Don't tell that to me right now, the way my arthritis is acting up in my hands... I think I just turned 33, and my hands just turned 80.

As some of you know, it has been one heck of a month, in more ways than one...

I've started housecleaning as far as my blogs go. I've already nuked the sports blog, and will nuke the other two public ones in the near future. I was going to erase them ASAP, but decided there are a couple fitting anniversaries coming up.

June 2 will be the fourth anniversary of Ken Jennings' reign of terror. I figure that would be the appropriate date to shut that blog down.

June 15, of course, will be the one year anniversary of Bob Barker's final show. I will get the posts from that blog moved over here, then shut it down on that date.

So, relive the memories there while you have the chance.

And, no, there are no plans at this time to shut this blog down. I had fleeting thoughts of it, between Rob's own retirement, and my lack of posting so far here in 2008. But I just don't see it as necessary. There is still a Blogathon coming up. And who knows when the inspiration will strike to write again?

So, I'm still here. I'll write when the inspiration strikes. And anyone wanting to drop a line, contact me, or leave a comment if you don't knew where to reach me.

I'll now leave you with the best bit of political commentary so far here in 2008... Keith Olbermann rules!

Labels: Barker Worship, Bushwhacking, Mi Vida Loca, The Stormin' Mormon

Yes, true, August means the summer, which means insane heat around "beautiful" Southern Californhell, and as usual this summer hasn't "disappointed" when it's come to proving insane temperatures (including one lovely afternoon where it was 98 and CLOUDY around 5 pm)... But, summer also means some awesome birthdays, like the Queen and the real Queen Of Country.

No, not Shania, of course... But, Queen Sherrie, who turned 37 today (or yesterday, depending on her point of view). Happy Birthday, Sherrie!

It's hard to believe it's been a little over ten years since her (country) debut album, Words, came out - or 15 years or so since her pop debut came out (which, needless to say, got neither the airplay nor publicity that Erotica got). It's also more than a little sad to think it's now been four years since Sherrie has released an album at all, and there really isn't any word at this point as to when, or if, we'll see more work for her (outside of her writing for other artists - the latest being the song "Bad For Me" that was recently released by Danielle Peck).

Still, I do hope she is having a special day, and that she is happy - though I do miss the hell out of her.


As promised, here are the "questions" to the recent "answers" I posted from that awesome Jeopardy! category, Prime Madonna. To my shock, Elaine only batted .800 and not the 1.000 that I expected, though I do assume she might've misread one of the clues. In fine Jeopardy! tradition (though the only place where I even remotely resemble Ken Jennings is on the PC version of the game), I'll give the responses in the form of a question. :P

"$200: In January 1985 Madonna & this actor had their first date; they'd be married by August". Who is Sean Penn?

"$400: In 1992 Madonna's Mae Mordabito took the field with Geena Davis in this film". What is A League Of Their Own?

"$600: "Don't just stand there, Let's get to it, Strike a pose, There's nothing to it"; come on, it's this hit song". What is "Vogue"?

"$800: Madonna was Breathless (Mahoney) in this 1990 detective flick". What is Dick Tracy?

(Lil' Breathless: I knew that!)

Yeah, I figured she would. And you know what's amazing? You look the same that you did back then! How do you do it?!

So far, so good. But I think Elaine might've misread the $1,000 clue, because this was the one she missed (I think she focused on "scholarship", and not "studio", because while Madge did indeed earn a scholarship to attend the University of Michigan, she did also earn a dance scholarship to a dance school as well...).

"$1,000: In 1977 Madonna won a scholarship to the studio of this alliteratively named N.Y. choreographer". Who is Alvin Ailey?

(And, no.. Had it not been for reading three biographies on The Queen, I would not have known that myself.)

So, now all I can do is sit back and wait for the $3,000 check from Jeopardy! for sweeping the category... Which, I know, will be here any day now, along with the $1,000,000+ check I know they are sending me for winning 40 straight games on the PC version... And, of course, those $1,000,000 checks from winning the PC version of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire...


Speaking of game shows, we originally planned to attend the August 29 taping of The Price Is Right. Due to some things coming up (and some questions), we've decided to postpone. We're likely to be attending an October 25 taping instead.

Even after postponing the plans for tomorrow, I had wanted to do at least one taping this season as a show of respect toward Drew. I had talked the talk, and it's only fair to walk the walk. So, it wasn't a question of if, but when.

Well, I got news recently on golden-road.net that October 25, which will be the last taping in October, is going to mark the second time this year that an era will come to a close at Television City... Because on October 25, Chuck Dukas is going to show up in his snappy red jacket, deliver the rules and regulations in the way that only Chuck can, and fire up 330 people for the last time.

Working as a page at CBS is a paid intern position, where these young people only initially work for twelve months. They can apply for an addition six months, but there is no guarantee to being approved. Well, Chuck has not only used up his initial twelve month period, but at the end of October, he'll also have used up his six month extension.

I still regret not being there to say goodbye to Bob (and had I known for sure that I would've camped out for 24 hours, and gotten in, I would've been there). But it's only fitting that as one of the people who helped create the Legend Of Chuck in the first place that I should be there to send off The Greatest Page Of All-Time in fine style - by leading (at least) one last final, thunderous chant...

CHUCK! CHUCK! CHUCK! CHUCK! CHUCK!

First Bob, and now Chuck... After October, Television City will truly never be the same.

But, we'll always have 8/31/*6... And 5/17/07... And, who knows? Twice now, when The Maddy and The Chuck have gotten together, great things have happened. Maybe 10/25/07 will lead to one last moment of magic.


Speaking of The Drew Is Right, if you haven't been watching Power Of 10, shame on you. Great show, and Drew does a great job hosting it. Wednesdays at 8 pm on CBS... Be there!

Labels: Chuck, Madge Worship, Stone Cold Sherrie Austin, The Drew Is Right, The Stormin' Mormon

Between the last post, and last Tuesday, I definitely need some giggles. How about the rest of you?

Last Tuesday, of course, not only did the nail get put in baseball's coffin (amazingly, the head on it looks like an asterisk), I got into a major war with my sister (the one I WAS on good terms with). It's a long story, and I'm not going to get into it here, but I'll say this: We're not likely to speak again until she has a personality transplant.

That said, onto some lighter fare...

I finally got around to reading Ken Jennings' book, Brianiac. Very enjoyable read that not only took a look at his run through game show history (including his thoughts on how he knew it was over before the Final Jeopardy! music ended during game #75), but a look at the history of trivia.

Not only was Ken his usual witty self, but the book was even full of trivia questions (Most of the chapters had ten questions scattered through them, with answers at the end of the chapter).

The only thing is, I must penalize Ken for 15 yards for piling on... Why, you ask?

Ken was discussing how much more intellectual and obsessed with trivia people are in England, then cited a number of examples. The last one was "When Madonna decided she wanted to sound smarter, what phony accent did she adopt? Exactly."

*blows her whistle and throws a yellow flag* "Personal foul, piling on! #74, Jeopardy!. 15 yard penalty, first down!"

Sorry, but sometimes I get a little irked that "The Accent" (which doesn't stand out to me as much as it does with others) has replaced The Boobs as people's favorite thing to blast Madge over...

(Lil' Maddy: Just wait until I get my hands on him! I'll give him a Daily Double!)

Uhh, Ken? There's a 10 inch doll on my desk who'd like to have a word with you...

Moving on, and speaking of Jeopardy!, I was going through the archives over at J! Archive, and was tickled pink when I saw the board for the first round for the 2/27/07 show... The categories were...

Potent Potables.
Condiments
(Burt Reynolds: I'll take that condom thing for eight thou!)

An Album Cover
(Sean Connery: I'll take anal bum cover for $7,000!)

A Petit Dejouner
(Burt Reynolds: Yeah.. Uhh.. Why don't you give me ape tit for $400!)

Famous Titles
(Sean Connery: The day is mine! I'll take famous titties for $800!)

Japan US Relations
(Sean Connery: I'll take jap anus relations for $200!)
(Alex Trebek: That's Japan US Relations. That's just awful and you know it!)

Potpourri
And, finally... Therapists
(Sean Connery: Looks like this is my lucky day. Let's try the rapists for $200!)

Just kidding, of course.. No, the real categories were Historic Americans, Brand Names, Political Science, Who Says, Also a Three-Letter Tree (nothing real impressive yet, I know), and.... Prime Madonna.

(Lil' Maddy - with Wondie's lasso around her: Woo hoo! I'll take Prime Madonna for $200!)

Wondie, what did she do now?

(Lil' Wondie: She was trying to take over the world again, so I stopped her. Honestly, I think she does this on purpose. I think she wants me to use my lasso on her.)
(Lil' Breathless stands there singing "Hanky Panky")

Probably...

Anyway, I think it goes without saying what this category was about... I swept the category myself (What a shock, huh? It'd be like putting a category up there called The Price Is Right, or John Grisham, or Thigh-High Boots, or Insane Barbie Dolls That Stand On My Desk).

But, for the rest of you reading, here were the clues. Feel free to play along at home (and, yes, I get the feeling at least one person reading along will have no trouble with this category, either) - just be sure to answer in the form of a question!

$200: In January 1985 Madonna & this actor had their first date; they'd be married by August

$400: In 1992 Madonna's Mae Mordabito took the field with Geena Davis in this film

$600: "Don't just stand there, Let's get to it, Strike a pose, There's nothing to it"; come on, it's this hit song

$800: Madonna was Breathless (Mahoney) in this 1990 detective flick
(Lil' Breathless: Ohh! I know! I know!)

I would HOPE that you would know that one, dear!

$1,000: In 1977 Madonna won a scholarship to the studio of this alliteratively named N.Y. choreographer

Answers will be in the next post, though I'd imagine even casual fans should know at least three of the five easily... And, yeah, I even knew the $1,000 clue - the benefits of reading three different biographies on The Queen...

In the second round, in the sixth column, we got Prima Donna. Not quite as entertaining, since it involved Donnas and not Madonna.

Lastly, in yet another example of the unstoppable influence of Queen Madonna, imagine my shock last week when I was looking over CNN's sports page, and saw a rather familiar face in an unusual place. Yes, next to the link for "Extra Mustard" (Kind of SI's sports mixed with entertainment coverage), there was a picture of Her Madgesty, from the Confessions Tour.

