship, Reinvention

Many years ago, Bobby Brown sang "You want somethin' done, gotta do it's yourself!"...

Fed up with the bumbling stupidity of Dumb And Dumber - our presidental candidates, Maddy has decided to throw her black leather cap into the ring and announce her candidacy for president.

Disgusted with the direction America has gone in under the Corporate Party (the combined Democrat/Republican parties), I've decided to do something myself to move this country toward a bright, new future.

If elected, I will:

End the "War On Terrorism". War doesn't destroy terrorism, it breeds it. Each bomb that drops, each missile that's launched only results in MORE people who hate America. The best defense is NOT a good offense, it's a good defense. It's time to focus on protecting ourselves, not wasting innocent people to "keep the evil ones" away.

Besides, LOVE makes the world go 'round...

Abolish the PATRIOT ACT. The PATRIOT ACT doesn't stop terrorists, it stops the civil rights of innocent people. It should be called the UNAMERICAN ACT, because it deficates all over the Constitution.

Civil and equal rights for all. We'll work to end all forms of discrimination, whether it be in the workplace, or in society. No longer will gays not have the same rights as hetrosexuals, no longer will the government endorse and support a class war to oppress and cheat the poor, sick and elderly. This country is supposed to be the land of the free - and it's time for it to truly become one.

Focus on protecting the environment. Our environment is being destroyed by multi-zillion dollar corporations who care about nothing the environment or well being of this planet. It's time for that to end. This world belongs to all of us, and it shouldn't be ruined for the sake of corporate profits. We'll also push toward finding alternative and cleaner means of fuel. Clean air, clean water and safe food should be rights, not priveledges.

Put the focus on social programs. While America has been "showing it's strength" to the rest of the world, it's been deteriorating from within. Education is declining, streets and cities are falling apart, and more and more people are without health care and often go hungry, or find themselves in unsafe housing. We will work to bring a LIVING wage to America, not just a "minimum wage". What good are we to the rest of the world if we're in poor shape ourselves? How is it fair to expect citizens to pay taxes here while their money goes to the rest of the world?

Which brings us to...

Balancing the budget and LOWERING taxes. Corporate welfare? Gone, unless they want to pay their share of the taxes. Defense spending? Slashed. We have enough military might (might don't make right) to destroy the world 100 times over. Why must we continue to spend over $400,000,000,000 a year?

American citizens pay over 6/7 of the taxes in this country, yet receive less than 1/8 of the benefits. The corporations, who pay a very minute share, receive nearly 50% of the budget in the form of benefits and corporate welfare. It's time we get what we pay for, and they get what they deserve. We should not be paying for their benefits while going without ourselves.

Penalties against companies who outsource or move factories out of the US. These companies expect us to do business with them and help them profit, yet hurt the American economy by ditching US workers for cheap overseas labor. That needs to end. America LOST jobs under Bush, and that trend appears likely to continue under Bush or Kerry. Screwing American workers (and your potential customers) will only weaken the American economy even further.

The end of the war on drugs. I have never used drugs in my life, but imprisonment and snooping on American citizens isn't the answer. Treatment and prevention is. And for those who choose to get wasted anyway? Prescribe the drugs to them, so they don't go around robbing people or buying/selling drugs and endangering innocent people. I am all for stricter punishment against anyone who commits a crime under the influence of a narcotic or alcohol. But otherwise, it's their body, let them mess it up - in their own space and own time.

A FULL investigation into Bush, Cheney, Bechtel, Enron, Halliburton, et al. This includes a real investigation into 9/11. 3,000 people died, and we deserve to know the truth. We also deserve to know the truth on Bush and Cheney, their corporate pals, Iraq, and why they were given carte blanche to profit at will, while bilking Americans and endangering lives in their pursuit of money.

Regulations against the corporations monopolizing the media. Nearly all media outlets - TV stations, radio stations, newspapers, magazines, even record labels - are under the control of a handful of giant corporations. They control what you see, read, and hear. It's time to return freedom to the press and to the people by breaking up these conglomorates, which is truly the only way to return "fair and balanced" news to America.

Removing corporate influence from Washington. America is supposed to OF the people, BY the people, FOR THE PEOPLE. Corporations should not have a louder or stronger voice than citizens, or be granted special rights than the people don't have. They shouldn't be allowed to influence the direction of the government and the nation more than the American people, and under our administration, they won't. No more special interest money, no more buying votes, no more being held above the people that this nation truly belongs to. We will be a voice FOR the people, not Microsoft, Wal-Mart and Nike.

My running mate is Jello Biafra, former frontman of the Dead Kennedys and an active public speaker/activist since 1987. He was nominated by the Green Party of New York in the 2000 election.