Needless to say, I had to click on that link... It led to a brief piece (and link) to a blog post about entrance music for baseball players. And the reason that Madge's picture was on a sports site was because Matt Holliday of the Colorado Rockies steps up to the plate to a song that he shares his name with:



Baseball may be dead, but Matt Holliday is good and wise.

(Lil' Wondie: What were you doing in THAT picture?)
(Lil' Maddy: Striking a pose?)
(Lil' Wondie: Uh huh...)

Labels: Boot Worship, Lil' Maddy, Lil' Wondie, Madge Worship, Mi Vida Loca, The Stormin' Mormon

Well, Mr. 74 got himself back in the press this week - mainly because some people can't tell the difference between a serious post, and a spoof.

Last week, Ken Jennings made a post on his blog, giving all sorts of outrageous, over-the-top solutions to things Jeopardy! viewers complain about, and even made some outlandish statements like suggesting Alex Trebek was killed in a fiery crash and replaced by the Trebektron 4000.

I mean, honestly. The post comes across as the kind of thing I'd post - wacky, outrageous and so far out in left field that even one of Mark McGwire's steroid-fueled home runs couldn't reach it...

But what has floored me has been the number of people (including some reporters and columnists) who have assumed this post was serious and have blasted Ken for being "ungrateful" and "disrespectful".

C'mon, people. Ken's post is about as serious as me blasting the media for how they treat me (as opposed to "me", AKA Esther Madge). When did people forget how to tell the difference between serious commentary and satire?

This whole fiasco brings to mind the time Catherine Crier (of Court TV) stuck her foot in her mouth a few years ago...

Catherine reported live on Court TV about Steven Bosell suing the Department Of Homeland Security shortly after the whole "We have a threat of a biological attack. Use duct tape and plastic sheeting to seal your doors and windows if there is an attack."

(Mmmm... Duct tape. Wait, did I just say that? Shit. Here I go again... :P)

Anyway, according to the lawsuit, Bosell wrapped his genitals up in duct tape, then experienced excrutiating pain when he removed the tape. He then decided to sue the DHS for infliction of emotional distress.

There's just one little problem... The lawsuit did't exist.

In fact, Steven Bosell doesn't even fucking exist.

Bosell is a character on Phil Hendrie's radio show, voiced by Hendrie himself. He was created to spoof all these outrageous lawsuits, and among other "cases", he's also "sued" Justin Timberlake and Janet Jackson for the Super Bowl Boobiegate, and Debbie Gibson for posing in Playboy.

What's even more pathetic is that my friend Sydney has been a long-time fan of Hendrie's show, and had connections to Court TV. When he found out they were going to run the story, he called and warned them not to.

They didn't listen.

I swear, the media has their heads up their asses sometimes. And people wonder why I refuse to jump everytime the media reports something about Esther Madge? Easy: They can't tell when Ken Jennings is being a smart-ass, and they can't take a few minutes to figure out whether Steven Bosell's "lawsuit" (or even Bosell himself) really exist.

That deserves a fucking sheesh.

Listening to: "Axel F" by Harold Faltermeyer, "Take It To The Limit" by The Eagles

Labels: Blogathon 2006, Parodies, Presstitutes, The Stormin' Mormon

First off, again, I'm late on the Barkerisms, and will catch up on most of them before leaving Saturday.

However, you won't find them here - because you'll find them there.

That's right.. I figured that TPIR was getting so much discussion it may as well get its own blog. Now, it's still pretty raw - no links, no fancy template, but all the previous TPIR posts have been copied over to there.

Anyone who wants me to post their link there, contact me and it will be done once I get the chance to get the ball rolling on it.

That of course makes four blogs - this one, TMIRB, the Ken Jennings blog (which is on hiatus, and could be permanemtly based upon recent news), and the sports one (and I've paid so little attention to sports so far this year it's not even funny).

There will now be a new monthly feature here: The top 20 search strings of the month. That's right, now that I can access my stats, I now know what people are typing into to find my wacky little site.

And here's the top 20 for May, complete with my witty and charming thoughts:

1. loser (404: Page not found. Try looking in your mirror instead.)
2. madonna blog (Well, kind of, but thanks!)
3. debbie gibson nude (Sorry, we don't serve fried eggs here!)
4. bob barker (Bob is God!)
5. madonna blogs (Well, thanks again)
6. madonna (That's me! I'm cha-cha-cha-cha-cha... Delicious!)
7. madonna layout (Well, we have one...)
8. madonna layouts (...and only one.)
9. lourdes ciccone kabbalah (Who? Oh, her. I wonder if she's into Kabbalah, too?)
10. madonna controversy (Because there's live, there's Memorex, there's controversy, and there's MADONNA controversy)
11. madonna's blog (And thanks again)
12. peter tomarken (Rest in peace)
13. peter tomarken plane crash (Still hard to believe he's gone)
14. archibald wrig- (Go the distance!)
15. bob barker madonna (The king and queen!)
16. esther canseco (Sorry, Jose's first wife isn't here)
17. images of bob barker from 1986 (He was so cute back then!)
18. madonna's nicknames (Maddy, Madge, Emmy, etc. etc. etc.)
19. michael larson game show sounds (Stop at... a Whammy!)
20. pioneer sa-510 (Still need to get mine fixed up, huh?)

A few other notable search strings I saw earlier in the month:

"sherrie austin nude" (Good luck. And, no, I won't photoshop one for you...)
"bob barker bobblehead" (Where do I get one?! Gimme!)

Cute. Really cute.

Now, to move onto an issue that is irking the hell out of me, and I'm tired of biting my tongue about it. No, the media isn't all over Madonna's ass like a wet diaper again. It's just Hollywood stupidity that is flirting with sacrilige...

Let's step back into Maddy's time machine, and take a trip back to 1980. Ahhh, yes, 1980...

You could still turn on the radio and get good music. Hell, there was even good TV. Bob Barker was a mere 57 years old (he was so cute back then!), Johnny Olson was still shouting "Come on down!". And Jimmy Carter was still the president.

I was five, and in kindergarten. And Maddy would discover one of her lifelong passions, thanks to the TV. No, this time it wasn't Bob, or Wink, or Jack offering money and prizes to contestants.

It wasn't even a cartoon...

No, it was a young woman running around in a star-spangled swimsuit. Yes, boys and girls, it was none other than Wonder Woman, in one of those great, fun, campy TV shows we used to get before nasty humor and humilating reality TV infested our homes every night.

I loved the show. It was exciting, and fun, and could even be downright funny at times. And, of course, Lynda Carter just kicked so much ass...

Well, sadly, like so many other great TV shows (Star Trek, Quantum Leap, The Greatest American Hero, The Facts Of Life after Sherrie Krenn/Austin joined the cast), Wondie didn't last too long - axed after just three seasons, sadly. But, fortunately, she stayed around in syndication for a few years after that.

I've recently been getting ahold of the old episodes, which I hadn't seen in over 20 years (and in some cases, 25 years). Talk about a walk down memory lane...

But, Hollywood - old school Hollywood, washed up Hollywood! - has reared its ugly head yet again, and wants to take a big, steamy shit all over one of Maddy's fondest childhood memories: They want to bring back Wonder Woman in a live-action move.

Now, you know what that means here in the 21st century: Get some actress who looks good, can't act worth a shit, and is popular to pop on the ol' bullet-proof bracelets. Among the names tossed around have been Sandra Bullock (Sandra, I love you, but... no.), Carmen Electra (say what?), and... Lindsay Lohan?!

Lindsay fucking Lohan?! That airhead and her air boobs?! Why?! Because you think getting this trendy, no-talent, manufacted teen star will bring all the teeny-boppers to the theaters?

So, Maddy thought long and hard... Who could be the new Wonder Woman? I mean, maybe it's silly to you, but this question is almost as meaningful to me as what's the answer to life, the universe and everything...

Who could fill Lynda Carter's red and white boots? Well, I gave it some thought, and here are a few names of my own...

#3: Madonna. It sounded good at first, but then... No. She'd turn the transformation into some elaborate dance move... She'd want the costume replaced with leather or latex... And could you picture her with that magic lasso? "Tell me the fucking truth, motherfucker!", or even using it for something, uhh... kinky.

Worse yet, the film would never get a chance, just because it's Madonna - even though Madonna can do campy and cute (see: Who's That Girl?).

So, no... No Esther Madge. Sorry.

#2: Sherrie Austin. Okay, so I'm being biased here. I love Sherrie, and seven years ago, while drunk one night, Maddy had a little fun with PhotoDeluxe...

Well, after two hours of tinkering and toying, and cropping, and airbrushing, Maddy came up with this...




Now, take a look at that.. See, she'd make a perfect Wonder Woman, no?

Except, of course, for a few minor problems...

Like the fact she's about 5' even and isn't exactly built like an "Amazon"...

And the fact nobody has heard for her...

*sigh* So much for that idea, huh? Back to the drawing board...

So, recently, I'm browsing around online, and could across a picture, and the first thing that pops into my head is "Holy shit!". I pictured her in that tiara, and bracelets, and star-spangled swimsuit, and those boots, and thought "My god! She could be the next Wonder Woman! Amazing!"

And then, I sat here scratching my head.. Why the hell hasn't Hollywood noticed her? Why hasn't she gotten any consideration? Hollywood IS dumber than I thought...

I mean, take a good look at her... She's gorgeous. She could play the part. Just imagine her in the costume...



And there you go... My pick for the next Wonder Woman is... THE LAST ONE!

I don't give a flying fuck if she's two months away from eligible for the senior's menu at Denny's.. I don't care if she hasn't played the part in nearly 30 years... I don't care if she hasn't done anything successful in nearly 20 years... Lynda Carter STILL has it. She's still gorgeous, and I honestly think she could play the part yet again.

Besides, from what I've learned over the years, one of the biggest reasons Wonder Woman is so popular IS because of Lynda's portrayal. Bring her back, and you bring instant credibility and respectibility to this project.

Instead, you bring in a Lindsay Lohan type, and maybe you bring in the teeny-boppers, but you alienate your fanbase. The Lynda Carter fans won't touch that film with someone else's 20 foot pole.. Hell, I know I won't!

Besides, after a turbulant 90's where Lynda battled depression and alcoholism, what a comeback story that would make, and who doesn't love a comeback story - especially a comeback story involving a superhero?

And how fitting it would be, to bring back an ageless beauty to play an ageless Amazon...

So, wake up and smell the noise, Hollywood. You want Wonder Woman? There she is. She knows the role, she can play the role, and she'd help you make a KILLING with this film.

BRING BACK LYNDA CARTER!

And, don't worry, Maddy won't charge you a cent for her advice... Just take it. Please!

Labels: Barker Worship, I'll give you a search string, Madge Worship, Madonna encounters Madonna, Stone Cold Sherrie Austin, The Stormin' Mormon, You're A Wonder

It's January, it's cold, life is chaotic as ever. Hmmm... What to do to pass the time? Gee, how about spending Thursday at the Mecca of game shows?

After dragging my feet for decades to get around to attending my first taping of The Price Is Right, it took just two months and ten days to make it Los Angeles for taping #2.

Instead of a lengthy play-by-play of the trip, like with taping #1, instead I'll stick to highlights and fun from Television City itself. And, believe me, there was plenty of it!

Live, the Universe and Everything: When you attend a taping of The Price Is Right, you are given a number. This is so they can match up your number with the contestant card you fill out so they know who they are picking.

What number was I? You guessed it... 42! And, yes, I still have my orange contestant card (along with my nametag). At some point, I must scan it...

Happy Gilmore lives!: Fortunately, Bob is not ashamed of his cameo in Happy Gilmore, because there's no way the younger fans will let him forget it...

We had three fans show up on Thursday with T-Shirts that had a picture of Bob from his fight with Happy, with "Don't mess with Bob, or he'll give you a smackdown!" printed on them.

However, not to be outdone, we had Devon, who was attending his first taping. He arrived in a Boston Bruins jersey, and red pants - yep, he came as Happy Gilmore! Sadly, Devon was not picked. That would've indeed been priceless!

Welcome to Insanityville! Population: 325: It was supposed to be nice little taping. What nobody counted upon was the "T.S." group...

A group of retailers for a company called Tastefully Simple were at the taping, and a few women in the group were, well, wild. Everytime someone walked by wearing a contestants' nametag, they would shout out their name and start cheering... "James!" "Michael!" "Deborah!".

I had to walk past a group of people waiting to go into a taping of Tyra Banks' show to get to the restroom, and they were all sitting there, so nice and quiet and calm. I was almost tempted to say to them "Look at you. Such a nice, quiet crowd. So calm. Look at those lunatics. I can't do anything. They're out of control!", then look down at my nametag and say "Whoops, I guess I'm one of them, too..."

I don't know what lead to what, but by about 12:45, Mike and I were getting into the act, too. Everytime someone walked by, we shouted and cheered. When people finished up their interviews and walked past, we cheered. We cheered them when they found the right bathroom (yes, one guy accidentally walked into the WOMEN'S restroom!). We cheered the trash truck as it drove by. We cheered total strangers. We shouted "GO! GO! GO!" when a page ran past us. We were doing the wave. It's like we lost our minds out there...

We were even making up chants, and I came up with "GIVE YOUR BID!" (think of the commercial with Peyton Manning chanting "CUT THAT MEAT! CUT THAT MEAT!"). Mike loved that so much he decided to shout it if a contestant took too long on the item up for bids (and yes, it DID happen during the taping!).

At this point. I was now convinced that this taping was the craziest thing I've ever done, replacing the November taping...

Right in front of us were four young men from Canada, also at their first taping. As the day went on, they too were getting in the act - cheering, yelling, plotting up trouble, you name it. They kept talking about rushing up on stage and celebrating if a member of the T.S. group won, which eventually became "We'll just rush up on stage, who cares who wins!". Fortunately, they didn't rush the stage, but they gave me plenty of laughs throughout the day...

How crazy were things? During our final set of instructions from Robert (a CBS page) before going into the studio, Mike and I kept laughing at things we felt were funny. He looked at us and said "I don't know what you two are on, but I want some of it! Really." And, just before we walked in, he again said "Seriously. I want what you're on!". I should've told him the truth: Caffeine and adreneline!

The Return: Just after 2:00 pm, we once again made that walk up the stairs and into the famous studio itself. I couldn't help but to get a kick out of the people astonished at how small the set really is - knowing that just two months earlier, I was as astonished as they were.

There was little doubt in my mind how much energy there would be today. I mean, if we can spend hours cheering each other, cheering at the trash truck and laughing it up, I could only imagine what it was going to be like once the show began.

All that was left was the warmup and instruction from Rich Fields, and we were ready to go. Of course, we were plenty warmed up already...

"Please humor the old man!": It's fun to cheer at each other ("Jimmy! Woo hoo!"). It's fun getting nuts outside on the benches. But nothing beats the fun once The Man is in the house, and to the surprise of nobody, Bob was once again greeted with a wild, loud standing ovation just after 2:30 pm. This time around, I did join in with Mike for the "We're not worthy!" routine.

You, of course, cannot have Bob Barker without Barkerisms, and Bob most certainly delivered once again - both on and off camera. No, we did not get "The price is right, bitch!" on Thursday, but we got plenty to keep us laughing throughout the hour.

During the first commercial break, Bob responded to standing ovation #2 with his usual line, "Thank you, but please... One standing ovation a day is plenty!".

He then told us that they were going to be on vacation next week... "We're going on vacation after today. We'll be off for a week. So, please, let's end this week on a positive note. Laugh at all my little tricks... Please humor the old man!"

Before the second item up for bids, a woman from a group of nurses was called on down, and had more than enough energy to scare Bob a little... "Nurses are supposed to help people. Have you ever hurt anyone? Please don't hurt me! You scare me! Now, if you get up on stage, please realize I am old and brittle!"

After playing a pricing game for a car, Bob had this zinger for the audience: "The network is complaining that we are over budget. They're always saying we're over budget. Of course, we don't pay for the budget anyway. And if we go over budget, we still don't pay - so we don't care! Besides, we want to see you guys win!"

A woman raised her hand, and had two questions for Bob...

"Bob, I have two questions for you, if that is okay?"
"No, you only get one question, see?" (Bob is holding up two fingers and laughing)
"How many kids do you have?"
"I have no kids... I got rid of them all!"
"Tomorrow I will be born. Will you be my father?"
"Sure!"

And if you need fashion help, go see Bob... And the best part of this one is that Mike and I got in on a Barkerism!

"Bob, those are awesome pants!"
"You like my pants? How much do you bid on them?"
(Mike and I are sitting there, holding up one finger, as in one dollar. Bob accidentally calls on Mike, thinking he wants to ask a question)
"No, I was giving you my bid for your pants... One dollar!"
"Ohhh... Higher!"

A young woman was celebrating the big 2-1, and knew how she wanted to spend the night...

"Bob, today is my 21st birthday, and I'm going out to the bars tonight. Will you come with me?"
"You better have a large sum of money!"

And what can I say, but Bob didn't want to sign his own face...

"Bob, take a look at my shirt!" (the woman was wearing a black shirt with a picture of Bob's face on it)
"Wow, that is great!"
"I wanted you to get a look at yourself. Will you sign it for me?"
"Absolutely not!"

And here's a two-part Barkerism. A young man said the following:

"Bob, I just wanted to say you're a national treasure."
"Well, thank you!"

Right after that, a woman in the T.S. group got Bob's attention:

"Bob, we sell gourmet food, and have some samples for you."
"Gourmet food? I think that's fitting for a national treasure!"

And, if you've ever wanted to be a Barker's Beauty (I don't know about this one, only because it's been some time since I've seen a Beauty in thigh-high boots!):

"How do I become a Barker's Beauty?"
"Send your pictures to Fingers Greco... Then maybe you will be up here, modeling a new refrigerator!"

(Anytime Bob mentions writing into the show, such as when he let his hair go gray, he always tells everyone to write to Kathy "Fingers" Greco).

Bob had many more zingers that will be on the air, and you can bet in a few weeks they'll be featured here!

Acknowledging the crazy audience: No doubt Bob and Rich knew they had a bunch of live ones, and Rich got into the act with his own Richism:

"We have some crazy people here today. I can see the margaritas we gave out earlier in the day helped. Did anyone not get a margarita? Okay, see that page over there? Go talk to her!"

The karmic stomach cramp/I went to The Price Is Right and all I got was...: Just before the second Showcase Showdown, the combination of dehydration (two cups of coffee and no water), starchy food (the waffle I ate for breakfast) and overdoing it caught up, and I had the worst stomach cramps I've ever had in my life. I thought I was going to faint, and what didn't help was the congestion on the staircase as we were leaving (it took about 10 minutes to get outside)...

The original plan was to get out, get to the bus stop, and start the trip home. However, I had to get to a bathroom...

After doing my thing, I decide to sit down for a few minutes and try to get myself together. While we're sitting there, a page walks by and recognizes us...

"You two were at The Price Is Right today, weren't you?"

We told her we sure were, and loved it. She then said "Well, I think I have something you'll like" and reaches for something on her clipboard (underneath some papers)...

She pulls out two authographed pictures of Bob Barker.

So, now I have another goodie for the collection, to eventually be framed and put up on the walls, along with my Madonna posters, my Sherrie posters and photos (most of which are autographed), my pass from the 1979 Bob Hope Classic (signed by Arnold Palmer), and my autographed photo of Ken Jennings.

I most certainly enjoyed the experience, but the picture was certainly the icing on the cake. And, to think: Had it not been for my stomach cramps, I wouldn't have gotten that!

It was a real blast, and we're looking at doing it again. Very likely in March, and we certainly want to be there for the opening episode of season 35!

Now, this week's televised Barkerisms:

"That beautiful sound means one of you was exactly right, and will win $500. And I will bet you right now it is NOT Rachel!" - Bob, in response to Rachel's $1 bid

"Now, Earl, remember when you first tried to put that 9 down there, the audience booed and moaned and yelled. Which just goes to show just how much they know about what's going on here!" - Bob, taking a stab at the audience as Earl played Cover Up

"Now I will wager that never, ever will Earl go with his gut again!" - Bob, after Earl's gut feeling didn't work out

"That's a pretty sloppy cut there, I must say. They break your wrist for that in Vegas!" - Bob, on Angela's sloppy cut in Hit Me

"Where you do live, Patricia? Now, the questions get easier as we go!" - Bob, trying to put a nervous woman at ease

"She insists on fainting!" - Bob, worried that Patricia wants to join the short list of TPIR contestants that have fainted

(Just before the Showcase Showdown)
Bob: "Now, incidentally, Patricia, are you all right?"
Patricia: "I think so."
Bob: "You're gonna be all right, yes. They gave her a little tequila backstage and I think it settled her down."