And the rest of my cabinet, if elected:

Chief Of Staff: Eric Hunter
Head of Environmental Protection Agency: Sherrie Austin
Trade Representitve: Jerry West
Head of Office of National Drug Control Policy: Ricky Williams
National Security Advisor: Michael Dorn
Secretary Of Agriculture: Ophah Winfrey
Secretary of The Interior: Michael Moore
Secretary of Commerce: Ralph Nader
Attorney General: John Grisham
Secretary of Defense: Michael Cooper
Secretary of Labor: Jimmy Hoffa Jr.
Secretary of Education: Ken Jennings
Secretary of State: Noam Chomsky
Secretary of Energy: James "Scotty" Doohan
Secretary of Transportation: Dale Earnhardt Jr.
Secretary of Health: William "Refrigerator" Perry
Secretary of the Treasury: Mark Cuban
Secretary of Veterans Affairs: Mike Farrell
HUD Secretary: Jimmy Carter

So, go out there and Cause A Commotion! Rock The Vote! Reinvent America!

(This message paid for by... me.)

Labels: A world gone mad, Bushwhacking, Corporate Assholes, Madge Worship, Reinvention, The Stormin' Mormon

Eight days ago, I finally packed up and moved from my own private hell after six years, nine months and sixteen days. It felt like a one ton gorilla was lifted from my shoulders when we finally pulled out of the parking lot at 11:10am, ending a situation that was bad from day one and did nothing but get worse the whole time.

I've slowly been getting settled in here, getting some things I need, and getting everything situated the way I'd like it. So far, this place has been everything my old one wasn't: Peaceful, quiet, safe, and comfortable.

The worthless-yet-nosy manager of my former complex also told me last Monday that an apartment and a car were broken into over the weekend. What a lovely place to live. I'm glad I got out of there when I did. Funny how those idiots don't add one and one together, and realize that is the kind of shit that happens when you let homeless felons have free run of the place.

Fortunately, that nightmare is in the past. It's over. I'll never see that dump again.

It's nice to finally be free.

Labels: Mi Vida Loca, Reinvention

Here's my friend Daria sitting next to me on a couch. I can't seem to remember this photo, or why I looked so unhappy...




Here's Daria's parents playing with my tassels. Ho hum. Another day, another person with their hands near my breasts. You'd think people would be used to them by now...



Well, actually... These pictures were taken today at Madame Tussaud's, and Daria posted them in her photo album and shared them with me. Thanks for the laugh, I needed it.

And, you know, one of these days I need to get a picture taken of me next to the wax statue in the second photo. Then I could post it and say "Be afraid! There's two of us now!". Or could pose with my hands over the statue's breasts: "Look, I'm fondling myself!"

Of course, there could never be three of us, since she's Esther now. :P

Labels: Madge Worship, Reinvention

Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday, Grandma Esther
Happy Birthday to you

And since we're a good girl now, I suppose that means no strippers in birthday cakes, no using your birthday candles to drip hot wax on chests, and no birthday spankings (complete with handcuffs), right?

Must be tough getting old. :P

PS- Does this mean it's my birthday too?

Labels: Madge Worship, Reinvention

"I'd like to begin by saying first to Roosevelt E. Roosevelt: 'What it is... what it shall be... what it was.' Weather out there is hot and shitty, with continued hot and shitty through the rest of the afternoon. Tomorrow, a chance of continued crappy with a pissy weather front coming down from the north. Basically, it's gonna be hotter than a snake's ass in a wagon rut." - Adrian Crounauer, impersonating Walter Cronkite.

Everyone's favorite new queen of pop spent too much time Tuesday walking and sweating - thank goodness I left the stiletto heels at home. While sweating can be fun, that kind of sweating isn't. Fortunately, got all the paperwork for my (hopeful) new palace complete. Hopefully I'll get some good news Friday. The sooner that this place USED to be my playground, the better. Bye bye baby, indeed.

Shoutouts to Rob, who has also linked me. Anyone else who reads and hasn't linked, well... Just open your heart.

Labels: Boot Worship, Mi Vida Loca, Reinvention, That's What Friends Are For

(Isn't it fun to title these posts after Madonna's songs? Or Esther's songs? Or my songs? Does this mean I get to celebrate two birthdays? Geez, maybe I am losing it.)

Ever feel like you're expected to be in two places at once? That's what this week has felt like. Reinvention Tour by night, relocation tour by day. Everyone's favorite (new) Material Girl has had her hands full this week, trying to move into a palace more befitting on a (new) pop queen and get out of a place that would make Tupac proud. It's gone about as smoothly as Shanghai Surprise did. As Leonard McCoy once said, the beaurocratic mentality is the only constant in the universe. It'd be nice if loved did make the world go 'round, instead of red tape and useless paperwork.

All the stress and chaos, combined with the fact this IS August 5th, has indeed made me act like a Bad Girl - drunk by six (am), and have smoked too many cigarettes today. Of course, I haven't kissed anyone else's lips - more like I'm worried about getting fucked up the ass without a kiss.

Maybe things will settle down next week.

Maybe next week I'll finally be in my new palace. I can be singing about how this USED to be my playground, and show these people the power of goodbye.

Shoutouts to everyone reading this and who has linked to me. That means, well... Hi Krissie!

Labels: Madge Worship, Reinvention, Smoking In The Girls' Room, That's What Friends Are For

Everything's up and running. Comments, photos, links to other blogs, and even a bio page!

Thanks again to Rob for his great work!

Labels: Reinvention, That's What Friends Are For