"I have just found out that Emily, here, is with Bridgewater College's group that we have up here. Bridgewater College is in Virginia, and most of the people in the group here are studying communications. And if they want to learn television, they have come to the right place!" - Bob, trying to show us that The Price Is Right is also educational

"Anthony was standing there, smiling confidently... He would've let me send that poor lady outta here, you know! Keep this straight here, Barker!" - Bob, who must've drank the tequilia, because he briefly forgot that 50 cents is more than 45!

Bob: "I don't understand... No wait, wait! I do not, do not, understand what brought that reaction! I was simply telling them - there's some people here from South Dakota - that this past summer Sioux Falls, at one of the baseball games, they gave away bobblehead dolls... Bob Barker bobblehead dolls." (audience goes nuts, Rich laughs)
Bob: "Now, wait a minute. Wait a mi... All right! I feel like I'm on Truth or Consequences again, you know? I can't say that. I can't say the word because... Are they flashing 'applause' signs or what are you doing? We have a weird audience here!"
Rich: "Yes, very weird."
Bob: "But, man. I'm not going to say any more about it! I can say 'bobblehead', that's all right, yeah... That's all right, but we won't say whose bobblehead it is!"

(During the warmups, Rich instructs the audience to go nuts if they hear Bob and Barker together. Don't go nuts if he says "Bob" by itself, or "Mr. Barker", only if you hear "Bob Barker".)

"I know just how your mind is working. You thought 'That old man won't notice this!' But I did!" - Bob, after Shawn tried to pull a fast one

"Now step over there. Don't press the red button until you want to stop the Rangefinder because we can't start it again for weeks!" - Bob, finally using something besides "37 hours" on Range Game!

"I want our viewers to know that I had a very exciting few moments here during that last commercial. I learned that at Arizona State University, they have a Bob Barker Fan Club and look! We have a HUGE group from my fan club... Stand up, both of them! Now, when I express a certain amount of disappointment at the size of the group, these young ladies claim that there are hundreds of them in the club, but only these two could come today. And I'm happy to have you here!" - Bob, who should realize he has 323 other members of the fan club in the studio already

"And I didn't know what it meant then, but that was different. I was...I was a homeboy then, but with this group - there's a group here, the group is the "BOB IS MY HOMIE" group and that's good, huh? I don't speak this language today, you see? I'm about three decades behind!" - Bob, commenting on a contestant's "Bob is my homie" shirt

This week's Barkerism Of The Week shows that while Bob is hazardous to Happy Gilmore's health, Chuck Norris can be hazardous to his health!

"Now I was... I was telling the audience a story and I was interrupted by the television show - and it starts - and I didn't get to finish my story. There was a fellow in the audience asked me to tell the story about Chuck Norris. And I pointed out that I had studied karate with Chuck Norris for about eight years and that he was over at my home one day and we were sparring. He kicked me in the ribs, and it hurt a lot - and it continued to hurt. And his brother was over in another couple of days and he kicked me in the other side, and it also hurt. Eventually I went to the doctor, and I was X-rayed, and the doctor came back and said 'Bob, I can see why you're uncomfortable.' He said 'you have two cracked ribs on each side! So, I went home and I was speaking to my mother and I told her about it and she said 'I think maybe you're gonna have to stop playing with those Norris boys!'"

Labels: Barker Worship, Bidding On Bob's Pants, Camp Barker, That's What Friends Are For, The Stormin' Mormon

Phenomenon Of The Year: The comeback of, well, ME - who proved there is life after American Life

Honorable mention: Howard Stern putting the nail in the coffin of terrestrial radio. BABA BOOEY!

Biggest Debacle Of The Year: FEMA's handling of Katrina. Does the government even give a shit anymore unless it involves corporations or war?

Dishonorable Mentions: George W. Bush, the continuing mass murder in Iraq, Terrell Owens, Debbie "Do as I say, not as I do" Gibson, Congress being more obsessed with investigating sports than investigating real shit, the FCC

Most Amusing News Story Of The Year: Pat O'Brien, whose drug abuse and sexual harassment inspired the most amusing blog of the year, I'm Stuck In Rehab With Pat O'Brien.

Honorable mention: The video game playing granny who cusses up a storm.

Craziest thing I did in ***5: Dragging myself to Los Angeles to finally attend a taping of The Price Is Right, after a 26 year wait

Honorable mentions: Dying my hair BLONDE (it's naturally dark blonde/light brown), turning 30, trying to quit smoking (which at the rate it took the other Madonna to do so, I should be successful in 2011)

Artist Of The Year: Ummm.. This is a tough one. Been around for 22 years, causes controversy, into Kabbalah... Oh, yeah... Madonna!

Honorable Mentions: The Rolling Stones (still kick ass live), Paul McCartney (kick-ass performance at the Super Bowl halftime show)

Worst Artist Of The Year (TIE): Jessica Simpson. You will pay for desecrating "These Boots Are Made For Walkin'"! And Big & Rich? You will pay for desecrating "Like A Virgin"!

Dishonorable Mentions: Shania Twain, Eminem, Christina Aguilera, Gwen "Sellout" Stefani, Lindsey Lohan, Mariah Carey, Kelly Osbourne, Britney Spears, all boy bands and/or any solo acts from any of their members, and nearly all of today's rock and alternative bands that sound the same - even sounding like the have the same lead singer

Song Of The Year: Every little thing that she says or does... I'm "Hung Up", I'm "Hung Up" on Madge

Honorable mentions: Ummm.. The rest of Confessions On A Dance Floor

Worst Song Of The Year (TIE): "These Boots Are Made For Walkin'" by Jessica Simpson, "Like A Virgin" by Big & Rich

Dishonorable mentions: Chances are if it's mainstream and on the charts, it STILL sucks.

Album Of The Year: Confessions On A Dance Floor by Madonna

Honorable Mention: Surely you jest...

Worst Album Of The Year: This is a tough one, with so many clunkers to choose from.. I'll have to go with The Emancipation Of Mimi by Mariah Carey, just because I've been sick of Mariah's overrated music, overgrown ego and her hype for a long time.

Dishonorable mention: 95% of the albums released this year..

TV Series Of The Year: The Price Is Right. Just two months ago, I was ready to hand this to South Park again - especially after the Katrina episode. That changed, however - not because South Park's price was wrong, it just wasn't the closest without going over.

Honorable Mentions: South Park, Jeopardy!

Worst Series Of The Year: Reality TV. Take your pick. Chaotic, Survivor, Fear Factor, The Swan, Amazing Race, American Idol, The Apprentice, the list goes on and on and on... And stop me if you've heard this before - like last year! (Sorry, reality shows will get this every year until they cease to exist)

Dishonorable Mention: Just about anything else on network television...

Game Show Host Of The Year: You have to ask?

Honorable mention: Alex Trebek, who surprised me by doing a fine job with the Ultimate Tournament Of Champions

Worst Game Show Host Of The Year: Ryan Seacrest - if you can call American Idol a game show. Regardless, Seacrest sucks. Seacrest out? Yeah, get out already!

Game Show Moment Of The Year: May 23-25 - the Finals of Jeopardy!'s Ultimate Tournament Of Champions

Game Show Moment Of The YEARS: 34 years later, Bob Barker is like a Timex - he just keeps on ticking...

Best Moment Of The Year: November 16, ***5. THE PRICE IS RIGHT, BITCH!

Honorable mention: May 27 - the big 3-0

Worst Moment Of The Year: August 29, ***5 - when my father was told he has Alzheimer's.

Drunkest I Got In ***5: Hasn't happened... yet. That'll be in about 72 hours.

Favorite Thing To Collect In ***5: My nice, new collection of Madonna T-Shirts and posters, not to mention added a few more pairs to the boot collection

Renewed Passion Of ***5: Last year, of course, it was Madonna - whom I hadn't been a huge fan of since 1988 until last summer.

This year? It is, of course, The Price Is Right.

I had lost interest in recent years, with the game being rushed and too many clueless contestants. But that all changed after finally attending a taping in person.

The price once again is right, bitch!

Phrase Of The Year: For the first time in three years, there is a new saying of the year... "THE PRICE IS RIGHT, BITCH!"

Honorable Mentions: "Oh my god! They killed Kenny!", "Are you fucking ready, London!", "Baba Booey", "YOU'RE WINNER!"

Friends I'm Grateful For In ***5: Ann, Alane, Robert, Eric and his family, Ginger, Sydney, Mike F., Ed, Libby, Rob, Chris, Daria, Krissie, Jenn, Esther (when are we going to find your man?), Mike M., Michelle, Sufwatt, Mike (AKA KS), Gary, Candice, Susan, and Stefanie.

People I Need To Get To Know Better In 2006: KS, my father (whom I've never known as well as I should)

Hopes For 2006: World peace (just like every year), corporations that quit fucking over people for bigger profits, a music industry that quits fucking artists and fans and ruining music, a real head coach for the Rams, a World Series for the Cubs

Phrases I'd Like To Never Hear In 2006:

2005 (which you will never again see me type. EVER!)
Terrell Owens
Paris Hilton
President Bush
Rams coach Mike Martz
FEMA
FCC
Preemptive Strike
Stay the course
War On Terror
Fontana, California
Britney Spears
Jessica and Nick (or either one of them seperately)
Governor Schwarzenegger
All-time home run leader Barry Bonds
Super Bowl Champion New England Patriots
The return on Ron Artest
Michael jordon
And now, here's the star of The Price Is Right, (someone not named Bob Barker)!

Gone But Not Forgotten In ***5: Doris Bertsch, James Doohan, Pat Morita, Eddie Guerrero, Terri Schiavo, Rosa Parks, Ralph Edwards, Paul Hester, Debralee Scott, Luther Vandross, Vincent Schiavelli, Rod Price, Richard Pryor, Peter Jennings, Hunter S. Thompson, Bob Denver, John Vernon, Frank Gorshin, Brock Peters, Johnny Carson, Shirley Chisholm, George Mikan, Nipsey Russell, John Delorean, James Stockdale, Don Adams, Paul Winchell, Chris Schenkel, Barbara Bel Geddes, Hank Stram, Ossie Davis, Wellington Mara, Eugene McCarthy, William Proxmire, Robert Wise, Eddie Albert, Max Schmeling, Ted "Double Day" Ratcliffe (at 103!), Charles Rocket, John Fiedler, Al Lopez, Gene Mauch, Sam Mills, Vic Power, Mickey Owen, Reggie Roby

Labels: BALCO Barry, Boot Worship, Bushwhacking, Gone But Not Forgotten, Katrina, Madge Collecting, Madge Worship, Meathead Martz, Sinead O'Britney, That's What Friends Are For, The Stormin' Mormon, Year In Review

Anyone who knows me knows my rather harsh and unpopular opinions on the mainstream "corporate" press here in the United States, where it seems more and more that we're either being fed lies and omitions to push an "agenda" (war, pro-corporation, anti-Middle East, etc.), or being fed a steady diet of bullshit stories (Bennifer, TomKat, Brad and Jen, Britney Spears does this/that, etc.) to distract us from what REALLY matters - like a war based upon lies, and corporations given carte blance to loot the people and this planet so the fat cats at the top can make even more money.

I've distrusted the American media for the better part of fifteen years now, since being subjected to the blatant lies from the likes of CNN during the first war with Iraq. You know, where we'd get five seconds of footage from a protest, dismissed with a somewhat sarcastic "Yeah, we got people going crazy in the street" - try about 20,000 of them. Then, they'd switch to footage in a mall, and give us several minutes of people waving conveniently provided American flags at the camera. "See? America supports the war!".

That distrust grew in recent years, thanks to the tabloid-style coverage of Chandra Levy's disappearance (Yeah, so a woman is missing? SO WHAT! Drool, everyone - she fucked a Congressman! That's MORE important than her life!), and the completely slanted agenda given to us on 9/11 (where they used OLD footage of a celebration in Palestine, then claimed it was live footage of Palestinians celebriting the attacks. Or, where in the course of three hours they went from "America under attack" to "America's new war", wasting no time to start blaming people even though they didn't know shit at the time!). Multiply that by about 10,000 with the way the majority of the corporate press immediately bought the Bushies' lies about Iraq and Saddam Hussein in ***2.

Honestly, I have paid almost NO attention to the corporate mainstream press in nearly four years, with the exception of catching a major breaking story (like the Columbia disaster a couple years ago). Nor do I intend to anytime soon. I'm allergic to propaganda.

That being said, not everyone who works for a major news agency or is a reporter or anchor with a major network is dishonest and manipulative. However, they are growing fewer and further in between in recent years.

Sadly, yesterday, that list grew even shorter.

Just four months after telling the world he had lung cancer, and barely a week after his 67th birthday, Peter Jennings lost his battle with cancer.

I've always had a great deal of respect for Jennings, even as my overall distrust with the media grew. While I can't say I agree with everything he's ever done or asked during an interview, he is one of the few anchors on television who couldn't get rid of the mentality that he was a REPORTER, and not an entertainer.

He would make the effort to try to get all the facts he could before going on the air, and try to present the whole story, instead of slanting it as so many of the pressitutes today do.

While this mentality existed with any story he covered, we saw it at its best over the last twenty years, when reporting on events in the Middle East. Peter, of course, spent nearly a decade heading a reporting bureau for ABC there, and not only was capable of offering a perspective the rest of the corporate press couldn't, but refused to.

The finest example of this may be during 9/11, when Jennings came right out on the air, not only stating that the views of the "terrorists" do not reflect the views of most of the people in the Middle East, but even offered the insight that our actions there throughout the years have provoked some people there into hating us. He may be to this day the only reporter or anchor with a major network to come right out and state that the "hatred" of America isn't because of our "freedom" and "wealth" and "way of life", but because of our ACTIONS in their land.

And then, of course, there is the praise for Peter's coverage on 9/11, and as far as I'm concerned, he earned every bit of it. Where every other network seemed more interested in scaring and traumitizing people even MORE, or beating the war drums, Peter's presense was calming, comforting, and he focused more on trying to paint a picture of what had happened and what may happen, instead of sensationalizing and pitching an agenda.

In a sense, Peter Jennings was the closest thing we've had since maybe Walter Kronkite of a genuine reporter on network news, a person more interested in truth and accuracy than ratings. A person who struck a chord with viewers - not only because of his honesty, but his style and demeanor. In an day and age where anchors and reporters try to use the stories to make themselves stars and promote their "personalities", Peter seemed more interested in letting the stories be the news, and simply being more of a narrator.

Jennings also deserves credit for being one of the first major news "personalities" (maybe the first) to reach out to the Internet in the mid 1990's. Where many reporters seemed to view Internet users as cracks or predators and went out of their way to portray the Internet as rampant pornography and a danger to children, Jennings saw it as a new media outlet, and treated it as such.

The man had a remarkable forty year career. Why? Because he was unremarkable. He didn't feel the need to make himself part of the story. He wasn't in-your-face like so many of the "new media's" reporters and pundits. He did his job, and did it the best he could.

A great journalist has been silenced, and will be deeply missed. Rest in peace, Peter, and thank you for giving us one voice we could trust all these years.

Labels: Bushwhacking, Gone But Not Forgotten, Presstitutes, The Stormin' Mormon

Well, the unthinkable happened on Friday at 12:00am - I turned 30. I hope all of you took the "over" on the over/under 30 bet in Vegas - because the odds of reaching 30 were astronomical.

In fact, I'd say the odds were about as astronomical as, say, living long enough to find out who Deep Throat was... Wow. Though, knowing the truth about W. Mark Felt, I'm actually disappointed to know. I grew up viewing Deep Throat as a hero. Felt was anything but - he just managed to do something (likely with the wrong motivations) that turned out to be the right thing.

The good news is I don't feel a day younger than 70 - which kind of makes sense. After all, if I was born on 5/27/75, but I've now reinvented myself as Madonna - who was born on 8/16/58, that would make me a combined 76.

The good, the bad, and the ugly:

This anniversary isn't as bad as last ones, simply because at least there's one semi-enjoyable, new anniversary that also falls on this day. But my mother's been gone for 17 years now. Still hurts like hell, and I've lost hope that the day will come when it doesn't hurt like hell. It hurts knowing that someone who truly would be your best friend and biggest supporter and would understand you better than anyone is gone and never coming back. That void has never been filled, and probably truly never will be.

I can only hope the bastard who took her from me is rotting in hell - or has a reservation already made...

I do hope she is at least at peace. While I miss her like hell, she sure suffered too much in her 37-plus years.

Taking a little (and I do mean little) of the sting away is this is also the one year anniversary of something that was enjoyable. It was 365 days ago when episode #4558 of Jeopardy! aired, with two-day champion Jerry Harvey facing off against Julia Lazarus, and a software engineer from Utah named Ken Jennings.

Of course, 365 days later, NOBODY thinks of him as "software engineer Ken Jennings" anymore...

However, sadly, THEY KILLED KENNY, AGAIN! After four months of anticipation, Ken got his ass soundly kicked in the Ultimate Tournament Of Champions. Not that I dislike Brad Rutter in the least, but I would've been happier if he had kicked someone else's ass instead...

Of course, it's not the last we'll see of ol' KenJen. He will be the host and executive producer of a new game show that will air on Comedy Central, expecting to debut in late 2005/early 2006. This, of course, means that my other blog, which looked like it was headed for retirement on November 30, 2004, now has a THIRD life just around the corner...

Ken better looked out, though: One day he may walk onto the set and have ME standing there as one of his contestants!

Goodbye to yet another sports legend: George Mikan, the NBA's first superstar, the man who changed the game forever (widening the lane, the shot clock, the goaltending rule), passed away Wednesday night at the age of 80. Mikan lead the MINNEAPOLIS Lakers to five championships in six seasons, and to this day it burns me that the LOS ANGELES Lakers refuse to retire his number 99. He looked like Clark Kent, but played like Superman. May he rest in peace.

I just wish this time of year could be associated more with joy than with death.

Labels: Gone But Not Forgotten, Mi Vida Loca, The Stormin' Mormon

First off, the news that John Vernon, Ossie Davis and Max Schmelling passed away this week.

Vernon will always be best remembered for his role as Dean Vernon Wormer in Animal House, waging his battle to wipe out Delta House. Among some of his memorable lines were "Double secret probation" and "It's time for someone to put their foot down, and that foot is me." The latter I used in early ***2, during the period of turmoil on chandralevy.com, complete with a photo of a black thigh-high boot and a riding crop.

Davis, of course, was famous for his acting roles dealing with racial injustice - not only on-screen but in real life. Eloquent, well-spoken and of course gave eulogies for BOTH Martin Luther King, Jr. and Malcolm X. A true legend, not only on screen and stage but off...

Schmelling is the only German to ever hold the world heavyweight title, and is best known for his two bouts with Joe Louis. Sadly, he became falsely identified as an idol for the Nazi party in the 30's, and was hated in America as a result - despite the fact Schmelling opposed the Nazi party himself. He used his influence to insure protection for American athletes at the 1936 Olympics, he used his fame and wealth to save some of the Jews during WWII, and in his later years financially helped Louis (and even paid for his funeral).

May they all rest in peace.


The Pro Football Hall Of Fame is now officially tainted, with the induction of Steve Young today. Young, one of the most overrated quarterbacks in NFL history, was also a key figure in the mid/late 90's salary cap cheating scam on the 49ers. Not only should that have been held against him, but it's a serious injustice when his numbers are identicial or worse (for the most part) than Boomer Esiason's, yet Boomer's still on the outside looking in.


In less than 24 hours, Super Bore XXXIX will be over, thank goodness. For two weeks it's been nothing but "Terrell Owens", "Brady is Joe Montana" and Janet Jackson's boob. I'm so sick of hearing about Tom Brady that I think I'd rather listen to the media drool over Joe Montana.

As for Janet's boob, good lord. It was on the screen for about half a second live. A great deal of the viewers didn't notice it, but the press can't shut up about it. It's been replayed so much that they have ensured EVERYONE in America has seen it - even the poor children they claim to be protecting. ESPN, of course, is the worst when it comes to it.

The media is acting like a bunch of teenagers who have never seen a breast before, and now can't shut the fuck up about it.

And for old times sake: Terrell, shut the fuck up.


Star Trek: Enterprise is now history. This will be it's last season. Thank goodness, because Rick Berman fucked up Enterprise the way he fucked up Deep Space 9, Voyager and the last movie. Though, the best part of this is, it leaves Scott Bakula free to do other work. Namely, one certain, particular project...

Last year, Universial announced they were developing a made-for-TV film, Quantum Leap: A Bold Leap Forward. It will take place 20 years after the series finale, and reunite Sam and Al.

Dean Stockwell has been set to play Al for a year now, however, there was no word on who would play Sam, until recently. It was recently confirmed that Scott Bakula will indeed play Sam Beckett once again.

It has been the hope of many Quantum Leap fans - including and especially myself - that a successful TV movie could lead to a new series. The show was one of the most creative and unique shows on television, and ended way before it's time, thanks to NBC constantly moving the show's time slot and pressuring the writers and producers to do things for the sake of ratings (such as Sam leaping into celebrities).

NBC, of course, wouldn't know good television if it bit them in the ass. This is the same network that cancelled the original Star Trek in 1969, didn't give Pippa McKenna her own series (or at least bring back The Facts Of Life for a tenth season), the same network that gave us pathetic crap like Friends, and the same network that crammed Michael jordon down America's throats with the NBA coverage.

So, the good news is if there is a second series, chances are this time around it would be on Sci-Fi, and not NBC. Now, we just need for this film to lead to a new series...


Jeopardy! and Ken Jennings are about to make their way back into the news. On Wednesday, the Ultimate Tournament Of Champions begins. It will start with 150 contestants over Jeopardy! 20 years history, and over 15 weeks be narrowed down to two. Those two finalists will face Ken Jennings with serious bragging rights and money on the line.

Third place gets a guaranteed $250,000. Second will get $500,000. The winner will get $2,000,000 (which, if Ken won, would bring his total to an insane $4,522,700, meaning the only realistic chance we'd see to pass him would be someone getting at least 14 questions right on Super Millionaire).

The Finals are scheduled to air in either May or June. I'll be once again running daily updates on the KenJen blog, which obviously isn't quite ready to be retired just yet...

And even more Ken: A familiar looking package arrived in Thursday's mail. Familiar, because it was the same SASE I had sent in September. In it was a 3x5 photo of Ken and Alex, signed "Debbie, thanks for the kind words! Ken Jennings".

This brings my autograph collection to a whopping three celebrities: Sherrie Austin, Arnold Palmer and now Ken. I at one point had Gary McCord's, but I can't find it and am assuming at this point it was lost during my 37 moves during the 90's.

Thank you, Ken. It was nice to have something positive happen this week.


Lastly, the final topic of the night/week will be getting it's own seperate post, probably sometime over the weekend. It's news that I became aware of on Monday, and has left me in a sour mood all week. I have not yet posted on it, partially from not being able to find the words, and knowing that the post is likely to set a Material Blog record for most uses of the word "fuck" in a single post - and I'm worried that unless I'm somewhat calm, every other word will be "fuck". While that word isn't rare here, there wouldn't be much point to posting something, only to have everyone say "I tried to read it, but after seeing the word 'fuck' 129 times, I gave up".

I'll post it soon enough. But I'll just close this post by saying that the music industry can rot in hell and die for all I care.

Labels: Boobiegate, Cheaters, Corporate Assholes, Gone But Not Forgotten, Religious Right Ain't Right, Sports, Star Trekkin', Terrible Owens, The Stormin' Mormon

The following post is intended to express my views on the last year, and was not achieved by "scientific" means or polling in any manner.

Phenomenon Of The Year: Who else, but Ken Jennings? 74 wins, $2,522,700 in winnings, and made one show on network TV "Must See TV" for me for the first time in years. And it's not over yet - Ken's coming back for an encore in May!

Biggest Debacle Of The Year: The re-selection of Bush, thanks to more dirty tricks in Ohio and Florida.

Honorable Mentions: John Kerry, the continued genocide in Iraq, Paris Hilton

Most Amusing News Story Of The Year: What else, but the one that inspired this blog - a certain Material Girl in her mid 40's deciding to reinvent herself as Esther.


Biggest Sports Story Of The Year (negative): BALCO. The mask has come off once again, and revealed that many of the big names in baseball have cheated their way to MVP statistics. The low point being Barry Bonds - a man flirting with history, and now there is no longer any doubt that he has cheated his way to this point, and is on the verge of tainting one of the biggest records in sports history.

Dishonorable Mention: The Malace At The Palace.

Biggest Sports Story Of The Year (positive): The Boston Red Sox, ending 86 years of heartbreak, of near-misses, and of frustration after capturing their first World Series since 1918.

Now, the Cubs need to join them...

Honorable Mention: Phil Mickelson wins the Masters, ending his 0-for-42 streak in the majors. Only three other players had won the Masters by making a birdie on the 72nd hole.

Sportsman Of The Year (negative): The Thug. Whether it's Rangers pitcher Frank Francisco throwing a chair into the crowd, or the disgusting melee in Detroit where the Indiana Pacers decided to use the fans as punching bags, violence in sports between players and fans reached a new low this year.

(Idea inspired by my friend Mike, who had emailed SI and suggested they name The Thug their Sportsman Of The Year.)

Dishonorable Mentions: Barry Bonds, Gary Sheffield, Jason Giambi, Terrell Owens, Ron Artest, Stephen Jackson, Jermaine O'Neal, Kobe Bryant

Sportsman Of The Year (positive): Brett Favre. Whether it's passing 200 straight games, or once again flirting with 4,000 yards and 30 TD's, or performing despite adversity in his family, or his toughness on the field and class off the field, Favre represents everything that SHOULD be celebrated in sports.

Honorable Mentions: Mickelson, Lance Armstrong, Peyton Manning

Coach Of The Year: Terry Francona. For having enough courage to let the Red Sox be the characters that they are, for doing all the right things with Boston down 0-3 to the Yankees, and for leading the Red Sox to their first championship since World War I.

Honorable Mention: John Fox, for taking the injury-riddled 1-6 Carolina Panthers and leading them to a 7-8 record that can still make the playoffs.

Worst Coach Of The Year: Mike "Meathead" Martz. Whether it's his lying, his scapegoating (Sean Landetta, Chris Chandler, Kurt Warner), his poor coaching or his inability to prepare the team mentally and emotionally, there's no end of the list of reasons why Fartz deserves this "honor". In five years, Fartz took a team that looked like it could become a dynasty and turned them into the laughing stock of the NFL.

Dishonorable Mentions: Jim Tracy, Mike Sherman, Brian Billick, Mike Holmgren


TV Series Of The Year: South Park. In it's eighth season, it's as sharp, witty and controversial as ever, willing to take on everything from the election to Paris Hilton to the Super Bowl halftime fiasco.

Honorable Mention: The Ken Jennings Show, AKA Jeopardy!

Worst Series Of The Year: Reality TV. Take your pick. Survivor, Fear Factor, The Swan, Amazing Race, The Apprentice, the list goes on and on and on...

Dishonorable Mention: The OC (rich, spoiled preppies who fuck up their lives got old with 90210.), just about anything else on network television...


Artist Of The Year: Sherrie Austin. Still the only artist whose career began after 1990 that I still follow... Perhaps because she hasn't sold herself and her fans out?

Honorable Mentions: Madonna, Van Halen (welcome back, Sammy!)

Worst Artist Of The Year: Britney Spears. Not only does her music make my ears bleed, but I'm tired of seeing the woman and tired of the media going gaga over her. People think my antics were bad?

Dishonorable Mentions: Shania Twain, Eminem, Christina Aguilera, Gwen "Sellout" Stefani, Lindsey Lohan, Kelly Osbourne, Jessica Simpson, all boy bands and/or any solo acts from any of their members, and in general just too fucking many to mention.

Song Of The Year (semi-current): "Streets Of Heaven" by Sherrie Austin

Worst Song Of The Year: Chances are if it's mainstream and on the charts, it sucks.

Album Of The Year (semi-current): Streets Of Heaven. While not her finest work, still a very good album, and definitely better than anything that came out in 2004.

Honorable Mention: None. While I'd like to say American Life, I have to admit it's not my finest work.

Worst Album Of The Year: Too many to choose, but I guess I have to go with Britney's GRATEst Hits.


Best Moment Of The Year: MOVING on September 20th.

Worst Moments Of The Year: January 1-September 19.

Drunkest I Got In 2004: November 18th. Just a bit too much to drink that day...

Favorite Thing To Collect In 2004: My nice, new collection of Madonna T-Shirts. I needed to expand my wardrobe, after all...

(Re)newed Passion Of 2004: Madonna. While still sitting #3 on the big list (behind Sherrie and The Beatles), my "reinvention" had lead me to being into Madonna more than I'd been since the late 1980's.

Though, I'll still take Madonna of 1983-1987 over any other period of her career...

Phrase Of The Year: Oh my God! They killed Kenny! (second straight year)

Honorable Mention: What's a hoe?

Friends I'm Grateful For In 2004: Ann, Alane, Robert, Eric and his family, Mike M., Sydney, Mike F., Matt, Libby, Shitpumpkinhead, Rob, Chris, Daria, Krissie, Jenn (congratulations again!), Ginger, Michelle, Sufwatt, Gary, Candice, Susan, and Stefanie.

People I Need To Get To Know Better In 2005: Esther (I love your writing!) and Butch (you're crazy - in a good way!)

Hopes For 2005: World peace (just like every year), corporations that quit fucking over people for bigger profits, a music industry that quits fucking artists and fans and ruining music, a real head coach for the Rams, a World Series for the Cubs

Phrases I'd Like To Never Hear In 2005:

Paris Hilton
President Bush
Rams coach Mike Martz
Yankees pitcher Randy Johnson
Wardrobe Malfunction
Preemptive Strike
War On Terror
Fontana, California
Britney Spears
Jessica and Nick (or either one of them seperately)
John Kerry
Governor Schwarzenegger
All-time home run leader Barry Bonds
Super Bowl Champion New England Patriots
The return on Ron Artest
Michael jordon

Gone But Not Forgotten In 2004: Christopher Reeve, Reggie White, Tug McGraw, Pat Tillman, Mattie Stepanek, Laura Branigan, Gene Wood, Ken Caminiti, Rick James, Johnny Ramone, Paul "Captain Terrell" Winfield, J.J. Jackson, Bob "Captain Kangaroo" Keeshan, Rodney Dangerfield, Tony Randall, Isabel "Weezie" Sanford, Ray Charles, Ronald Reagan, Elroy "Crazy Legs" Hirsch, Art James, Nick and Mary Yankovic, Ralph Wiley, Bob Murphy

Labels: Bushwhacking, Gone But Not Forgotten, Madge Worship, Meathead Martz, Mi Vida Loca, Sinead O'Britney, Sports, Stone Cold Sherrie Austin, Terrible Owens, The Stormin' Mormon, Year In Review

I hate when something doesn't look right.

Ten days later, I turn on Jeopardy! and something doesn't seem right. No, it's not the set - while I actually MISS the original set from the 80's, I've gotten used to the current one...

No, it's not Trebek missing his moustache or even his 70's/80's afro being long gone - though he looked much more amusing with it...

It's the podium that appears on the left of our screen. The one closest to Alex. It just doesn't look right anymore. I guess that's to be expected when the same person stands behind it for 74 games.

Oh my God! Nancy Zerg killed Kenny!

Yes, I'm still going through Ken Jennings withdrawals...

I think they should put a plaque on the podium... Or let Ken carve "Ken was here!" into it.


The NBA is at it again... This time, it's immature/self-centered punk Carmello Anthony taking part in an anti-snitch/witness intimidation DVD. Yet another item on the constantly growing list of why I'll never again follow this sport, which honestly is more of a crime syndicate/gang than a professional sports league at this point.

Classy, Carmello. Real classy. And the sickest part is the owners, general managers and league office clearly don't care anymore. This type of behavior has been a growing problem for a decade, but nobody seems to give a rat's ass as long as they can dunk and sell sneakers.


I've been trying to drag myself into the Christmas spirit. Never easy, and usually doesn't happen until a couple days before Christmas. The holidays aren't the easiest time of the year for me to deal with, with most of my family passed on or out of the state, and there's usually a sense of relief come December 26th.

Depending what may happen as far as GameOvr Radio between now and the 25th, I wouldn't mind doing MY idea of a Christmas show - Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics ("How about we sing 'Kyle's Mom Is A Stupid Bitch' in D-minor!"), Sherrie Austin's "Winter Wonderland", Weird Al's "Christmas At Ground Zero", and my own "Santa Baby". However, it's hard to say if it could happen. Eric unfortunately is dealing with major car problems, and that's been his biggest worry lately (understandably so).

Good luck getting your baby running again.


Love Rob's new terror/stabbing alert system! We need to come up with one for my site as well... Heh heh.


Butch is doing his 2004 lists, and Rob plans to as well. I likely will as well, but will likely finish it and/or post it during the last week of the year.


The "If you want something done, gotta do it yourself!" item of the month: I recent took The Subway Poster (which measures 41" by 61" - this photo was taken from the old, crappy apartment. I intend to take a photo of it sometime soon in my new place) into Michael's to see what it would cost to frame it during one of their 50% off custom framing specials. The total, including tax, came to about $155 - and includes NOTHING to cover or protect the poster itself. They don't carry glass big enough, and don't do any plexiglass. They did suggest I try a hardware store like Lowe's to see what they can do as far as plexiglass. However, let's face it - I'm probably looking at nearly $200 between the plexiglass and framing job. That deserves a fucking sheesh! And it'd only be that much worse if it wasn't 50% off...

So, I'm going to look into materials and do the job myself. I don't know what I'm more shocked over - the price, or the fact I'd be on my own on glass/plexiglass. I mean, if they'd told me $155 and could include some sort of protective covering, I'd have probably done it... But, let's face it - I could easily do this for less myself.

Too bad I couldn't just buy something to display the poster in from these companies that do advertising at bus stops and the like... Then again, if I could, they'd probably quote me a price that makes $155 sound like pocket change.


Two new links added to the left: Jay Jaffe's Around The Bases (part of his great site Futility Infielder) and Buddy's FuckedSports.com. Both are highly recommended reading for baseball/sports fans. Jay offers some great insight into baseball, and Buddy has done a great job exposing and nailing sports' rotten apples, especially now with Steve Hofstetter's Jerk Of The Week no longer around.


And, fortunately, only 21 days, 16 hours left until 2005...

Labels: A world gone mad, Mi Vida Loca, Sports, That's What Friends Are For, The Stormin' Mormon

A few weeks ago, I obtained all 44 episodes of The Greatest American Hero, a show I loved as a youngster but hadn't really seen in two decades. I definitely appreciate the series more now here in 2004 than I did in the early 1980's. You realize there was so much more to the show than how ABC wanted it to appear, so much more than a teacher in a red suit who can't fly very well...

And Bill Maxwell has got to be the coolest FBI agent EVER. His cynicism and sarcasm, his doggy biscuits, and especially his fetish for flashing his badge... Maxwell! FBI!

However, I bring up the series now because of one particular episode. Operation: Spoilsport in the second season. A computer defense system is sabotaged, and Bill and Ralph have 24 hours to prevent World War III.

The "little green guys" keep causing car stereos to dedicate Barry Maguire's "Eve Of Destruction" (though, it's performed by Joey Scarbury in the episode) to Ralph. And that's how I feel now, watching Ken Jennings' 74th and likely final victory...

It looks like the rumors are true, and tomorrow, after 74 wins and $2,522,700, Ken is going to lose. I had prepared two columns for the Jennings blog - one in case he won, the other in case the rumors turned out to be true. And it looks like it's pretty obvious which one is going up tomorrow afternoon.

All good things must come to an end. But, damn.. It was awesome while it lasted.

Labels: The Stormin' Mormon

I would like to wish everyone out there a safe and happy Thanksgiving.

I haven't had the best of years, so I am hoping it might help my morale a bit to list some of the things I am indeed thankful for today:

The fact that after 29 years, my father has come to grips with the fact I'm who I am and not going to just wake up and be the person he wants me to be. You have no idea how much stress it has removed from my life!

Finally MOVING out of that decaying joke of an apartment!

Knowing that despite my eccentric antics and very liberal views that not everyone out there thinks I'm evil and I still have real friends... Among some of you who have been the most supportive and caring - Rob, Libby, Kris, Mike, Ann, Chris, the members of Strange Forums who have gone the extra mile to be caring and supportive during a very tough last few months, and my real life friends Eric and Robert. I'm not sure where I'd be without all of you...

My aunt and uncle, who's help with getting a long overdue inheritance into my hands made the move possible. She has cancer and MS, he has MS, and while at times I'm not sure if they want me in their life, there isn't a day that goes by where I don't send positive thoughts their way.

Sherrie Austin, for making it another year in the music industry without selling herself out or allowing the crooks who run the industry corrupt her.

Grandma Esther, for being as crazy as you are and giving me amusement when I really needed it.

Ken Jennings, for giving me something to excite me over the summer (and fall..) and giving me one thing on network television worth watching! Let's hope the rumors are false and you're still around in December..

The Boston Red Sox, for making this old baseball historian very happy.. Now it's the Cubs turn!

And I'm thankful I'm not talking to myself. This proves I'm not as crazy as my twin... At least, not yet!

Here's hoping next year is going to be better, and there'll be even more for all of us to be thankful for.

Labels: The Stormin' Mormon

Boston takes game two 6-2, behind six strong innings from Curt "Medical Experiment" Schilling and three big two-out hits.

The Series resumes Tuesday night in St. Louis, with Pedro Martinez and Jeff Suppan the scheduled starters. Maddy needs two TV's, with game 3 on Fox and Jeopardy! on ABC at the same time...

The Red Sox have gotten Boston natives to sing the National Anthem before both games in Fenway - Steven Tyler for game 1, James Taylor for game 2. If this trend continues in future World Series (local stars singing the Anthem), I can expect to be singing the National Anthem just in time for my 100th birthday.

The last time the Tigers won (or even REACHED) a World Series, I was still that "Like A Virgin" Material Girl...

The last time the Tigers REACHED the playoffs, people were asking "Who's That Girl" who's causing such a commotion...

And with the overwhelming success of the Tigers over the last 17 years, I'll just be about as old as Marlene Dietrich was when I recorded "Vogue", some old woman in leather and thigh high boots more famous as the grandmother of Madonna Louise Lourdes Sherrie Veronica Esther Susan Nonnie Maria Ciccone Richie Austin Jennings McSorley, who'll just go by the name Madonna as well and be the most famous entertainer in the world...

And since I must go by just one name, they'll be calling me "Grandmadonna".

More poor defense from the Red Sox tonight - four more errors, including a record-tying three by third baseman Bill Mueller. Maybe it's time to quit worrying about Manny Ramirez in left field, and just play "All The Way" Mae at third instead?

Regardless, I need to keep from celebrating just yet. Boston still needs two more, and as we know, even a 3-0 lead isn't safe anymore...

Labels: Sports, The Stormin' Mormon

Many years ago, Bobby Brown sang "You want somethin' done, gotta do it's yourself!"...

Fed up with the bumbling stupidity of Dumb And Dumber - our presidental candidates, Maddy has decided to throw her black leather cap into the ring and announce her candidacy for president.

Disgusted with the direction America has gone in under the Corporate Party (the combined Democrat/Republican parties), I've decided to do something myself to move this country toward a bright, new future.

If elected, I will:

End the "War On Terrorism". War doesn't destroy terrorism, it breeds it. Each bomb that drops, each missile that's launched only results in MORE people who hate America. The best defense is NOT a good offense, it's a good defense. It's time to focus on protecting ourselves, not wasting innocent people to "keep the evil ones" away.

Besides, LOVE makes the world go 'round...

Abolish the PATRIOT ACT. The PATRIOT ACT doesn't stop terrorists, it stops the civil rights of innocent people. It should be called the UNAMERICAN ACT, because it deficates all over the Constitution.

Civil and equal rights for all. We'll work to end all forms of discrimination, whether it be in the workplace, or in society. No longer will gays not have the same rights as hetrosexuals, no longer will the government endorse and support a class war to oppress and cheat the poor, sick and elderly. This country is supposed to be the land of the free - and it's time for it to truly become one.

Focus on protecting the environment. Our environment is being destroyed by multi-zillion dollar corporations who care about nothing the environment or well being of this planet. It's time for that to end. This world belongs to all of us, and it shouldn't be ruined for the sake of corporate profits. We'll also push toward finding alternative and cleaner means of fuel. Clean air, clean water and safe food should be rights, not priveledges.

Put the focus on social programs. While America has been "showing it's strength" to the rest of the world, it's been deteriorating from within. Education is declining, streets and cities are falling apart, and more and more people are without health care and often go hungry, or find themselves in unsafe housing. We will work to bring a LIVING wage to America, not just a "minimum wage". What good are we to the rest of the world if we're in poor shape ourselves? How is it fair to expect citizens to pay taxes here while their money goes to the rest of the world?

Which brings us to...

Balancing the budget and LOWERING taxes. Corporate welfare? Gone, unless they want to pay their share of the taxes. Defense spending? Slashed. We have enough military might (might don't make right) to destroy the world 100 times over. Why must we continue to spend over $400,000,000,000 a year?

American citizens pay over 6/7 of the taxes in this country, yet receive less than 1/8 of the benefits. The corporations, who pay a very minute share, receive nearly 50% of the budget in the form of benefits and corporate welfare. It's time we get what we pay for, and they get what they deserve. We should not be paying for their benefits while going without ourselves.

Penalties against companies who outsource or move factories out of the US. These companies expect us to do business with them and help them profit, yet hurt the American economy by ditching US workers for cheap overseas labor. That needs to end. America LOST jobs under Bush, and that trend appears likely to continue under Bush or Kerry. Screwing American workers (and your potential customers) will only weaken the American economy even further.

The end of the war on drugs. I have never used drugs in my life, but imprisonment and snooping on American citizens isn't the answer. Treatment and prevention is. And for those who choose to get wasted anyway? Prescribe the drugs to them, so they don't go around robbing people or buying/selling drugs and endangering innocent people. I am all for stricter punishment against anyone who commits a crime under the influence of a narcotic or alcohol. But otherwise, it's their body, let them mess it up - in their own space and own time.

A FULL investigation into Bush, Cheney, Bechtel, Enron, Halliburton, et al. This includes a real investigation into 9/11. 3,000 people died, and we deserve to know the truth. We also deserve to know the truth on Bush and Cheney, their corporate pals, Iraq, and why they were given carte blanche to profit at will, while bilking Americans and endangering lives in their pursuit of money.

Regulations against the corporations monopolizing the media. Nearly all media outlets - TV stations, radio stations, newspapers, magazines, even record labels - are under the control of a handful of giant corporations. They control what you see, read, and hear. It's time to return freedom to the press and to the people by breaking up these conglomorates, which is truly the only way to return "fair and balanced" news to America.

Removing corporate influence from Washington. America is supposed to OF the people, BY the people, FOR THE PEOPLE. Corporations should not have a louder or stronger voice than citizens, or be granted special rights than the people don't have. They shouldn't be allowed to influence the direction of the government and the nation more than the American people, and under our administration, they won't. No more special interest money, no more buying votes, no more being held above the people that this nation truly belongs to. We will be a voice FOR the people, not Microsoft, Wal-Mart and Nike.

My running mate is Jello Biafra, former frontman of the Dead Kennedys and an active public speaker/activist since 1987. He was nominated by the Green Party of New York in the 2000 election.

And the rest of my cabinet, if elected:

Chief Of Staff: Eric Hunter
Head of Environmental Protection Agency: Sherrie Austin
Trade Representitve: Jerry West
Head of Office of National Drug Control Policy: Ricky Williams
National Security Advisor: Michael Dorn
Secretary Of Agriculture: Ophah Winfrey
Secretary of The Interior: Michael Moore
Secretary of Commerce: Ralph Nader
Attorney General: John Grisham
Secretary of Defense: Michael Cooper
Secretary of Labor: Jimmy Hoffa Jr.
Secretary of Education: Ken Jennings
Secretary of State: Noam Chomsky
Secretary of Energy: James "Scotty" Doohan
Secretary of Transportation: Dale Earnhardt Jr.
Secretary of Health: William "Refrigerator" Perry
Secretary of the Treasury: Mark Cuban
Secretary of Veterans Affairs: Mike Farrell
HUD Secretary: Jimmy Carter

So, go out there and Cause A Commotion! Rock The Vote! Reinvent America!

(This message paid for by... me.)

Labels: A world gone mad, Bushwhacking, Corporate Assholes, Madge Worship, Reinvention, The Stormin' Mormon

I'm down to about my last 24 hours in this hellhole, this place that has been home for nearly seven years, and for the last three has made 1428 Elm Street seem bright, cheery and safe.

About 3/4 of my stuff is packed. The only things left are my computer, my clothes and my food. They'll be taken care of tonight or early tomorrow morning.

Right now, my emotions are a cross between relief, euphoria and nervousness. Relief that the end of the tunnel is finally near. Euphoria because after tomorrow I'll never see this place again. And yet a bit nervous, hoping this place doesn't find a way to give me one last "fuck you" before I leave. It's given me plenty over the last seven years. Too bad I couldn't find someone to buy them...

After tomorrow, there is so much shit I won't have to deal with again:

The all-night parties out in the middle of the complex.

Homeless hillbillies with felony records who's lives seem to revolve around who they can "kick the shit out of" and how many chemicals they can pump into their Kentucky Fried Bloodstreams - and seem to have more rights around here than rent-paying tenants.

Seventy four year old jerks who go out of their way to see how hard they can slam their van door (of course, failing to understand it's that same slamming that required them to replace the sliding door in the first place, which is why the dumb fucker has a blue van with a brown sliding door. Classy.), and does nothing but sit around all day, drink beer and give people shit. I guess he's proof that bad parenting existed back in the 1930's too.

A manager who is nothing more than a glorified pimp.

Water dripping into my bathroom through my ceiling.

No air conditioning in the summer.

This god-awful city.

And you know what? I won't miss one fucking bit of it.

At some point tomorrow the phone, DSL and DirecTV will be turned off here. The phone will go on in the new place the same day, the DSL on Wednesday. I won't be able to get DirecTV in the new place, but it already has cable, so no big deal. And, obviously, I won't be online for a couple days.

Fortunately, that means no harm, no foul for being unable to update the KenJen blog during my downtime, since Jeopardy! is going to be having their Tournament Of Champions for the next two weeks. Kenardy! will be back October 4.

While I'm bringing up amazing accomplishments, I'd like to bring up a not-so-amazing accomplishment, as Barriod Bonds (AKA BALCO Bonds) hit his 700th career home run on Friday. Big fucking deal. I'm real proud, Barry. It takes a real man to load up on steroids and performance enhancers to make history in sports. That's why the world loves Ben Johnson, right?

I've never cared for Bonds and his attitude. The guy is about as likable as a cobra. But I at least gave him credit for what he accomplished prior to late 90's. After that? Forget it. He cheated his way to 73 home runs in a season, and cheated his way to his 500th, 600th and now 700th career home runs. On his way to the top he's shit all over the likes of Ted Williams, Ernie Banks, Reggie Jackson and Harmon Killebrew. He shat all over his own godfather when he hit 660. And now he's closing in on shitting all over Babe Ruth and Hank Aaron. And, I've already decided if he ever passed Aaron, powered by THG and human growth hormone and his raging ego, I'd NEVER watch professional baseball again. Aaron was a true legend and a hero. Bonds is a true cheater and a zero.

What doesn't help is the blatantly hypocritical stance of sports fans and the media. Mark McGwire "cheated" because of Andros (As an EX-McGwire fan, let me say he did far more than Andros, he is a cheater, and has no business in the Hall Of Fame). Sosa is a cheater because of the corked bat. But Bonds is some sort of magical hero, our new jordon - this generation's Teflon athlete. People accused of hating Bonds are - join in, you all know the terms: "Playa haters", "racist" and "not true fans" (you know, the same shit people hear for not being jordon fans or refusing to call him the "best ever"). It's about as pathetic as the argument on the Ravens Suck forum, when a Rats' fan took the stance of "I believe Ray Lewis is not a murderer because he plays for the Ravens".

I've had to hear over and over from a Giants fan about how "We're watching history" and "This is an amazing accomplishment". Fuck that shit. Does that mean I should admire Ben Johnson's "amazing accomplishment"? How about Gaylord Perry's? There's nothing amazing about cheating. Because you know what the fuck cheating and breaking the rules accomplishes? It taints records in sports, gives unfair advantages, and in real life, it results in a government filled with crooks, corporations that fuck employees and consumers so the fat cats at the top can rake in even more money, and shit like the place I lived in for seven rotten years. That's a good thing?

So, forgive me if instead of applauding Bonds, I flip him the bird and spit in his general direction. There's nothing heroic about 700. There won't be a fucking heroic thing about 715 or 756 either. And you can bet your ass that the biased Giants fans sure wouldn't be cheering on Bonds if he was a fucking Yankee or something. Because this would be like me disliking Shania Twain for being a sellout, but saying "Well, it's okay, because she's Sherrie" if Sherrie Austin did the same. This would be like if I were a registered Democrat, and accepting and tolerating Kerry's flaws and dishonesty while criticizing Bush for the exact same flaws and lies. If there is one thing that might irritate me more in today's society than people who refuse to accept responsiblity for their own actions (you know, like suing fast food companies because of what you chose to eat), it's hypocracy. And it's only taken a very unenjoyable frenzy (Bonds and his 'roided up home runs and ego) and made it even worse.

So, I'd like to give Barroid Bonds the Flying Middle Finger Of Fate award for hitting his 700th career home run. Because, honestly, the only baseball players less likable than you in HISTORY would have to be Ty Cobb and Cap Anson. Say what you want about Pete Rose, but at least HE didn't taint 4,192 by BETTING on it. And, I just want to see this guy's career end. Get cold feet and retire before 755. Get banned for steroids. I don't care.

Labels: BALCO Barry, Cheaters, Mi Vida Loca, The Stormin' Mormon

Happy 75th Birthday to the man responsible for one of my strongest addictions (no, not smoking or kinky boots). On this day in 1929, Arnold Daniel Palmer, one of the greatest and most exciting golfers of all time was born. It is because of him I grew up to be so devoted to the game of golf - which could be good or bad, depending on your view of golf.

And, no, I've never tried playing in a pair of my boots. Though, it would bring new meaning to wearing spikes out on the course...

In his honor - and to celebrate a bit of television history - I am drinking an Arnold Palmer, one of my favorite beverages.

Congratulations - again - to Ken Jennings, who in tonight's AIRED episode tied Tic Tac Dough champion Thom McKee's record of 43 wins in a game show.

In not-so-light news, I still have heard nothing from the parole office. Furthermore, to the surpise of no one who is familiar with my apartment, my bathroom continues to get worse. I am in the process of working on an "escape plan" - it's definitely time to abandon ship before it gets too late.

Labels: A world gone mad, King Arnold, Mi Vida Loca, The Stormin' Mormon

My favorite smart guy with money, Ken Jennings, will return to television today as the new season of Jeopardy! premieres. And he's just five wins away from tying Thom McKee for the most wins in game show history.

Next Monday, the reality show starring everyone's favorite outspoken NBA owner with lots of money, Mark Cuban, debuts on ABC. I'm not a reality show fan, but I love Cuban, and this looks like it could be interesting.

What does this mean? It means this fall, there may be two things on TV worth watching - which is two more than usual.

Labels: The Stormin' Mormon